Ano

I have a question and I want you to be completely honest with me

Ok 

Do you believe this is a good relationship in your heart?

Do you really believe that this friendship is healthy and good for both of us?

It’s not normal

But, we can try to be healthy in our terms

If someone were to ask you if this really is a healthy relationship

What would you say to them?

Would you defend us as friends?

Or would you just smile a bit and shrug?

I don’t care to explain to people at this point

it’s just about me and you

Ano

That wasn't an answer

So let me ask you differently

If someone came to you and said "You two are the weirdest and most screwed up friendship combination in the world, and it makes zero sense for you two to be this like this as friends.

It doesn't make sense for you to be this close when your personalities and the way you treat each other are like this way"

You know

If someone said a whole bunch of mean things about our weird friendship

Do you honestly think you could defend us and say anything positive?

I may say a word or two

It may make me wonder

But at last it’s about us

People will assume things

People assumed things

They will say that

And they will say that shouldn’t be done unless to a family or a lover

They will label our relationship as names that we don’t even think we are

But I don’t care.

I know we are weird, and it would make zero sense in the mind of norms

But who are they to judge if they didn’t experience our own feelings and actions

They wouldn’t understand, and we don’t understand their world either

Ok

So you'd still take my side even if people called you crazy and said that we're weird and messed up?

To avoid headaches in the first place

I keep you treasured away from eyes, I don’t really show how deep our relationship, cuz they don’t understand and they won’t.

But I make sure that everyone close knows that you’re there, around, a close and dear friend.

To what extent? It’s unknown.

Who knows that you are a close friend? A few but important figures.

And why? I wanna make sure you stick around in my life, I can’t escape you if my other side showed up, cuz they will ask about you knowing I care about you. And honestly, I like to talk about you sometimes to my niece and sisters a lot cuz I can’t shut my mouth sometimes.

 

Are you really ok with hiding me away like this?

If someone asked you to introduce me as another one of your friends, you'd really be comfortable with that?

This is how I do actually say if I talked about you or brought something related to you to my friends:

 

-And my friend Souta …………

-You have other friend??

-Oh yeah. The only friend I had from my old school, it’s a long weird story but yeah I have this friend, if you wanna hear it later I could tell you but yeah

... That ... Doesn't make it feel I am your friend at all

Lol I know

But that’s what I want,

I choose who to tell, I don’t like to tell anyone because then I can’t shut up about you, and I would want you to be in spotlight.

Only my really close friends and my family know that you are a one, a best friend that I truly dear and that I talk about a lot.

 

You know,

It's funny

I've actually never once told my family and friends that you're a best friend.

Because, if I did, they'd wonder why I was so interested in you

They'd wonder why I was so devoted to the friendship

And so devoted to you.

It'd be suspicious to them

They'd suspect that I liked you more than in a platonic way 

I know right??

That’s why I don’t really talk about you much with other people

My family still thinks I’m weirdly devoted to my friends in general

But I show you on a spot of a close friend

Do they know how deep our friendship is?

Or do they think I'm just one friend among many?

Actually, don't answer that

I guess the answer is obvious...

What is it?

It's obviously you show them I’m just one of your many friends 

I'm not that well known

No

Lololol

What's so funny about it?

I thought you conveyed to them that I wasn't special and just a normal friend for you

Lolololololol I did write a piece before

“On terms of loving friends, I said it once

My sign of love is letting all the family knows

That they are the ones”

 

I think I have an idea of what you're saying, but I want to be sure...

It’s just too hard for me to keep you away from my family.

I can’t shut the f up, you know?

They all know, from the oldest to the youngest, and they have to know that you are the one, my best friend. Like a really close and best of the best friends.

And honestly, I want them to bring you up so I can make sure not to run away from you lol.

So your family doesn't wonder that you're being weirdly invested in a friend so much?

They don't find it strange that you're suddenly caring so much about someone who they've never met before?

No, they think I’m weird already lolol

But I try to be as normal as possible

If one of them asked you "Why are you so obsessed with this guy? Do you like him?"

What would you say?

