I keep replaying that moment in my head.

I know I should be focusing on the mission, whatever the things were they ambushed us.

But River kept popping up when I tried.

We had diverged slightly from the group. Went to start scrounging while they untangled Ronan.

We were walking casually, like this was some stroll in the park.

Then it all went cliché.

We heard some guards talking up ahead. Their boots crunching against the gravel, their voices low and rough. I counted three as far as I could hear.

We ducked behind some storage crates, the shadow it casted over us making it very hard for the troops to see.

As they walked past us, I held my breath. Waiting for one to notice us, yell, shoot, whatever.

But no one did.

Once they were out of sight and hearing range, I turned—realized I was way too close to River.

“You okay?” He had asked.

My mouth was dry. I nodded in response.

Before I could even think, his fingers brushed my jaw, barely. Then everything stilled for a second.

And then he kissed me.

It wasn’t my first kiss, but damn. In that moment it felt like it was.

It didn’t stop slow either. 

One of his hands moved to my waist, pulling me closer to him. I gasped softly at the contact, but that only gave him an invitation to kiss me deeper.

My hands slid into his hair, the hair I’d secretly longed to touch for a while now.

By that point I had no clue how many kisses it had been. At least five before we broke apart. ‘Cause, you know. Oxygen.

And then I think I blacked out ‘cause the next thing I remember, we were back with the group getting ready to split off to cover the last sectors.

I laid in my cot, the lamp being the only thing lighting the room.

Skylar and Declan were asleep somewhere, either in the room or on the couch or something.

Eventually I sat up and pulled out my journal. It was leather, worn in the corners, I’ve had to re-bind it multiple times. But it was mine. 

This was the reason I was sane at this point.

I opened it to a new page, it was getting full. I’d need to find a new one soon.

“River kissed me, today.” I wrote, the pale splotches on my hands bright in the light against my darker skin.

“No sé qué hacer. Pero estoy pensando en ello constantemente.” I wrote in Spanish. “I don’t know what to do. But I’m thinking about it constantly.”

“¿Era demasiado pronto? ¿Debería parar antes de empezar a sentir más de lo que ya estoy?” I thought. “Was it too soon? Should I stop before I start feeling more than what I already am?”

My hands shook by the time I finished.

I slammed the notebook shut. Setting it on my nightstand and face-planting into my pillow with a sigh.

I hated feelings and relationships and everything. But something about River…I dunno. He’s different in a way I didn’t know how to explain.

I’m not usually like this, boys being the only thing on my mind.

Usually my brain is more helpful. Battle strategies, preparing for patrol, mapping routes.

Usually romance was the last thing I was thinking about.

I didn’t know if I liked it.

“Estoy muy cansado.” I muttered. I cringed at hearing my own voice. Gravely, too tired.

I should be asleep.

Usually I had the best sleep out of all of us.

What is happening to me?

~

Somehow I managed to get a fine amount of sleep, still waking at the normal time so I had enough patience to get my tea before the chaos started.

Chaos followed Ronan like a shadow. An annoying, impossible to get rid of shadow.

Like Peter Pan’s shadow.

The chaos started earlier than usual.

Max sat with Ronan, helping him inject his T shot because Ronan’s hands shook too bad to hold the needle.

Declan was trying to scramble enough food for everyone to eat breakfast.

Skylar and River were bickering again. Something about who had the dishes shift.

I rolled my eyes and silently made my way to the tea. No one seemed to notice me. Not usually.

I liked it that way. It was easier then getting dragged into every one of their problems. Which would be the inevitable if I chose to be nice.

So I chose to be a ghost to the people I probably trust most with my life.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have actual invisibility. Max asked me to hand him more gauze.

Him and Ronan were a recipe for contradicting disasters. Ronan - pyromaniac with no self control and too many emotions.

Max - healer boy too nice for a world like this, and Ronan.

Yet, somehow—Ronan was sitting there shirtless, clutching his shark plush in front of Max, who had finished the injection and put a small bandaid where the needle had been.

Ronan was getting domesticated. I could see it.

The way he didn’t throw a glare at anyone who simply breathed at him. The way he trusted Max enough to touch him, let alone inject his hormones.

He was so different when Declan first brought him home, like a stray dog he picked up from the street.

