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Side Story pt. 3: The Guild Report Disaster

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The Adventurer's Guild lobby buzzed with the usual chaos.

Rookie parties clutching monster pelts.

Veterans drinking ale at 10 AM like functional adults.

Quest boards covered in "DRAGON SLAIN – VILLAGES SAVED" notices.

Normal stuff.

Until Raiko and Noona walked through the doors.

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**The Scene:**

Raiko slouched at the reception desk like a defeated bard. His guitar hung limp, his cloak looked like it had survived an art school riot, and he was clutching a rolled-up painting under his arm like contraband.

Noona sat three chairs away. Arms crossed. Parasol closed. Tea untouched.

The silent treatment was so thick you could cut it with a ceremonial fan.

Guild Receptionist Intern, Maya—a cheerful elf with the patience of a saint and the filing skills of a dragon hoarder—looked up from her paperwork.

"Welcome back, Howling Blade party! How did the Temple of Tapazul go? Did you retrieve the Brush of Infinite Vibes?"

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**The Report:**

**Maya:** "So... mission status?"

**Raiko:** (mumbling) "Failed."

**Maya:** "Sorry, what was that?"

**Raiko:** (louder) "Failed. Quest failed. We didn't get the brush."

**Maya:** (blinking) "Oh. That's... unusual. Tapazul's usually just a cultural appreciation quest. What happened?"

**Noona:** (ice-cold) "My husband decided to vandalize a sacred art gallery and steal lesbian propaganda."

The lobby went dead silent. A paladin choked on his ale. A rogue dropped his lockpick set.

**Maya:** "...I'm sorry, he did what now?"

**Raiko:** (panicking) "It wasn't stealing! It was... aesthetic liberation! For the people!"

**Random Warrior at Table 3:** "Did he just say lesbian propaganda?"

**Maya:** (frantically scribbling) "Okay, let me get this straight. You vandalized the Temple of Tapazul—"

**Raiko:** "With stickmen! Artistic stickmen!"

**Maya:** "—and stole artwork?"

**Noona:** "He rage-quit because they had paintings of him holding hands with a muscular prince."

The lobby exploded.

**Veteran Mage:** "THEY SHIPPED HIM?!"

**Young Cleric:** "Oh gods, the BL gallery! I heard about that!"

**Grizzled Barbarian:** "Wait, there's a BL gallery? Asking for a friend."

**Maya:** (stress-laughing) "So... the temple rejected you because you committed art theft and vandalism?"

**Raiko:** "No! They accepted my stickmen! The gate said it was 'original and full of emotion!'"

**Maya:** "Then why did the quest fail?"

**Noona:** (deadly calm) "Because someone called me by my government name and is now banned from physical affection for two weeks."

**Maya:** (confused) "Your... government name?"

**Raiko:** (soul departing) "I panicked! The yuri painting was really well-composed!"

**THE LOBBY LOSES IT.**

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**The Chaos:**

**Random Bard:** "He stole yuri art and called his wife by her real name?!"

**Paladin:** "That's like... three different sins!"

**Rogue:** "What's yuri?"

**Veteran Mage:** "Kid, you're too pure for this conversation."

**Maya:** (frantically writing) "Okay, so... quest failure reason: Marital dispute due to art theft and inappropriate name usage?"

**Noona:** "Add 'disrespecting sacred galleries' and 'causing emotional distress to temple interns.'"

**Raiko:** "The interns were weak! My stickmen had more soul than their prince propaganda!"

**Barbarian:** (shouting from across the room) "SHOW US THE PAINTING!"

**Raiko:** (clutching it tighter) "NO!"

**Noona:** "He's been sleeping next to it like a body pillow."

**THE CROWD GOES FERAL.**

**Multiple Voices:** "SHOW US! SHOW US! SHOW US!"

**Maya:** (banging her stamp) "ORDER! ORDER IN THE GUILD HALL!"

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**The Resolution:**

**Maya:** (exhausted) "Right. So... quest status: FAILED due to... aesthetic disagreements and marital complications."

She stamped a form with the force of divine judgment.

**Maya:** "Your party ranking drops to F minus. You're restricted to goblin extermination and herb gathering until further notice."

**Raiko:** "WHAT?! We've handled ogres!"

**Maya:** "You also vandalized a sacred temple and caused a domestic incident during a quest. The guild has standards."

**Noona:** (standing, parasol snapping open) "Good. Maybe hunting goblins will teach him some respect."

She glided toward the exit like an empress dismissing peasants.

**Raiko:** (calling after her) "Noona! It was compositionally sound! The lighting was divine!"

**Noona:** (not turning around) "Three weeks."

**Raiko:** (collapsing) "NOONA!"

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**The Aftermath:**

As the lobby slowly returned to normal chaos, Maya finished her paperwork.

**Quest Report Filed:**

- Party: Howling Blade

- Mission: Temple of Tapazul - Brush of Infinite Vibes Retrieval

- Status: FAILED

- Reason: Art theft, vandalism, marital dispute, and inappropriate appreciation of sacred lesbian artwork

- Damages: Several traumatized temple interns, one broken tea cup (Noona's), multiple desecrated BL paintings

- Additional Notes: Husband is sleeping on the couch. Wife has gone nuclear. Stickman rebellion spreading across three kingdoms.

Maya: (muttering) "And they wonder why we don't get hazard pay for relationship counseling..."

Behind her, a bulletin board notice appeared:

**WARNING TO ALL ADVENTURERS:**

The Temple of Tapazul has filed a formal complaint against the "Stickman Vandal." 

 

Any party caught defacing sacred artwork with crude drawings will face immediate rank demotion and mandatory art appreciation classes.

Also, please stop asking the reception desk for directions to the "BL Gallery." 

We don't know. We don't want to know.

 -Guild Management-

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**TO BE CONTINUED...**

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>Author Notes:

The guild lobby has never seen drama this spicy. Maya's filing this under "Reasons I Drink" and the bulletin board is getting more complaints than a tavern bard's tip jar. Raiko's now the kingdom's most wanted art thief, and Noona's cold shoulder could freeze a dragon.

This series is fueled by secondhand embarrassment, guild bureaucracy, and the universal truth that husbands will always make things worse when they panic.

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© 2025 H. Behevras | First published on Royal Road Do not repost without permission.