The universe could crush us at any moment, and Siwoo had always known this well. Humans are small, their existence insignificant. Anyone who tries to unravel the mysteries of the universe or search for the meaning of life is bound to break under the weight of it – Nietzsche, one of the most influential thinkers on Earth, didn't he go mad from his own ideas? He spent the last twelve years of his life deteriorating, lost in insanity, and after his death, an unwittingly misinterpreted fragment of his philosophy helped ignite the Second World War, so that he might weep over humanity even from the afterlife. Then there was Schopenhauer, who lived out his last years in complete solitude, so lost that he even named his dog "Atman." Freud prepared for death for sixteen years, but in the end, only a planned suicide, assisted by doctors, could finally free him from his physical suffering.

Knowing all this, it might seem as if it doesn’t matter whether one lives or dies; no matter what one does, life remains just as insignificant. Yet, there is a belief that says: No, you do matter. Someone is watching over you, someone has a mission for you, someone is waiting for you, someone wants you to be good – someone whose existence all these damned philosophers denied.

No one forced Siwoo to believe in God. His family wasn’t religious, they never took him to church, they didn’t even own a Bible. Siwoo decided on his own that he wanted to believe. He wanted to believe that he didn’t have to be afraid, that he, too, mattered in this vast world. Among the countless living beings, the parallel universes, perhaps even among extraterrestrials, his life had value – immense value. As mentioned before, he didn’t want to seek the truth, he didn’t want to search for answers, he simply wanted to believe. To believe in one of the many truths, unwaveringly, unshakably.

As Christmas approached, Siwoo felt closer to God. He was happy. Happy, because he had everything his soul desired: a family, a few friends whose presence, while essential, he could still keep at a comfortable distance; self-love; and the burning love of another person. Yes, Siwoo had never been overly ambitious – he believed that to save the world, he needed only one thing: himself, along with everything that made up his soul, his faith, and his thoughts. Other people were merely bonuses, helping him on his journey. He didn’t see this as arrogance, because he believed the same applied to every living being.

“And that’s all for homework over the break. Don’t forget to do it!” The aging math teacher closed the textbook in his hands with deliberate finality, then looked up at the class and added, “and, of course, make sure to rest a lot and spend time in nature. Happy holidays!”

“How the fuck am I supposed to rest with all this studying?” Minjun muttered irritably to himself, sitting right in front of Siwoo.

“Hm?” The teacher immediately raised his head, narrowing his eyes at the boy. “Did you say something, young man?”

“I just said, happy holidays to you too, sir,” Minjun replied with an unwavering grin.

Beside him, Hyunshik immediately burst into laughter.

The teacher stared at the two snickering boys for a moment, then, as the bell rang, merely shook his head and muttered something under his breath before leaving the classroom.

Siwoo sighed in relief. It was over. Finally, this was over too. He bid farewell to the still ridiculously cheerful Minjun and Hyunshik, then, like the rest of the students, hurriedly left the classroom.

In the hallway, his eyes scanned for Junho. They had agreed to go to a trendy café after class. He could hardly wait to finally spend some real time alone with Junho, since beside school they rarely had such opportunities due to the sheer amount of studying. A smile immediately spread across his face when he spotted his boyfriend at his locker, but as he got closer, he realized Junho wasn’t alone. Siwoo frowned. Junho didn’t really have friends, the other guys usually only talked to him when they wanted to insult him or hit on him. Just the thought of either possibility made Siwoo’s blood boil.

He walked toward Junho with growing anger, and as he overheard the two unknown boys – probably underclassmen – talking beside him, his rage only intensified. It wouldn't be appropriate to write down any of their words – of course, it inclouded questions about private areas. 

 The taller one laughed, casually leaning against the blue lockers. His companion nodded approvingly at every word.

Junho’s face remained expressionless as he stared at them. Siwoo saw his fists clench, but Junho did nothing, didn’t even speak.

‘Why isn’t he defending himself?’ Siwoo thought, feeling his own jaw tighten.

With bloodshot eyes, he immediately stepped between Junho and the two pests, slamming his fist so hard against a locker that it seemed like the metal might cave in. The boys flinched at first, and when they saw Siwoo’s face, fear flashed across their idiotic expressions. Ever since his infamous confrontation – and subsequent fight – with Dohyun, which was still the subject of countless school rumours, Siwoo had noticed that people kept their distance from him.

Siwoo wasn’t surprised. He was the odd new kid who dared to challenge the school’s so-called toughest guy, and judging by the severity of the injuries, he had won. Now, he curled his lips into a chilling smile, realizing just how much power he held.

