Coach Smith
Get out there and play!

Keo
This jersey is itchy.

Guy in Crowd
Hey, I thought this was a boy's game!

Coach Smith
SHE IS A BOY! I MEAN-

Keo
Told you they wouldn't buy it.

Coach Smith
Alright, maybe you're intergendered-

Keo
Intersex.

Coach Smith
So get out there and "smash the patriarchy", by showing everyone how good girls can play! Half-girls.

Keo
I'm pretty sure being told what to do by a man is the definition of "patriarchy".

Coach Smith
If you don't play, I'll...

Keo
Ugh, whatever. But you're buying me a Diet Spritz and the biggest vegan burger they have at Smackers.

Coach Smith
Hah, perhaps after the game.

Keo
I mean now, Coach. Go start your car.

Click! The recording ends.

Kosumi
That was fun.

Shop
Don't touch any of those buttons, dude. You don't know what they do. Noko knows that.

Kosumi
Yeah, well, she's busy cheering for Keo right now. Pom-poms and all.

Noko
GO GRIFFIN, YOU'RE THE MAN, IF YOU CAN'T DO IT NO ONE CAN! SLAP THOSE BALLS, AND MAKE THEM PAY, RUIN EVERYBODY'S DAY!

Keo
(Confused.) Are you trying to be encouraging??

Noko
I just thought you needed some support cause you're having such a rough time lately.

Keo
Uhh... right. Maybe cheer less aggressively?

SLAP! Then, the sound of something skidding in the grass.

Noko
(Wincing.) Oof.

Keo
(In pain.) Aw, man, not again...

Shop
And that's a goal for the away team! My co-host today is Kosumi "The Wolf" Arnau, former forward of the Stonewallers. Kosumi, can you tell us why that is?

Kosumi
I'm off the field until I can fix whatever's broken with me. I think it's just a lack of confidence, y'know? Like if I can get on a really good roll-

Shop
Never gonna happen! Kosumi, what do you make of the game so far?

Kosumi
I dunno. Our number is bigger, which is cool. Gorey is really kicking stuff into things, which is cool. Those other guys are tougher than we are, though. Which is c-

Shop
No, Kosumi. That's not cool.

Kosumi
We're the grey and red ones, right? I think we're the worst in the league.

Shop
You're not wrong to say it. Though Gorey's giving all he's got as our forward, spending most of the season in defense hasn't prepared him for this. Nor has puberty, which apparently is waiting on something – the poor kid's only four and a half feet tall.

Coach Smith
KOSUMI! Keo is making these... impossible demands, I need you back in the game!

Kosumi
Really? You mean you think I can do it?

Coach Smith
(Hesitant.) Oh, um...

Silence.

Coach Smith
On second thought: Shop, put this on.

Shop
Me?

Coach Smith
You're fat, you'll block something even if you don't move.

Shop
Man the station for me, will ya? Don't touch anything.

Kosumi
(Sigh). I wonder what all these buttons do.

Click! Another recording plays...

Shop
[Note to self: See a doctor about unruly nose-hair. Some kind of condition?]

Kosumi
Hahaha.

Click!

Noko
[Should we do like a talent show thing?]

Shop
[And everyone's wearing a costume?]

Noko
[But there's MARBLES, ALL OVER THE STAGE!!]

Shop
[BRILLIANT! I'm keeping that one.]

Click!

Kosumi
Boring.

Click.

Kosumi
Huh... the guys in black shirts are laughing at us. Does that mean we're losing?

Click!

Coach Smith
[We've got Koce lined up for two dates, just like you asked.]

Mrs. Seawall
[Good, we need to bury this queer thing before it gets out of hand. I don't want another fiasco. And keep Keo away from him, at all costs.]

Coach Smith
[Keo's not even on the team.]

Mrs. Seawall
[I mean off the field. I don't expect them to make out on the center line, but I do expect them to meet up after school. Make sure Kosumi sees how important this upcoming tournament is to us.]

Coach Smith
[You think the other teams don't have gay players?]

Mrs. Seawall
[No, I think they come from communities where they can afford to be whatever they want. We have to hide everything that doesn't look like 'upstanding Christian behavior', or the committee will tank our funding.]

Coach Smith
[I'm still pissed about last year.]

Mrs. Seawall
[You mean when they bought themselves a cruise ship?]

Coach Smith
[Yeah, for the river that's only twenty-five meters wide.]

Click!

Kosumi
Why's everyone looking- ooohh, that was on the loudspeaker.

An Hour Later...

Mrs. Seawall
Shop. How did you record our conversation?

Shop
I don't know! Kosumi was messing with the other tapes, one of them must have come from somebody else.

Mrs. Seawall
You shouldn't HAVE any tapes of us talking. AT ALL.

A loud smack on a desk.

Mrs. Seawall
Pay ATTENTION! Shop, you are forbidden from recording people without their knowledge or consent!

Shop
What about all that stuff you guys were saying, about covering up Kosumi's orientation for the tournament?

Mrs. Seawall
You misheard. We were talking about...

Silence.

Mrs. Seawall
Get out of my office.

Click. Footsteps, and someone sitting down exhausted.

Noko
Sup!

Keo
I hate this place so much.

Noko
How's defense?

Keo
Being on a losing team when you're trying your hardest... it's tough to put into words. It's almost like we're in the wrong league?

Shop
What, Junior High?

Keo
Yeah. We should be playing Elementary Schools, at our level. We'd obviously win, but it's the fundamentals we're missing. We need slow and steady practice, without too much pressure. And a sixth grade team would get a real kick out of beating us, which would be fun.

Shop
You mean like the Elementary school right next to us?

Keo
Yeah, Mikwa'am Elementary. There's tons of little athletes there, I see them out all the time. Some of them are twice as good as I am.

Noko
Hey... are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?

Shop
Thinking is for losers.

The Next Day...

Kosumi
Why am I playing soccer against a bunch of little girls?

Noko
Because you need a game you might win, and girls you can't date.

Kosumi
(Darkly.) You underestimate me.

BONK!

Kosumi
OW!! It was a joke! Are you angry at me for something?

Keo
(Sarcastic.) No, why would I be angry at you?

Kosumi
I just thought it had something to do with the last time we-

PHWEET! A whistle blows. Children scream, and swarm the net.

Girl
You're a loser!

Kosumi
You're a loser.

Kick!

Boy
You're dirty!

Kosumi
You're so dirty, you've got a bar of dirt to wash your hands.

Girl
You're so gross, you wash in a bathtub full of sweat!

Kick!

Kosumi
Blocked! Eat my dust, kiddo.

Girl
When I'm done, you're gonna be eating my dust through a straw!

Kids
OOOOOOHH!!

Kosumi
I... what does that even mean?!

Kick!

Keo
That's a goal! Good job, kids!

Boy
You stink too, lady-boy!

PHWEET!

Shop
That's a penalty, no trash-talking the refs.

Girl
What are you gonna do about it, fatty?

Kosumi
You didn't say the kids would be mean!

Noko
We didn't know!

Keo
Nah, I pretty much knew this was coming.

Meanwhile...

Mrs. Seawall
What are those hooligans doing at the elementary? Give me the binoculars.

Coach Smith
They're getting beat in a game of six on three, against little kids.

Mrs. Seawall
That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.