Except the dog had been a feral raccoon.

Declan came home with bite marks, a sprained wrist, and a very bruised stomach. He was holding a small, wiry, screaming fourteen year old hellspawn over his shoulder like it was just a normal Tuesday.

Now Max was putting a bandaid on Ronan’s shark like it was hurt, and Ro had the softest expression I’d ever seen.

I don’t know when he stopped biting everyone who got close. But I noticed.”

Like I said—domesticated.

I grabbed the gauze from the kitchen counter, walked over, and handed it to the healer. Who gave me a small nod of appreciation.

I didn’t expect much more. Max was a morning person. But he also probably didn’t sleep much last night, knowing Ronan was down here by himself in pain. 

“You still drugged?” I asked Ronan.

He huffed out a laugh, stretching out slightly. The mask was already coming back in place. The same cocky grin and snarky comebacks lined up in his brain.

“Maybe a bit.” He admitted, his words slurring still as he spoke.

I rolled my eyes, then turned to Declan.

“Is he coming on patrol?” I asked simply.

Declan turned to me and sighed. “Nope, he’s going to hang out with Tessa.”

“Babysitting duty?” Ronan shrieked. “I don’t want to babysit.” 

Max shifted a bit closer to him. “It’s okay. It’s not babysitting.”

“He needs a babysitter.” I muttered.

Max shot me a look before looking back at Ronan. “Just think of it as you two hanging out.”

Ronan nodded.

It was weird seeing him so out of it. Vulnerable in a way that made this feel wrong to witness.

~

Patrol was a daily routine.

We always planned for it like it’d be different, because we always run into trouble. The Eternals want us to gather information before going for the big mission of overthrowing the current dictator from the throne.

Thornblade.

He had a huge army behind him that would do exactly as he ordered. No hesitation, no mercy.

And the Eternals think a bunch of teenagers can just do that…I guess?

I think somehow it worked out that Ronan wasn’t on patrolling today. We were going to break in and survey the army barracks.

Ronan had too many memories in that place.

Thanks Fate, you saved one of us from a mental breakdown today. 

We had to scale his building, up three stories then into the ventilator shaft. Once inside, we’d crawl through, hoping there were no traps inside, then get to the back of the building where the group would be waiting for us to unlock it.

Oh did I say we? I meant me. I had to scale the building and do all that.

“You’re the smallest.” Skylar said matter-of-factly.

I looked at myself compared to the others. I was just a bit taller than Ronan (who was the shortest. Don’t tell him I told you), and everyone else was skyscrapers by comparison.

I sighed, but trapped the hook and rope we’d prepared and tossed it up. It latched with a small clink into place against the metal of the building.

My stomach twisted, I was never the best with heights, not that anyone knew that.

“Just make sure to be quiet.” Declan muttered, handing me a backpack with everything I’d need.

“You’re telling Eliot to be quiet?” River huffed. 

Ronan definitely got his humor from copying River. They were so much alike it scared me sometimes.

I rolled my eyes but grabbed onto the rope, testing it gently with my weight.

Then I planted my feet on the building and started the climb.

One foot in front of the other. I told myself. Don’t you dare look down.

My hands shook slightly but I kept going, making sure my foot was firmly planted before I let my weight off the other.

I was out of my element. There was no earth beneath my feet, just cold, thick metal. No plants or dirt or trees. Just wind blowing through my hair and the sun shining in my face as I swept up from the horizon.

My breathing stuttered, but I forced myself to hold my ground.

One foot. Another foot. Another foot. Another foot.

I prayed to the eternals that the group just left to continue their part in the mission so they didn’t see me freaking out.

I wasn’t freaking out.

I was calm.

Calm down. I muttered to myself, my voice lost in the sound of the wind.

I finally got up to two stories. How slow was I going? Is the group just standing around waiting for me?

I swallowed hard. I could see the vent above me. Just a bit further. I told myself.

Hand. Foot. Hand. Foot.

I had a system.

I could do this.

I heard a gunshot. The bullet wizzed past me and clinked uselessly off the metal building.

Someone was watching us.

My breath caught but I forced myself to keep moving. 

My hands were sweating now, my legs shaking with each step.

Another bullet grazed the side of my face. Bad aim. I thought. Good to know.

