Shop
Welcome, students of St. Juniper, to a very special episode of the Pot Shot. Today's guest is Kosumi Filemonsen, aka 'The Wolf'.

Kosumi
(Howling.) AWOOOOOOOO!!

Shop
Kosumi, you've promised a major comeback this season, but you've ALSO promised to tell the TRUTH to the three dates you've been seeing. That's right, folks, THREE! I've heard of two-timing, but this is ridiculous. And one of them is a boy? I thought you were exclusively gay.

Kosumi
I don't date boys, don't be ridiculous. It's girls all the way, man. I'm all about the ladies.

Shop
We'll see about that. First, tell us about your time with the Stonewallers – the golden age, your bright beginning.

Kosumi
Well, it all started last month. I was nobody special, just Kosumi Filemonsen. But you can call me 'Koce'. Mild-mannered, bad with girls, and bullied by all the jocks.

Shop
Hold on. Mild-mannered? Bad with girls? You're famously thick-headed, sure, but you've been rumored to whoop and holler when you see breasts in your biology textbook, and have also been spotted cutting class at the pizza parlor, where you and Harold broke pool cues in a duel. If anything, your profile screams LOUD and PROUD OF IT. In fact, there are several reports of YOU bullying the school nerds.

Kosumi
(Sniffs.) Well, those are just rumors. I'm actually quite sensitive, as far back as I can remember.

Shop
How far is that?

Kosumi
A couple months, why?

Shop
Oh, you kidder. But, keep in mind, I don't waste tape on lies.

Kosumi
Alright, well... usually, I am loud. Lately, though, I've been different. When I play, I'm like this... god. Perfect, impervious, confident, and sexy. Untouchable. But after, I'm a mess. I can barely form a sentence. Coach MacReady says it's a good thing – shows that I care about the game. But I wanna get into a good sports college after high school, and Mr. Fields says he can hook me up if I play really well.

Shop
You're saying he can secure you a college scholarship almost four years in advance on nothing but a soccer record?

Kosumi
Sports are important, for growth and development. Sportsmanship, is uh... paramount to a successful future.

Shop
Can you do calculus? Is Mr. Fields giving you advanced material so you're ready for next year? Or have you been doing the same homework as last year?

Kosumi
I, uh... just play soccer, actually.

Shop
What about the rest of the day?

Kosumi
Hey, you know why they call me The Wolf?

Shop
No, why?

Kosumi
It's because-

Shop
-because you score three goals in a row, every single game?

Kosumi
How'd you know?

Shop
Because I gave you that name. I'm the Sports Announcer, remember?

Kosumi
Really?

Click! A recording plays.

Coach Smith
Shop, I love your energy. I want you to cover the games this season.

Shop
Really, sir? Me? What about Tab and Oddball?

Coach Smith
They're busy. Besides, your show's already called The Pot Shot! It's perfect for sports!

Shop
I guess I saw myself as more of a social journalist, y'know? Gossip, street news...

Coach Smith
You can still do that! But after.

Click.

Kosumi
Oh, huh. You recorded that?

Shop
I record everything.

Kosumi
Uh...huh. Did you record my first game?

Shop
Yep.

Click! Another recording...

Noko
He takes it to the left, he needles the threat, I mean, uh...

Shop
Threads the needle.

Noko
Yes! He's sewing that field with ACTION.

Shop
Bit of a mixed metaphor, but alright. Now he's neck and neck with Corbin D. of the Pellento Smokestacks, Corbin jabs his heel back and knocks it loose, but Kosumi holds on and GOOOAL!

Noko
Very nice. Way to go, half-bro.

Shop
They're back to center... Kosumi pitches it upward, and Harold rolls it east for the Smokestacks' net. Delvin H. on net sends it back, Alan K. on defense kicks it out of bounds. The ref puts Kosumi on the side with the ball... Kosumi kicks it STRAIGHT into the goal! IT'S IN!!

Noko
That's our dog!

Shop
Back to center... Kosumi steals it right away, and while everyone else is dazed and confused, he's ducking and weaving, and he kicks it... IT'S A GOOOAL!

Noko
(Banging on the desk.) TRIPLE THREAT!

Shop
And just listen to that crowd!

Clapping and cheering from parents and kids alike. Then, click.

