Mrs. Seawall
I don't get it. Why would Juke send me this?

Coach Smith
It could have been an accident.

Mrs. Seawall
Is it part of some kind of mind-game? They're exes, they're supposed to hate one another. Now they're hanging out.

Coach Smith
Maybe they're doing well together?

Mrs. Seawall
That's what I'm afraid of.

Click! A recording plays.

Belilah
You want Smackers?

Juke
Non, mademoiselle.

Belilah
Yeah, me neither. Makes me gassy.

Juke
I think that's where the name comes from, cause it makes my ass-cheeks smack together.

Laughter, and click.

Coach Smith
Honestly, I think he just thought you'd laugh.

Mrs. Seawall
Why would I laugh at this?

Coach Smith
You know, he's... sharing a funny moment with his girlfriend?

Mrs. Seawall
I still don't trust Juke. He knows too much, and he's gotten in my way before. We never did get along, growing up.

Coach Smith
Then why did you make him your Head of Security?

Mrs. Seawall
Keep your friends close... and your enemies closer. Or in this case, lacrosse rivals.

Coach Smith
Ah, rivals. As long as he's spying on the kid, and not us, we don't have a problem.

Mrs. Seawall
Speaking of, that kid is acting strange again. I really don't want a repeat of last year... the parents couldn't have been more furious.

Meanwhile...

Shop
Alright, buddy. Time to spill it. What's up with you?

Kosumi
(Sigh.) Okay. So, as of this summer, I was seeing Tab and Oddball of the St. Juniper Update-

Shop
Keep in mind, just the facts. No bad-mouthing your exes, they might be listening.

Kosumi
-and we've since broken up, due to a series of incidents-

Shop
That you caused.

Kosumi
-that I caused, which may have hurt the feelings of said students-

Shop
Who are beloved.

Kosumi
...yeah. So I had to stop seeing both girls-

Shop
At the same time.

Kosumi
-at, or around, the same time.

Shop
And here we are. The story of how you TRIPLE-TIMED your girlfriends, and lost all three of them. One of them being a boy. But we're not hearing it from Kosumi, oh no.

Kosumi
W-we're not?

Shop
Nope, you've said enough. Here's Oddball Costa, to tell us her side.

Kosumi
Oh, boy.

Shop
Oh, GIRL. Here she is, listeners!

Oddball
Hey. Oddball Dosela, here.

Shop
What's up, baby?

Oddball
I'm not your baby.

Shop
Noted.

Oddball
So, I was shutting down the News Room when this lumbering wolf comes over. Black hair, tan, thick as a brick. His brain, I mean. But soooo, so cute. Just wanna rub his belly and hug him.

Shop
Please, stick to the facts.

Oddball
Point is- he came looking for me. Starts chatting me up, uh-huh, uh-huh... says, "We don't have to date, but I wanna see you, let's hit the movies." We go, and he starts crying. In the movie, the hero's mother died, right? He starts crying about how he never knew his mom until recently.

Shop
Is that true?

Kosumi
Yeah, I grew up with my granddad. My mom only moved back from Japan this year, and I haven't had the chance to spend any time with her, except for a few dinners. We still don't really know each other. I didn't know I had a sister for the longest time, and we're practically strangers, too.

Oddball
So I feel for the guy, right? He leans in for a kiss, and I'm like, "why not?". And he starts, like... cry-kissing me?

Kosumi
(Oh, no.)

Oddball
And he's getting snot in my mouth, and I'm just like, "It's okay, it's okay..." and he grabs my butt.

Kosumi
(Oh, no no no...)

Oddball
And I'm like, "Hey, that's too far. I'm going home." And he bawls his eyes out, and says he's alone and he has nobody... well, that's when SHE showed up.

Shop
No...

Oddball
Oh, yeah. It's some girl I've NEVER MET, and he LEAVES ME for HER, IN FRONT OF ME. Tells her to meet him later, he's "with a friend". Yeah, I was out of there. I told my mom everything.

Kosumi
(Vomiting.) Hraurgh...

Shop
Keep it in the trash can, pal.

Oddball
She's so pissed, she calls his granddad, and now everyone's at my house having a screaming match! His granddad,'s defending him, saying "there's no way, there's no way, he's a GOOD boy..."

Shop
Is THAT whole mess true?

Kosumi
I have a, uh. Limited recollection of those events. That seems mostly, if not more than half true.

Oddball
Oh, Lord.

Oddball walks out of the studio.

Kosumi
I- shit. Okay, I'm apologizing, now. That's- this is my apology.

Shop
I see. And you are sorry?

Kosumi
Yes. I'm very sorry, Oddball.

Shop
And if I remember right, that wasn't even the worst thing you did.

