Is that why you're so determined to make a mark on me and my life?

Because you want to leave a permanent effect so that you won't be forgotten?

Yeah..

Souta...

I strive to live in the minds of those I hold dear.

I weave myself into their lives, intertwining with the pages they turn, the places they frequent, and the things they cherished, selfishly yearning to be unforgotten.

You really are very stubborn, Ano

You're literally planning to build a nest in my head and live there forever?

That’s how much I hold into you.

…Can you at least pretend not to be this obsessive?

I can’t.

It’s 3 am

I have no mind right now.

 

...

Ano

Please give me a moment to collect my thoughts 

You're overwhelming me with your extreme unexpected obsession.

And my heart can’t handle.

I don’t know what to feel about it. 

Lol. I don’t blame you

I have a twisted heart

 

My stomach is already turning upside down, so you just shut your mouth for a while

I think it's time to think of a plan to make you less selfish and obsessed with me.

I can’t keep up with your acts if I don’t.

And my heart will burst.

Nooo leeeave mee beee

I'm not going to leave you to be to your heart's content and make me filled with all of these emotions. 

You need to be made less obsessed 

So I can be with you without feeling guilty or burdened to leave you make me receive all of your overflows.

And I can't be peacefully with someone who loves me because they want me to prevent them from becoming a nobody.

I feel so guilty for leaving you with such thought while I’m just enjoying receiving all the consequences of these feelings.

That’s not how it is.

My mind and heart too complex to put it that way

And my wording to describe sucks

Then, is there a part of you want me to love you because you want to be remembered?

And because it wants to avoid fading into oblivion?

Nah.

Because I’m fond of you, I want you to remember me and not be any body.

And because I hold you dear, I would hate for you to forget me.

You are not holding into me to prevent yourself from becoming a nobody that's forgotten after you die?

No. It’s different.

I don’t care if I die. And I don’t really mind that much people not remembering me.

But all who I loved, I don’t want them to forget me.

Aren’t you trying to differentiate between loving someone and being loved by them?

And you’re not maybe realizing that your obsession with not being forgotten is causing you to disregard others’ feelings completely

You aren’t considering how your actions might impact the way they feel

Then Souta, tell me what you feel and what do you want. I already was clear about it multiple times and warned you how much I am selfish and fear my affect on you. I ran away multiple times, and had a fight with you about leaving cuz I feared how much selfish I could be and ruin your heart.

 

You're such an impossible nut to crack, Ano.

Sometimes you're so considerate, and other times you're as thick as a brick wall

Are you doing this on purpose to shake my heart?

Fine

If you want it said in the plainest possible way that can't be misconstrued

I am feeling a bit guilty and burdened by the reason you're attached to me. And your words make me feel like you see me as your last line of defense against becoming forgotten.

Do my feelings and thoughts make sense?

But that’s not it.

That’s not what you said.

Aghhhh

How can I word it.

Because I cherish you Souta, I hold you dear so much that I fear to be forgotten. My attachment to you is not because of that fear; it’s just a consequence of my own care. I cherish you for who you are, and if not you, I wouldn’t care to be even around.

If you were completely confident and secure in how you'll be remembered

Then you wouldn't be attached to me like this, right?

I’m not sure.

If you could guarantee that you won't be completely forgotten and people will remember you, would you still keep pursuing me with such ferocity?

Yes.

You would still love me and want to be with me even if there was no real risk of you being forgotten?

Yes. I still will do similar things. I’m still the mad one that wants to be around you in everywhere

And what if everything about me was the same, except that nobody had any memory of me

My face, personality, everything was the exact same as it is today

But in this new scenario, not a single person remembered my existence

How would you feel about me then?

You mean I forgot you with them?

No

I'm talking about a hypothetical world where everything about you stayed the same

But everybody forgot your existence

In this situation

How would you feel about me?

I would feel like dying if my dear ones forgot me.

But I would think it’s for the better, cuz as much I tried to be not forgotten by them, I wished not be around and cause harm on them.

So how would you feel about me in that situation, when everyone in that world has forgotten me but you?

I would hate that too. I will rather die more than before. I don’t want your world to crumble. I want your world to become a place of you and for you. I want everything and everyone you love around you. I want everything you hate away from you. What’s the point of me the remaining one remembering but your original world has changed.

 

…You really do love me, don't you?

I do. A lot.

…………….

