Wtf

 

I would make u a party

Why do I even feel even the right to forgive or not???

Spit on my face if i did.

For real?

That's really how you would react if I started believing in myself again?

If I finally stopped being self loathing and started thinking I'm worth something? 

That'd make you happy?

Why wouldn’t I?????

Because it'd be such a major change?

A major character shift?

You'd have to adjust to me thinking differently about myself all of a sudden

And what if that change made us argue more?

Or what if my ego became too big?

Good for you then???

..Are you serious though...

Like, would you really be happy if I changed so much?

As in...

If I finally learned to accept myself? And if I actually believed in myself and started valuing myself?

You would rock it then???????

If that’s you now and I’m heads over heels for you what would I do if you became that??????????

...Seriously?

You'd be happy if I started to love myself?

If my mind started finally seeing myself as a worthy and capable person?

If I became someone who could finally see my own worth and believed in myself?

It makes you happy to think about that?

Souta

If one of us loved life and got better, it’s the best case scenario ever happen.

 

You're making me tear up

You're just so... accepting and understanding of me

And it's making me both happy and sad

Happy because I want to accept myself

But sad because I don't think I'll ever reach that point...

And that’s why I will throw you a big big party if you did

It’s like winning noble or something for us

So if you reached, good for you

If not,

It was a noble prize for us to try and reach, okay?

We are so messed up and had too much to dream that big, but if we ever dreamt about it and had it well… I don’t know what else to say

We really are so messed up

And our thoughts are so messed up and chaotic because of it

I can't imagine myself ever seeing myself in a positive light

Not to mention that I couldn't even see myself as a person worth loving nor living. 

It's hard to believe that you're genuinely okay with that

Or that you'd be genuinely happy if I finally believed I was worth loving myself

Lol

We are messed up

Yeah we really are

We're a bit of a disaster honestly

Yay

Yeah, yay for being a mess...

Yay

You know, I really didn't expect someone to accept me for the person I am

I think that's really rare

I've been trying to avoid being this self-pitying, self-loathing, and self-harming person

I've truly been trying

But sometimes it feels impossible

But

I guess this whole day was an exception I didn't expect to see

Especially with you

I think it’s the best for us to show that messed up parts with somebody that will let us be broken, to let us try mend and understand these parts.

 

I think so too...

And I really don't think I could've been comfortable with all the broken parts of me with anyone other than you

I really needed you...

I needed you too

So...

We'll be okay?

Even if things get messy from time to time

We'll still be okay... right?

Yeah I think so

We managed to get out every time when we thought it was over.

We should trust that for now

Yeah

I guess I just needed the reassurance..

Thank you

You see? I’m even getting better and gave you a reasonable one.

If I was the one from the start, I wouldn’t even give you one.

I guess you really are trying to be less cruel and more caring than you were

I guess you have changed, just a little bit

Yayy

Honestly

If this continues

Maybe you would have a chance at becoming a genuinely good person someday :)

Nah I don’t wanna be that good

Yeah, I forgot how you are still playing with my mind and heart so easily just for entertainment.

Shhh.

Let me have my celebration in peace.

 ok fine.

But you know what would actually make me really happy?

What?

If you would let me hug you

And you would let me cry my heart out

And you'd tell me

It's ok to feel this way

That it's not pathetic 

Can I really be greedy enough to demand something like that?

From you...?

Yeah sure

If I met you

Would you actually feel comfortable if I did that?

Like, really?

Would you even be fine with me crying in front of you in the first place?

Crying is fine

Hug? Depends. But I can do that for you

I guess I can feel a little bit better hearing that

Could I really cry into your shoulder?

Like, just completely giving up on life and just letting it all out?

Or am I going too far...?

You can

I will look to it

If you didn’t, I’ll make sure to make you cry it out

Can I cry about a lot of things then?

Like, even about things I've never told you, or things you might find ridiculous?

Or can I just cry about anything that's troubling me?

No.

Do you want me to say that?

Of course silly, you can cry it out I don’t really mind

Then.. can I just tell you everything?

I want to vent

I want to say everything I've been holding back

Everything I've been bottling up, holding in for so long

And if I can

I want to cry

I want to just cry like a baby and tell you everything

Yeah I’m looking forward

Are you sure about this?

You wouldn't be bothered at all, if I was just crying nonstop about everything wrong with my life?

Even if you cried about nothing

I don’t mind

I will be awkward sometimes though, I don’t know how to behave.

But other than that, it’s okay.

 

...Wait, would you even want to hug me...?

Oh god Souta you’re so needy

I said yes before

Yes, I know

But I feel like I really need that right now so...