Kosumi
What? It had to be.

Shop
With us now on the line is Tablita Dosela, aka 'Tab': the younger and more vivacious host of the Update.

Tab
Don't be gross.

Shop
Is that gross?

Tab
I dunno, probably.

Kosumi
In advance, whatever I did-

Shop
Don't speak over the lady.

Silence.

Tab
Ahem. So after the big blow-out with the moms and the yelling, I thought, "gee, he must be pretty sad." Oddball was pretty much laughing it off the next day.

Shop
She may have been more bothered than she let on-

Tab
Me? I was tired of being stood up by queers, so I decided to give a dog a bone.

Shop
If you could watch the inflammatory use of that word, some of our listeners might be sensitive-

Tab
Don't interrupt me, alright? I'm all FOR the queer cause, I'm not the bad kind of Protestant! I don't care if they get their own day, their own month. They're not a threat to me. I'm probably half-queer myself, so I can talk however I want about them, alright?

Shop
(Ahem). How bold of you to say.

Tab
I think all people are very beautiful, I think we can all see the beauty in each other no matter what our orientation is. Don't you dare assume I'm anything but upstandingly supportive of our nation's struggling factions. I can certainly afford to mess around, if I do say so myself. I mean, explore, of course. Life IS an adventure, after all, if one has the resources.

Shop
So generous. And if one doesn't?

Tab
Oh, I assure you, I am generous. And if the scrappy tramps want to engage in degeneracy together... that's their business. I'll support them, too.

Shop
Right, but you JUST used the word 'queer' in a derogatory fashion against people who've wronged you-

Tab
What, are you queer? Should we tell all of your listeners that you're a fruity boy? Or should I tell all of mine?

Shop
It's just not professional to act this way on the radio. If you could be a little bit less demeaning-

Tab
Who exactly is on trial here, can you remind me?

Shop
(Sighing.) Kosumi.

Kosumi
(Defensive.) WHO, by the way, is not gay. Just so we're clear.

Tab
ANYWAY. So this guy's all cried out, I think, and he's pestering me, asking me to apologize on his behalf. I say, "screw that, if my co-host gets a secret date, so do I!" He takes me out to fancy restaurant, right? He says, "I know a guy here, we'll get a discount." We sit down, eat pickle chips, and he starts talking about what a 'bitch' Oddball is.

Shop
Ohhh, yeah?

Kosumi
(I'm gonna hurl again.)

Tab
He says, 'Oddball's the worst! I don't know how you put up with her.' I'm like, 'Dude, she's my sister.' He says, 'Oh, I mean, she's alright. But she can be the worst, SOMETIMES.' I'm like, 'okay, whatever.' I was just hungry at that point.

Shop
So Kosumi was trying to divide the two of you to cover his tracks.

Tab
I'd think so!

Shop
Got anything to say for yourself, Kosumi?

Kosumi
I, uh...

Silence.

Tab
So... after he tells this sob story, he tries to play footsies with me under the table, and tongue-kiss me with a mouthful of lobster!

Shop
Oh, that's NASTY! I thought you were a gentleman!

Kosumi
I was gentle with my tongue! I just forgot to rinse it down first.

Tab
He didn't even get up from the table, he just LEANED OVER everything! He spilled my water right onto my food!

Kosumi
I don't recall-

Tab
Now there's something to be said for a man who's willing to take what he wants – I wouldn't settle for anything less.

Shop
...right.

Tab
Listen, nothing infuriates me more than a settled-out, quiet man who waits for the sun to go down before he'll touch you, as all my dates before have been. It's just not proper to put all the pressure on a woman to make the first move, we've got reputations to uphold.

Kosumi
Yes, exactly what I was thinking-

Tab
But Kosumi was just too much! He's twice my height and size, and he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer! Then he follows me to the bathroom for a "make-out sesh", so I lock the door and wait for him to leave me alone. I was hoping he'd calm down, and we could go back to being romantic. When I came out, he was GONE. He LEFT me with a TWENTY DOLLAR TAB, and all I had was a spilled glass of water and some soaking pickle chips!

Shop
Brother, that is absolutely not cool. None of that is cool.

Kosumi
I'm-

Tab
But that's not even the WORST part! My mom was so mad at ME for going with him in the first place, she left me there alone to pay the bill myself! I'm FOURTEEN! I don't have MONEY!

Shop
Koce-boy, tsk tsk tsk.

Kosumi
I may have had another dentist's appointment, earlier that day as well...

Tab
They made me wash the DISHES (sniffles), and CLEAN the GREASE TRAP, and- and- and I have to go back tomorrow, and-

Shop
Well, I think we ALL know who's taking your shift. That's it for the Pot Shot! KA-SHAAA!!