I didn’t see this coming

This makes me feel

So many things at once

All of them are

Completely conflicting

I’m sorry.

That’s the meaning of being with me, living in constant confliction.

I think that I'm starting to get a little bit of the idea

I feel like you have two sides to you

One is the selfish and obsessive side

The other side is the considerate and selfless one

But it's so deeply embedded within you that you can't be completely selfish or completely selfless

You can't completely be one or the other

Because you care so much for me, you can't help but be selfish

But you also don't want to be a complete obsessive maniac and ruin my world completely

It's difficult, isn't it?

Yeah

It’s like this

Have you ever felt conflicted like this over anything before?

Anything in your life where the selfish and the considerate parts of your personality have clashed before to this extent?

Everything I love

Everything I care about

How do you manage to keep this conflict up?

Do you get tired?

Does it drain you?

It's exhausting. But it's even more draining to witness the impact it has on those I hold dear. I try, to be as human as possible. Yet, when I hold into someone that I cherish, I can't help but reveal my irrational, selfish tendencies.

Tell me, though

This is very important

Do you truly and truly feel selfish for wanting me to be forever by your side?

Do you really feel selfish for wanting me to be with you at all times even at the expense of my own sake?

I... don’t know

My two sides are contradicting right now

Yeah

I figured as much

Ok

Let me make this easier for you

Ano

Just tell me this

What do you want more?

Do you want me to stay at your side or do you want me to leave for my own sake?

I do want you by my side,

But I realize that desire is selfish. It wouldn't be good for you if I were around based solely on what I believe would cause you the most harm.

Yeah 

Yeah, I get what you mean

But Ano

I also need to know what you truly feel

I can't ignore this selfish side of you

So tell me

Right now, in this moment

Do you want me to stay or leave?

I want you to be my long life companion.

….

Do you want me to stay by your side even if it will ruin my own life and well being?

No.

So if this relationship became too painful for me then you'd want to let me go?

I would like to work it out with you

Do you know there's a very real possibility of me becoming completely broken and destroyed by this  if we don't work out?

I know. But I don’t want to give up on you.

I wanna be able to be next to you

You're killing me, Ano

I want to give in to you

I want to give you everything you ask for

But my body is screaming at me

My muscles and my spine are aching from this constant tug of war between my heart and my mind

Do you have any idea how conflicted I am?

It’s my curse..

Ano

Can you do me a favor?

Could you just pretend for me, just for a second?

What do?

Just close your eyes for one second

And pretend there's no conflict

Pretend that you only feel what your heart tells you to feel

Don't think about all the conflicting feelings within you

Just close your eyes, and tell me how you feel. Say whatever your heart tells you, without any worries or hesitations.

I... I want you to be around,

I want to be around too, But it's not about being inseparable 24/7. It's about being there for each other when it matters most. When you need me, I'll be there without hesitation, and when I need you, I know you'll be there so I can lean on you. 

I want you to carry a piece of me with you through the little things, even when we're apart

So that no matter where we are, you'll always feel my presence and know that I'm there for you.

Ano

Could you tell me the same thing again?

But use more detail this time

Describe even the tiny details so I can understand even better how you feel

It doesn't matter if it's lengthy or long-winded

Use whatever words that come to your mind

Let me understand your feelings better

 

I want you just the way you are,

I have no desire to change you. And, if I ever do, it's only because I saw glimpses of you striving to break free and become better version of yourself.

Your life, your mind, your heart, and everything around you—I simply want it to be better for you,

And if I wanted to be painted in that picture of you, I want to be as a flower you hold, as a cloud you gaze upon, as shadow beneath you.

I don't intend to force change upon you unless you desire it, but if there's anything that might burden your heart, it's the way I think, speak, and perceive the world. I'm aware that my disjointed self and my candidness about my life can unearth buried emotions in the hearts of those dear to me.

Did you prepare these very words in advance?

Did you expect this conversation might end up being so heart-felt and meaningful to just kill me?

Please tell me you did.

Hahahahahaha

Souta you never fail to make me laugh on these moments

I was on the verge just a moment ago and filled with fear of me hurting you or you leaving

This kind of drastic shift between emotions is what I mean by you being such a complex character

So I'm asking

How is this happening so dramatically in less than an hour?

I don’t know

You make me go full drama mode

I can't follow with whatever you do no matter how I try

It's like you're two different people stuck in the same body

I know

I am

I don’t hate it though.

I could tell.

End of Further Notice - Part 1