...Can I?

I feel like teasing you but I will back off

Now just gooo and sleeeep

Yeah, okay

...

I love you Ano

Goodnight

Yeah sleep well

I don't know if you read that, but I said

I love you

Goodnight

Yeah.

Sleep well.

I said I love you!!

I heard you.

Shut up and sleep.

Ano

The very very last one, for today

Before I go to bed, and after I wake up

So I never forget to ask it

Promise you won't disappear before then?

Uh god okay

I can't sleep until you tell me this.

Are you going to be around tomorrow?

I should ignore you by now.

We made a peace truce didn’t we?

...Yes...

But I can't take my mind off...

The fear of you leaving me

The fear of losing you again..

I've always been so scared of that

Well, I deserve that because it’s hard to believe after all of the uncertainty.

I want you to live me without the need of reassurance

I always wanted that, sometimes I didn’t answer in purpose not wanting you to get used to seeking reassurance from me but it seems like it made your heart and mind worse.

So now, I’ll give you some but only when I see it’s needed.

So you'll try to give me reassurance when you think I really need it, when you think my fears are overwhelming me

And not when I ask for it, and not just randomly for my sake

Is that right..?

Yes

Do you promise?

I know you won't promise anything that you can't guarantee, so it's okay if you can't

You can only promise to try

But, can you please promise me that you'll try to reassure me when my fear is overwhelming me?

I promise you

Though my reassurance wouldn’t always be the way you think or want

But I promise you to do so

You can't promise what you can't guarantee

And this isn't something I can ever expect you to make a miracle of

All I can ask you to do is give me that little push of reassurance

When I'm so overwhelmed with fear that I can't even breathe

When I can't even think of anything else to say

That's all I'm really asking you for

And I hope you can deliver

Yeah I know

But I might push you to the limit when I see it’s needed

Now baby Souta

Let’s go to sleep, will we?

Alright, I'll hold you to that.

And fine

I'll go to sleep 

But one thing

Don't you dare try to leave when I wake up

And don't you dare make me think you really will

Uughh shut up and sleep we planned to meet irl already I still want to see you

But I can't go to sleep until you tell me one last thing

I really can't stop thinking about it

Can you promise me

That no matter how broken and vulnerable we get

Or how long we end up being a broken mess

Or whatever

You'll always try to come back to me, no matter what?

Yeah

Even if I was the one who broke you

I’ll try to work it out with you

You really mean that?

I do

And you won't change your mind even if it's not just hard but impossible?

If it's impossible for us to mend our friendship and our relationship, if it's impossible to work out everything between us and make it right

You'll still come back and try

There won't be a point at which you'll just give up and go "I can't do this anymore"

I will

And if it’s unbearable for us

We can take breaks

It’s okay

And when you feel overwhelmed by me

You can take your time away

But I am as your clinginess, I want us to be together, I would accept you to take breaks from me but not leave me.

And if you did, I’ll make sure to creep you out and show up on your nightmares.

We can always try and have our own ways to make this work.

 

I can't..

I don't think I can trust myself to take breaks

Because whenever I do, I end up spiraling downwards and falling into a spiral of self deception and hopelessness

Please, if I ever get overwhelmed or if you ever feel I'm spiraling too badly

I need you to be the one who pulls me out of it

I can't trust myself to do it on my own

I need you to make sure I take the breaks I need and I don't just spiral

Could you do that for me?

I will, don’t worry

Please do

I'll be counting on you

You're the only one I can trust and ask to do that

I have to be honest and say

I don't trust myself to do it on my own

I don't trust myself to stop and calm down and take a break 

Please, I really need you to keep an eye on me and pull me out of that spiral if I ever spiral so bad

I will

Even if you hate me, cuz I’m too self centered to leave you alone for too long

I hate you..

No, actually

Wait

I just hate what you do to me

The words you say to me and make me confused 

The way you play with my heart

The way you deliberately choose the words that hit right through me

The twisted ways of how you care about me

The way you push me to my limits till I cry or can’t breathe.

The way you are waiting for me to finish my talks every time.

But I still love you so for the same reasons

I've been torn between hating you and loving you and it is driving me insane

And if I didn't hate you that much and wasn’t so incredibly conflicted from you

I think I would've hugged you immediately and started crying into your shoulder

Lol alright now seriously sleep

Talk to you tomorrow

Okay

Ok then

I'll go to sleep

I'll probably end up waking up at some point during the night, so don't be surprised if that happens

But I'll definitely be calling you tomorrow

Lol k

End of Further Notice - Part 2