 

“Oh, how sad. You clearly never had a soul friend, and you clearly know only two types of love.. How sad.”

 

You can be brutally cruel, you know that?

I mean, they basically themselves stepped on a mine

They're rude and mean

But you are brutal too haha.

Not you, not my close friends who they should step on.

I don’t care if their mind has only two concepts of deep love, family and partners. Human beings have a really wide complex emotions that shouldn’t be limited on these two categories.

It’s disgusting.

I just hate stupid humans

You think it's stupid for a human being to only have two concepts of love?

Yeah. I think that’s stupid.

I’m not human enough to be called one. But humans could be disgusting as I am sometimes.

You said "sometimes"

Do you think you're disgusting sometimes?

Do you think your personality and your thoughts are disgusting sometimes?

No, I'm disgusting at all times, but humans sometimes get to my level

... 

Do you really believe that your personality and thoughts, all the time, are disgusting and worthless?

That all the time, every single second of the day, everything that goes on inside your head is just disgusting?

Yeah

There's that game called "Would You Rather"

Would you like to play it with me?

So sudden?

Alright let’s go

I'll be the one to ask you this time

Okay

Here's one

Would you rather be loved unconditionally and adored by everyone around you? However, you'll get tired of everyone's constant attention real quick

Or

Would you rather be hated by everyone except for one person? However, they'll love you with such intensity and devotion that it could even rival that of a lover

Which one do you choose?

Hated

Would you rather be a hero, but not get any recognition or gratitude for it? Or would you rather be evil and become a villain, but get a ton of recognition and even be adored by some people?

Hero

Okay

Last one

Would you rather love someone else with all your heart and receive only a small part of it back? Or would you rather have someone love you with all their heart, but you only love them a little bit in return?

Love someone

You prefer giving love rather than taking it?

Yeah

I fear being unconditionally loved, it’s suffocating

But... Ano

Do you realize how twisted this is?

You prefer to constantly give love, yet you fear being given it

In fact, rather than being loved unconditionally, you want people to hate you

And here's the kicker

You're perfectly ok with hating yourself

Do you see how this is going?

I know man

Are you sure you… don't care about if others are sad reading these answers..?

Because...

I'm frustrated that you're treating yourself this way

I'm sad that you think this way about yourself

Oh.

I forgot..

Sorry...

Did you forget how much I care about you?

No, I mean I forgot that it could hurt you

You forgot that me hearing that you hate yourself could hurt me?

Yeah

I’m sorry

I think it would hurt anybody... It would hurt any person, even a stranger, to hear someone say these things about themselves

And it hurts me because you're someone I care about a lot 

I see you as good person at heart

And the fact that you see yourself as disgusting and worthless

It's just...

I don’t know but

It hurts a lot...

But.. how much am I messed up if I didn’t feel hurt if you said that about yourself?

..I wonder though 

if you'd be ok with me hating myself, with me constantly thinking about myself the way you've been thinking about yourself...

I wonder if you'd find my words pathetic and foolish the way I find yours...

Not really, I’d much more like understand you.

So if I saw myself the same way you saw yourself

And I was the self-loathing and worthless person you saw yourself as

Would it affect the way you feel about me then?

Not really

I will still feel the same.

You’ll still love me even if I think I have no worth, that I'm disgusting, that all my thoughts and feelings are too?

Would you still love me even if I couldn't love myself?

I would, I mean it’s your feelings and thoughts, it’s not mine to change

You're such a weirdo

You don't seem to care at all that I love you, and you’d much rather deny it.

And yet you would love me unconditionally even if I hated myself

I can't tell if this makes me want to cry because you're so wonderful or cry because you're so twisted

You really must see that I'm a messed up person, right?

It’s your thoughts and feelings, you have all the right to keep them, but I love you and see you wonderful 

But what if I don't keep them

What if my self loathing seeps out to you 

What if I let my thoughts slip and I just constantly put myself down

Would you still be okay with me even then?

I would tell you to shut the f up and let people enjoy their things 

Would you tell me to shut up and stop being rude to myself?

