Wow, that makes me nervous!

I huff, twist a strand of hair around my finger, and stare at my reflection in the window.

How come my hair is that golden hue?

I purse my lips and huff again.

Seo Joon is staring at me, mouth open.

"Stop it!" I tell him, standing up and going to get a soda.

I could use a double whiskey today, for real!

"I don't think... I understand," he says, slurring his words.

But you understand perfectly, you just think I'm crazy.

I shake my head and keep drinking.

"Hyeongie, tell me I misunderstood," he repeats, pushing his hair back.

"Listen..."

"No, I don't want to hear your reasoning. I want you to tell me I misunderstood," he insists, closing his eyes for a moment.

“You understand perfectly well, but I’ll tell you again if you want,” I huff, dropping onto the couch.

I see him shake his head several times, wring his hands, and finally sigh.

“Do you know she’s seventeen? That she’s American? That she can report you for rape?” he blurts out without taking a breath. “Did you think about it for even a moment before letting your…”

“Stop it!” I explode. “Do you think I’m an idiot? That I haven’t thought about it at least a hundred times? Insult me, tell me I’m amoral, but stop asking me questions. I thought about it, hyeongie, damn it, I thought about it! But I couldn’t! For one damn time in my life, I wanted to believe I was special, that I was just another kid who was appreciated for who he was, not for being an idol!”

I cover my eyes with my hands and feel like crying.

Heaven knows how hard I tried to hold back what I was feeling.

But I couldn't do it, not with her.

Jade bewitched me, and I let her curse fall on me.

And I'll go to hell for her, I don't care.

If a Grim Reaper appeared and took me away with him now, I'd follow him with a smile.

Because she gave me sunshine, life, the energy to truly smile.

A hand touches my arm and I flinch.

Seo Joon looks at me with dark eyes, but tries to apologize.

"I don't want to judge you, it's just... I don't know, it's all so hard to believe. You, the coldest, most rational, most antisocial of all of us, you just gave yourself like this..."

"What do you mean, 'given like this'? I didn't prostitute myself!"

"No, it's just... I'm at a loss for words, I don't know what to say."

"Don't say anything, then. Just listen to the outburst of a friend, a brother. If I weren't so disoriented, I wouldn't have said anything. But I feel like I'm exploding inside because of what I'm feeling, I feel my heart beating a thousand times a minute and I want to laugh, cry, scream... I think I've gone crazy!

He stares at me as if I've just announced the end of the world. And apparently, for him, that's exactly what I am.

He bursts out laughing suddenly, and I fear he's the one who's gone crazy.

"How special is this girl, huh?" he says, leaning back against the headboard. "In all these years, I've never seen you lose control, never once utter a word out of place, even when you've been attacked live for our music, for some verses, for the choices you've made. Never! I repeat, never, you've lost your temper. I know you, I know how deep and emotional a person you are, but I never thought someone else had touched your heart... I'll have to deal with it."

I laugh, relieved, and throw a pillow at him.

"You're an idiot!"

"I'm worried, not just about possible legal consequences for your behavior, but about how you feel." He leans forward, scrutinizing me carefully. "Where did this girl come from? I couldn't take my eyes off her!"

I glare at him, but don't comment.

“And you're jealous too! Ahh, what miracle happened? Come on, tell me. Tell me about her!”

I'm wallowing in a defensive state, not wanting to say anything.

I just wanted to tell you what happened between us, I don't know why.

I wanted him to stop talking about her as if she could belong to him, as if she could even just…

I pause for a moment and realize: is this what fans think of us? Is this this morbid desire they feel to be our supporters?

I feel sick just thinking about being the center of attention like this.

I've become a sasaeng!

“Aish!” I grumble, annoyed.

“What else is it?”

“I don't like your attraction to her,” I breathe out slowly.

Seo Joon smiles. Then he laughs openly.

“Are you afraid of me? Think of the millions of followers on TV and online… Done? Now you can go crazy.”

His words stab me in the heart.

My blood runs cold.

Is this what Jade wants? This attention, this kind of sick love?

I feel the weight on my stomach becoming unbearable, but he shakes me out of my stupor.

"Stop assuming the worst and just be happy for her. If this is what she wants, a wild night of passion with you won't stop her. The internet is going crazy for her, I've read about many idols singing her praises, even Jon-Ho was amazed by her talent... If she triumphs in the talent show, you'll have to share it with the whole world. Or maybe just South Korea."

He laughs amusedly, patting my arm.

"But now you're introducing me to her. I want to see what kind of person she is. And see if I can give her the chance to steal my hyeongie's heart. Okay?"

I nod slowly.

"By the way, did you know today is her birthday? Maybe you wouldn't be considered a pervert after all, since he's turning 18. And you might feel better if you think that in Korea, he'd be 19."

"Do you think I could forget something like that?"

He looks at me for a moment and smiles.

"No. You could never forget it."

And will she have figured out it's me?

I have to see her.

Now!