Read I just want to dance :: Anger and pain

Jade

It was tiring!

And I'm not talking about the routine with Choi Min-ho, but rather not constantly glancing at the audience where "my" Min-ho is sitting.

He's gone back to his natural hair color and is even more handsome!

Ari noticed I was having a hard time taking my eyes off him, so she brought up my old crush on Minho, which I'd told her about.

And considering the gossip Tae-Hyun has spread about me, it seemed easy to take the opportunity to divert any suspicions about us.

Although I have to admit, Minho is fantastic as always, especially now that he's a famous thirty-year-old, also appreciated for his athletic career.

He was so sweet in wanting to do the routine with me; he raps amazingly and, above all, dances amazingly. Revisiting a song I loved so much made me happy.

As the show went into break, he told me he really enjoyed my "Warrior" routine; he found it full of emotion and technique. It really moved me, what he said.

Now I'm just waiting to do my number with Ji-ho and then my solo number.

And I'm dreading that to death.

I chose a difficult song, to play on the piano, and I want the message to reach Min-ho's heart directly.

Only him.

I really hope he understands.

I thought about it a lot during the week, I had a thousand doubts, but in the end I followed my heart.

After what happened with the lawyer, I decided to be myself, without forcing it, following only my emotions.

I've lost the initial enthusiasm and illusions I had when I left. I've realized how tough this environment is, but above all, how hypocritical it is, so I'll end my experience and Ari and I will try to do something together in Los Angeles.

Of course, the thought of leaving Min-ho here torments me, but the truth is I can't fool myself into thinking he can be 'mine' even for a second.

He's an idol, one of the rising stars of the indie-pop firmament, and he'll never be able to have a normal life. Especially a twenty-year-old with a career on the rise like his.

Of course, if I were to become an idol too, we could study something, since behind the scenes, no one cares about us seeing each other. The important thing is to avoid any gossip leaking to the media.

I know of idols who got married in secret, had children, and didn't say anything until they retired from the scene, so the situation wouldn't even be dramatic.

What is dramatic is the fact that I don't know how Min-ho feels about me.

It's true, I'm a fan, so mine could be more of a veneration than a crush, but what about him?

I completely shocked him with that whole 'shine for me' thing. Maybe he wasn't even prepared for a sexual proposal, but in that moment I would have done anything not to immediately separate from him.

I was reckless, because I'm losing my heart, but I won't beg for his attention and, above all, I won't ruin his reputation.

Given what the lawyer said, if my mother found out, she'd take revenge on him.

I sigh and gasp as Ji-Ho approaches.

We prepared a choreography that meshed a One Direction and a TXT song, and we really liked the result.

The coach also appreciated our performance, and we hope the audience will do the same.

When they call our names, we enter the dance floor, wait for the introductions, and then we start.

I admire Ji-Ho's flexibility, his way of moving as if he were gliding on skates; he has a way of crossing his legs that intrigued me from day one. So I suggested my swing motion to him, and he was immediately taken with my dancing. The pieces we've prepared are a mix of fluid movements and street dance, giving us the opportunity to let loose and get the audience going too.

We're now at the crucial part of the program, and we're fighting for our spot in the final.

We end the performance with a krumping battle that excites everyone.

Of course, they didn't expect two danceable songs like the ones we've chosen to produce such a dynamic, up-rock effect.

Tired and happy, we enjoy the applause, high-fiving each other.

I manage to cool down a little when a staff member tells me I'm the first one drawn for the solo number.

I huff and nod.

They want me dead.

It's a pace I can't keep up with!

I dab my face and notice some of the contestants staring at me and chatting among themselves.

They do it insistently, and I don't understand what's happening, but I prefer not to get distracted, so I grab my towel and go to the sound engineer to ask him to show me the instrument I'll be using.

I've decided on the classical grand piano, something out of place for a program like this.

But I want to amaze everyone, especially him.

I don't know how much time passes when I'm called on stage.

I put on jeans, a tank top, and a black leather jacket, let my hair down over my shoulders, and left.

I sit at the piano, caress the keyboard, and finally take a breath and begin to run my fingers over the keys.

And I look at him.

I search for him among so many faces and fix my eyes on him.

The song is Speechless by Lady Gaga.

I sing it in the same key as the diva, clearly, with my voice scratching the lyrics.

I start and feel free.

I can't believe what you said to me
Last night when we were alone
You threw your hands up
Baby you gave up, you gave up

I can't believe how you looked at me
With your James Dean glossy eyes
In your tight jeans with your long hair
And your cigarette stained lies

When I finish the last note, only silence remains. Nothing moves, until the roar of the audience erupts.

I let out a final sigh, caress the piano, and stand up, stepping forward and bowing.

Everyone's standing and I don't realize it.

Min-ho is applauding, his expression halfway between shock and emotion.

He's gotten my message, and that's all that matters.

The applause continues for a while, and finally I take a few steps back and leave the stage.

I slump into a chair, completely drained of energy.

I close my eyes and smile.

There are excited voices behind me, catching my attention.

They're kids commenting on my performance, and their words aren't flattering.

"I told you the coach recommended her," says one.

"It was clear from the start that she could be on this show because she has the sponsor. It's unfair."

"She's good, unfortunately, and the final will be hers... all my time studying is for nothing."

"Ji-ho, you shouldn't say that. If anything happens, we'll appeal to the committee."

And I recognized these two voices: Tae-Hyun and Ji-Ho.

And they're talking badly about me.

"Have you seen the online grades? She'll pulverize us after this performance."

Muttering and even a few swear words follow.

I'm stunned.

I haven't done anything wrong to any of them; is it possible that I have to endure attacks like this?

I get up angrily, pull back the curtain, and face them with burning eyes.

They're surprised by my appearance, but Tae-Hyun quickly recovers.

"Are you eavesdropping behind doors now?"

I come face to face with them, pressing my lips together so as not to spit all my anger at him.

"What, do you want to punch me? You think I'll let you get away with it this time?" he challenges me.

I clench my hands and try not to give in, but a thousand thoughts are swirling in my head and I try not to let myself be manipulated.

"Tell me to my face, you bastard, instead of criticizing me when I'm not here."

"You're a foreigner, you shouldn't even have come. People like you disgust me," he replies, confident in the support of his friends.

I stare at them one by one, Ji-Ho and some lower their heads and take a step back.

They're assholes. I helped them, I studied with them, and they do this to me?

"Instead, I feel sorry for you. And do you know why? You're just a spineless, venomous, and boastful hypocrite. And you let an American girl beat you."

He shoves me, putting a hand on my shoulder.

"Does it hurt, coward?"

I laugh in his face.

And he raises a hand to hit me.

I keep laughing and then, suddenly, I start screaming at the top of my lungs, scaring everyone.

He stands there with his hand in the air, eyes wide and mouth agape.

People rush over and catch us like that, with me still screaming and him staring at me.

You want to sink me, you idiot?

I'll take you with me!