7035

The school's PA system sparks to life, with the familiar screech. Spanish classical guitar plays in the background.

Tab
Goooood morning, students! Here's your St. Juniper Morning Show, with the morning announcements! As always, I'm Tab...

Oddball
...and I'm Oddball!

Tab
Today is Monday, March the fourth. Lunch will be cake and hot dogs. If you're not signed up for Soccer Tryouts, our new Coach MacReady says: "Get your asses in gear!" And Principal Fields would like to assure all students that the PurpleFox is NOT affiliated with the News Room, and anyone caught sneaking into the school campus after hours will be disciplined SEVERELY.

Oddball
And now, here's everyone who's made the soccer team so far: Harold Hawkins, Gorey Adakai, Kosumi Filemonsen, Wick Hensley, and Toke Thunderbird... and possibly you? Head to the field at 3pm any day this week, and find out!

Tab
That's it for today! And remember:

Both
GO SAINT JUNIPER HIGH!!

The PA system buzzes with electricity, and quiets. The busy classroom of 404 chatters.

Shop
What the hell? I should have made the team! I was the MVP last year!

Noko
Oh yeah? What position?

Shop
Forward, but hey. Maybe someone else could use a shot.

Noko
How humble of you.

Shop
Yeah, well, I lost some weight over the summer, so I've been carb-loading, trying to get it back.

Noko
Looks like you overshot it. Poke!

Shop
AUGH! Don't DO that! It's just tough to diet. Coach MacReady says not to have more than one pickle a week, we can't have bread, we have to go easy on sugary condiments like ketchup, and we can only have meat every second day!

Noko
Is that why you're eating a Double Smacker, which has all four, twice?

Shop
(Munch, smack.) I'm not even fat yet, I'm still cut. See my abs? It's all about burning energy.

Noko
(Grossed out.) Dude, put your shirt down. No, I can't see your abs. All I see are flabs.

Shop
What the... well, they used to be there. I'll just have to do some push-ups and sit-ups.

Noko
I've only ever seen you do pick-ups, at the drive-thru.

Shop finishes his burger.

Shop
You hear that PurpleFox guy last night? Whoever sent in THAT story was a real FREAK!

Noko
Hey!

Shop
What do you care, was it yours?

Noko
(Nervous.) No, but... I liked that story.

Shop
Oh. ...HEY EVERYONE, NOKO'S A FREAK-

Noko
SHUT UP!

Shop
So, Spring Dance. You gonna ask out Kosumi?

Noko
What, him? God no, he's an idiot.

Shop
So what? He's hot. I bet he'd do crunches for a week if you asked him out.

Noko
(Blushing, embarassed.) Hey, you can shut up now.

Shop
I think I'm gonna ask Keo. She's cute, rebellious, auburn hair, tan skin, grey-blue eyes... she's just my type.

Noko
You know Keokuk's, like, a boy, right?

Shop
Nuh-uh, Keo's a girl's name too! Everyone knows she was like, the second person Kosumi made out with!

Noko
The first of which was Toke, and half since have been guys too.

Shop
What about that vampire kid, Poben? He's interesting, huh? Not as cool as Kosumi, though.

Noko
He only thinks he's a vampire. Everyone knows he's not. And he's weird, no thanks. You sure you don't want Kosumi to take you instead?

Shop
I just think he's a cool guy! That doesn't make me queer!

Noko
But you have a crush on the local femboy.

WHOP.

Shop
OW! Watch where you're hitting me, I'm sensitive!

Noko
(Quietly.) Why don't you go out with Ms. Adakai?

Shop
Keo's sister?

Noko
You obviously have a crush on her.

Shop
(Whispering.) You know what short shorts can do to a budding young man! I'm TRYING to see people my own age. It's not my fault if I also... happen to glance at Ms. Adakai when I'm walking behind her, sometimes.

Noko
Yooou're a pervert.

Shop
I could take her on a date, get her some spaghetti at the Italian place. I'll even pay for the garlic bread!

Noko
But the bread there is free.

Shop
She doesn't have to know that. Makes me look like a gentleman.

Stayfer
Garlic bread, more like garlic BONER! Put that parmesan on mah diiiiiick!

Gorey
Up top, bro, up top. Good one.

Gorey and Stayfer high five. Then silence.

Noko
...I'm waiting for the part of your joke that's funny.

Gorey
Who's telling jokes? That's a holla.

Stayfer
HOLLAAAAAAA-

Shop
(Cutting him off.) Please shut up.

Gorey
Geez, alright losers, don't go dumb on us.

Stayfer
What a couple of geeks.

Laughter.

Noko
Says the two guys who go to the bathroom together.

Shop
Says the guy named Staphen who calls himself 'The Stayfer'.

Stayfer
Says the guy named Shappa who calls himself 'Shop'.

Shop
(Blood pressure rising.) YEAH, BECAUSE IT'S SHORTER! IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE!

Gorey
My name makes sense, everyone calls me Gorebear-

NOKO
(Irritated.) YOUR NAME IS JUST 'COREY' WITH A FUCKING 'GEE'!! Makes you sound like your mom was squinting when she named you!!

Mrs. Dosela
(Commandant.) ALRIGHT, Shop and Noko: stay after class, you're clapping chalk erasers.

Shop & Noko
Aaauugggh....

Gorey
HA!! YOU JUST GOT CLAPPED!!

Stayfer
Suck that CHALK and CHOKE ON IT!!

Gorey and Stayfer share a powerful high-five. Shop and Noko share a sigh.