With terrifying calmness, his sharp gaze were shifting between the two boys. “If I recall correctly, even your dumb little etiquette rules dictate that you should treat your elders with respect. So how the f_ck do you dare to speak like this to someone above you?"

The shorter boy turned red with anger and seemed about to move, but his companion yanked him back. They exchanged a meaningful glance, then, deciding they shouldn’t play with fire, turned and fled.

Siwoo noticed how the other students in the hallway were watching, intrigued by the scene. He shot them a murderous look, and the crowd quickly dispersed. Then he turned to Junho, who had been silently standing behind him the entire time.

“Why didn’t you say anything back? How can you let them talk to you like that, when you’re even older than them, and…”

He stopped mid-sentence when he saw the tears welling in Junho’s eyes. His own heart shattered instantly.

"I-I’m sorry", he whispered, gently grabbing Junho’s arm and pulling him into an empty classroom. He knew people were still watching, but he didn’t care. He knew that, while not publicly confirmed, the students probably suspected that he and Junho were close. He also knew there were plenty of rumours about them circulating the school. But he didn’t care. The opinions of parasites didn’t matter.

“Junho”, he choked out as he shut the door behind them. “What else did those bastards say to you? I swear I’ll kill them for making you cry.”

To his surprise, Junho let out a bitter laugh, sitting down on a desk.

“Why do you always want to fight everyone?” he asked, though he didn’t seem to expect an answer. “I didn’t talk back to them because… well, what could I say? They’re right.”

Siwoo stared at him in shock.

“What? How can you say that?” he burst out, spreading his arms wide.

Junho lowered his gaze, and Siwoo saw the tears rolling down his beautiful face.

“Because I deserve it,” he sniffled. “I’m disgusting. I let him record me while…” He swallowed hard, then started another sentence instead. “I was stupid, naïve, and repulsive. Sometimes I feel like I’m nothing but a filthy whore, Siwoo, and I’ll never be able to wash that off of me. I deserve the cruel words… This is my punishment for being such an idiot and so shameless.”

By the end, his tears were flowing in streams, and Junho thought that perhaps this was the first time Junho had ever spoken these thoughts aloud.

“Don’t say things like that, it breaks my heart,” Siwoo whispered, stepping in front of Junho and pulling his trembling body into a warm embrace. He pressed a gentle, soothing kiss to his forehead. “Believe me, God has already forgiven you.”

Junho let out a sad little laugh, burying his face into his lover’s neck.

“You know I don’t really believe in any god.”

“I know,” Siwoo replied, staring at the white wall behind Junho. It felt like he was gazing into infinity. An uncomfortable feeling settled over him, and he had to remind himself that Christianity wasn’t very widespread in South Korea – he couldn’t blame Junho for that. Finally, he spoke with careful deliberation.

“But He believes in you.”

The beautiful boy hesitated, then gently pushed Siwoo away, blinking at him in surprise, as if he hadn’t expected that answer at all.

“That sounds really nice,” he finally smiled – that breathtaking smile that made Siwoo’s stomach flutter instantly. “But what do you mean?”

Siwoo shrugged, then carefully wiped the tears from his lover’s cheek with the sleeve of his jacket.

“Maybe you could give Him a chance,” he said. “I mean… God. I was going to ask you to come to the Christmas mass with me anyway, but what if we went to the nearby church first? Just the two of us. You don’t have to listen to any sermons, just let me tell you a little about God. You might feel a lot happier, a lot freer, if you accepted that someone up there is watching over you and has already forgiven your sins.”

A strange, resistant confusion flickered across Junho’s face, and Siwoo almost felt irritated, imagining his lover’s rejection. But to his surprise, Junho’s features smoothed out in an instant. He simply shrugged and asked:

“Now? Should we go now?”

Siwoo bit his lip, feeling both relief and perhaps a bit of guilt. Junho was so gentle, so sweet – how could he have ever thought such cruel things about himself?

“We can go now if you want,” he said at last. “There’s no one in the churches at this hour, but anyone is free to enter.”

Junho smiled faintly and pressed a soft, sweet kiss to Siwoo’s lips.

“Alright. Let’s go if that’s what you want.”

Siwoo felt the same way he always did whenever his lips met Junho’s: like he was collapsing, like he might faint, like the world was shrinking around them until nothing remained but the gaping black hole where they spun together for all eternity. He swept away his doubts and negative emotions, letting his body simply lead him out of the classroom with Junho by his side.