I planted both feet on the building for a moment. Gripped the rope with one hand, grabbed my handgun with the other.

Declan said not to shoot unless I had to.

But I had a clear shot. And I never miss.

I spun my body around and pointed the gun. Another shot rang out, barely missing the rope.

I didn’t panic about the rope or falling to my death.

I just took the shot.

It hit whoever had been hiding in the trees, they fell from their platform and onto the ground below. I smiled slightly, slipping my gun back into it’s place and going back to my climb.

Adrenaline buzzed through me by the time I finally made it to the top. I took in a quick breath of relief as I sat inside, my feet dangling of the edge as I scanned below.

Sure, I climbed three stories. But the building was also underground and from where I’d started lower in the moat, I probably climbed closer to five stories.

I took another deep breath, pulling up the rope and slipped inside the vent, notching the cover back into place before I started making my way through the most dangerous building in Ravenrock.

The vents were cool and cramped—exactly what you’d expect from a building like this.

I remembered what Declan had said about the vent system. How it was a complete puzzle, trying to get air in every room of this monstrous building-while also making it hard for anyone trying to break in like Ethan Hunt.

I army crawled through the vents, careful to make as little noise as possible as the weak metal shifted beneath me.

Being the earth holder, and the vents being metal, I could will the minerals to hold my weight.

Sweat began to bead on my forehead but I kept moving. I remembered what the Eternals had told all of us. “Rest your powers. You’ll need them for greater causes down the road.” Which seemed pretty BS to me, considering they had all the power in the universe and couldn’t handle us using tiny pieces of it to keep us alive.

But, you know. I don’t make the laws of the universe. They’d be better if I did.

I sucked in a breath and paused as I heard people walking below me.

“We need to prep for the new recruits.” I heard one voice say.

Another responded. “Are they even recruits if they were brought against their will?”

“Thronblade likes to be optimistic, hoping they’ll come over themselves with time.” The first responded before they disappeared into a room that probably led to another hallway.

I exhaled quietly and kept crawling. My boots scraping against the shafts, my fingers gripping the metal connectors that held the vents into the concrete below.

A few hard-to-navigate turns later and I made it to some fans built inside the vents.

Cute. I thought. They think fans can stop us.

I pulled out a screw driver and got the two fans disarmed in minutes, setting them aside, and making it to the correct room.

“Remember, the control room is very sensitive.” I remember Declan telling me. “Just touch the buttons you need, we don’t need to alert the entire army that we’re here.”

I looked down into the room. Two guards sat inside, both straight postured and cups of coffee sat on the table.

They were watching the screens for movement, clicking buttons to rotate through the hundreds of cameras placed in probably every corner of the building. Ronan said there were only a few blind spots and they were too small for even twelve-year-old Ronan to fit in unseen.

This was going to be interesting.

I silently slipped the vent cover into the shaft across from me and slipped into the room. Both guards were faster than I expected. Within mere seconds I had two guns to my head and guards spitting in my face, yelling at me with a whole bunch of questions I couldn’t even process with the rage and panic over it.

I sighed. They were fast but they weren’t smart.

I snatched a baton from the first one’s waist belt, hitting him in the groin and sending him toppling backward in pain. I grabbed the second ones’ gun, spun it around, and knocked him under the jaw with the butt of it.

And for good measure I knocked the first guy out too. They’d both be fine—waking up in about half an hour with headaches and sore faces.

I rolled my eyes, taking in their pathetic expressions.

Everyone should’ve known better than to underestimate me.

I turned around and scanned the cameras, hands going to the keyboard and clicking to see the other angles and rooms.

It was almost jarring to see how many cameras this man had.

The amount of money he had and was spending on protecting himself when he could be rebuilding the city—it was disgusting.

I finally spotted the door the group was waiting at. It looked like they’d knocked out the guards posted there and got their weapons.

I looked over the rows of buttons next. Lighting up panels of every color imaginable. I finally found the one that matched the color on the screen and pushed it. I heard a beep come from the screen and the group got inside.

I took a breath of relief.

I did my part.

Now they get the information on what Thornblade’s preparing for. And I didn’t trust that he would prepare for nothing.

 He’s planning something. And whatever it is—we won’t be ready. Not yet.