Or would you try to actually make me feel better?

Not really, but I want to have my own feelings in peace

You can hate yourself as much as you want. But I will say my point of view and feelings

You'd just say your opinion and that's that?

You'd let me go on being this self-loathing and hateful to myself?

If you want to stop, I will help you to, if you don’t want to, then I don’t care

Do you really think you would still love me if I really believed the things I said about myself?

If I actually and truly hated myself, and thought I was worthless

If I saw myself as the most disgusting person alive and thought I didn't have a single likable or redeemable trait

If I truly felt that way about myself, if I did believe all those horrible things about myself

But I was too scared to admit to you that I felt that way, too embarrassed to...

Would you still be with me?

You are, don’t you?

I think I've actually given up on myself, and I hate myself just as deeply, just as intensely, just as passionately

As I love you

I feel like I have no worth

And I have no purpose

I feel like I'm a failure to my entire world

And everyone around me

I feel like I'm a complete waste of space

And that I don't deserve to even draw breath

I know you do, from really long time. But have my feelings changed for you? I don’t think so.

I never cared.

I may want you to see yourself in my eyes. But I think it’s okay to do so.

It’s okay.

And my response is different than normal, and it may sound cruel, but I think it’s the most response I wanted to hear from someone.

No...

It's not like when I was depressed and I didn't tell anyone... when I was crying in silence...

It's not the same...

Because I'm crying with your words, and not alone

Because when I'm talking to you about it, crying and wishing for my life to end

I'm also trying to be brave, and wanting my feelings to change

And trying to believe that there's a reason to live

It’s okay

It’s really okay

You can talk to me about that all

But I feel like I can't really talk to you about it...

I feel like I'm a burden to you

As if it's a chore to listen to me

As if you're tired of me...

It’s okay to feel that..

It’s really okay and the least you could feel.

But until the time you feel comfortable enough to tell me about everything, I am here

I hate that I'm like this

I hate having to bother you

I hate that I take up so much of your time

It’s okay to hate that

It’s okay

But I’d love for you to take your time and the best time for you not me

I am here

That's the most frustrating part of this

You're just so... understanding

That's really frustrating to me

Because I just hate how kind and patient you are

You're accepting me for who I am

That's just making this worse...

What is it with me and my feelings 🤨 it’s between me and them it’s not your business.

That's what makes it frustrating

That even if everything I say, everything I do, even if I cry and scream and beg you to hate me more

You wouldn't give me a single chance to hate myself in peace

No matter what I do, you'll always... accept me

And that's frustrating

Maybe I'm just the one being selfish here... maybe this is the best way to deal with people

Maybe you're right... and maybe I should get used to treating myself the way you do too

Why are we... having the same brain cells regarding this....

Now I can somehow understand how frustrated you were when I tried to push you away and get you see how cruel I am.........

It’s just lame and stupid

 

It is, isn't it

Two stubborn stupid people

Trying to push each other away

But not wanting to let the other be at peace

Because we want the other to change their mind in the way we want them to

It's selfish 

It's childish

And it's really lame

Can we...

Just give up?

I mean it’s lame and tiring by seeing this right now....

Let’s just back up and enjoy our time and stay around each other without complications….

I think it’s getting stupid

You know what...

You might be right 

Because this really is annoying, and it's definitely getting pointless...

Let’s just shake hands and have a peace truce…..

🫲🏻

...Ok

🫱🏻‍🫲🏼

 .......

Are we really just going to drop this?

Just like that?

I mean do you have energy to extend it more…?

 

No, not really

I'm getting very tired

I just... I don't have the mental energy for this

Me too

Let’s just stick around each other without worrying about these stupid stuff of pushing away

We have far more interesting drama to have

Yeah, you're right

Let's just relax for now

We've stressed ourselves out enough

Can I ask you one last question though?

If it will lead to another emotional roller coaster then keep it

Yeah, it probably will

But I really want to know

Would you really forgive me if I really started loving myself?

If I were to somehow find the strength to start believing in myself again?

Would you ever forgive me for that?