That Night...

Shop
What's up, fellow guys and gals of St. Juniper Middle School? I'm Shappa Deckert, but you can call me "Shop". -I- am outside the News Room, where the PurpleFox is in the middle of his latest broadcast hijacking!

How am I recording this, you ask, in such HIGH-FIDELITY? Simple: my dad used to work for a broadcasting company – he does kind of a pirate radio station out of our backyard. He's given me- well, okay, I TOOK one of his recorder thingies, and I put it in my backpack! I think it's called a Rec-Pod. Anyway, let's listen in.

A voice plays from a handheld radio, and echoes with its nearby analog source.

PurpleFox
(In duplicate.) The golden imps came upon the lumpy corpses of their parents... their innocent practical joke had killed them, and all of their friends. They thought the poison would only make them sick... that they'd be famous for their hijinks. Now... they were gone.

Thank you for listening. This has been Twisted Tales, our story was 'The Golden Imps'. I'm The PurpleFox, going back from whence we came.

Shop
Intriguing tale. Now, time to expose this renegade storyteller!

The doorknob shakes.

Shop
Hello, PURPLEFOX!

PurpleFox
Shop?!

Shop
Noko!

Noko
Get out of here, Shop! You're gonna blow my cover!

Shop
So what? Why not just tell everyone it was you? They think your show is cool!

Noko
Because nobody can know I'm PurpleFox!

Shop
What is that, anyway? Are you gonna drop a rap single when you run out of poetry?

Noko
It's a codename, so I don't get caught.

Shop
What are you even doing here? How did you get in?

Noko
What about you?

Shop
I hid in the equipment room.

Noko
How are you getting out?

Shop
Uh, the front doors?

Noko
Not with the alarms, you're not.

Shop
So what's your idea, genius?

Noko
Come with me.

Clunk, whoosh! Click. Their voices echo in a cramped space.

Shop
Whoah! How did you find this?

Noko
By accident. Sorry, it's a little tight here for someone of your-

Shop
Ahem.

Noko
-stature.

Shop
Well, your tiny ass fits just fine.

Noko
I think that's why nobody else uses it. Watch your head-

Donk!

Shop
OW!!

Noko
I warned you.

Shop
This is gonna make for an AMAZING radio show, everyone's gonna LOVE it! Most of the time, I just end up talking about birds I see from my window.

Noko
You can't tell anyone, Shop. You know as well as I do that my show only works if I'm anonymous. Besides, you really want people farting in this secret passageway, leaving trash and old food to rot? They'll totally ruin it for us, and especially for me: if anyone gets caught, the school will seal it off. No more show. If you kill the mystery, you're killing people's hope.

Shop
I get it, I get it. Jeez. We've got plenty of hope, like MY podcast! Look around, we're the best school in the province!

Noko
Are we?

Shop
Best school on an Ontario reservation?

Noko
Who knows.

Shop
Can I tell my dad? He'd love to hear it, he'd think it was cool that the 'young folk' are 'sticking it to the man'.

Noko
If you expose me, is a bigger mystery just gonna gift-wrap itself and jump into your lap? You'll spend the next year coasting off of your only good moment, until everyone's tired of you. That's not good for you, or me.

Shop
First of all, gift-wrapped and in my lap is my preferred way of meeting a miss, story or not, wink.

Noko
(Disgusted.) Ugh. Look, the most important part is that I could be ANYONE. If everyone knew it was me, it wouldn't be cool anymore.

Clunk, whoosh! Click. Birds and grasshoppers are chirping.

Shop
Oh hey, we're at the fountain.

Noko
Yeah, these tunnels go all over. So, you'll keep my secret? You can't use these doors during the day, or around other people, or everyone will know about them.

Shop
One more thing... how do you make yourself sound like a dude?

Noko
I just kind of... tuck my chin into my chest.

Shop
Well, the effect stinks. You sound like a chipmunk on reverse-helium. I'm not keeping your secret-

Noko
Dude!

Shop
-I'm keeping OUR secret. You need my help with that audio, admit it.

Noko
You can do that?

Shop
My DAD is a RADIO PIRATE!!

Noko
Right, yeah. I guess so. If that's alright with you? I didn't want to drag anyone else into this. We could get suspended, or worse. Seawall's already on high alert.

Shop
Yeah, yeah. That's all good. I just want a chance to buff up my reputation around here, anyway.

Noko
Your what?

Shop
Weeell, if I had a girl on MY show, people would think I was cool. Like, not a player, but responsible and friendly. The kind of guy who can have girls as friends without being creepy.

Noko
That IS creepy.

Shop
Well, that, and I need a co-host so people don't think I'm a loner. Girls will hear me, all suave and decadent with my rich tones, next to your... serviceable delivery, and they'll wonder... "Should I be jealous?" And I'll be all like, "No way, baby, she's just a coworker, she's nothing to me. Come here and get some-"

Noko
(Laughing.) You're so gross.

Shop
Yeah, yeah. So do we have a deal?

Noko
Yeah, deal.

A soft clap – the sound of a handshake.