Kosumi
Oh, wooow! What about the secon-

Shop
We don't have time for that.

A crinkling bag is ripped open.

Shop
(Eating chips.) Now. (Munch.) You kept the exact same score across seven games, but on the eighth, what happened? (Gulp.)

Kosumi
I lost my groove. From hero to zero.

Shop
(Crunching.) You got cut down to SIZE, buddy.

Kosumi
Where were you keeping those chips-

Shop
It's my room, so... wherever I want.

Click.

Noko
Whoah... The Wolf's not looking so good, for once.

Shop
(Munching.) He looks like he's gonna repeat his lunch all over the grass.

Noko
Classic slip-and-slide trap.

Shop
(Crunch, crunch.) Dude, no. Have some respect for the game.

Noko
Are you eating chips right now?

Shop
(Mouth full.) It's my show, I can do what I want. (Gulp.)

Noko
(Ahem.) Kosumi is wobbling around, looking for the ball as it passes him by on all sides. He's frozen in time, and the world is passing him by like it's the future!

Shop
After last game, when the Winterbed Warriors stonewalled the Stonewallers, it's become apparent that The Wolf is getting repetitive... and predictable. Might as well start calling him The Record, instead.

Noko
That's yet another goal by Yellar Z., the Warriors' center player. They've got a smart strategy in play – crack the wall with the sword.

Shop
That's right, Coach Smith has assigned two defense-men, one goalie, one center, and one forward, in a sword formation. It's enough to shatter St. Juniper's center-heavy defense, who usually rely on Kosumi's talent to keep the ball on the other side.

Noko
This is getting embarrassing for everyone: nothing to ten, St. Juniper at Home, Winterbed away. If it wasn't for Stayfer's overworked goal-tending, we'd be at nothing-twenty. Though I'm sure Kosumi is trying, like, super hard right now.

Shop
And if Gorey on dee wasn't trying to make jokes to Stayfer, he wouldn't be so distracted. St. Juniper's team is crumbling in front of the net, leaving it wide open.

Noko
He's obviously settled into slacking off, thanks to the team's usual performance. That's another for John F., the forward Warrior, aka The Slapper.

Shop
That sound his cleats make when he kicks...

SLAP!

Noko
It's a thing of beauty, Shop.

Shop
You got that right, Noko. And OHHH!! Kosumi takes a big dive, and face-plants so hard, the TURF is coming out!

Noko
Yep, that's a nosebleed with a grass bandage.

Click.

Kosumi
I don't remember it being THAT bad. I mean, uh, yeah. I dived. Mr. Fields's pulling me off the team unless I improve. They figured me out, through and through.

Shop
Well, you use the EXACT SAME MOVES every single game. A fake-out, a deke, and a bicycle kick.

Kosumi
Heh, tools of the trade.

Shop
In that order, without fail, for seven games consecutively.

Kosumi
That's called "strategy".

Shop
THAT is called a "gimmick". Now, I hear you're bumped back to the net?

Kosumi
Gorey will be, ahem, playing forward for the rest of the season. I'll be goal-tending.

Shop
Does that sting?

Kosumi
Uh, no, I mean... we're a team.

Shop
I meant your face.

Kosumi
Oh, yeah. It kinda does.

Meanwhile...

Coach Smith
Kilo!

Keo
What?

Coach Smith
Kirby.

Keo
No.

Coach Smith
Kaitlyn, whatever, get over here!

The two of them enter Doc Ostrich's office.

Keo
What do you want?

Coach Smith
Gorey is AWOL, he says he won't play if we don't win. He doesn't want to be "associated with losers". So, you're playing defense for the Stonewallers.

Keo
But you said "no girls allowed".

Coach Smith
But that's perfect, because you're not a girl, are you?

Keo
Uh...

Coach Smith
Are you?

Keo
Uhhh......

Coach Smith
ARE YOU NOT OR ARE YOU?

Keo
If you wanna book me for some medical exams-

Coach Smith
You're replacing Gorey on the team, defense. Nobody'll know the difference!

Keo
I still have curves, man.

Coach Smith
Great! We'll need skills like that. Those ruffians won't see what's coming.

Keo
I hate you.

Coach Smith
Don't hate the player, hate the game.