Dear Diary,

 Weeks passed since Cate's minor alcohol problem led her to cheat on me.

It's my fault, I deserve this. I'm unlovable, Michael keeps on calling me, but I won't. I can't, the unbearable pain and despair lead me into the darkness. This relationship was doomed from the start, and why does everything crumble around me? Hatred fills my veins, fuck you, Cate. I never needed you; I guess I only loved the idea of not being alone. I've lost everything to fight for; my parents died years ago, and now I've even lost Cate.

 How much longer till I lose myself?

Stop calling me. The ringing just stopped. This is all my fault- mom and dad. They died arguing, and I've survived, but at what cost? the cost of losing everything I've ever loved, just to end up alone. Aunt Jenna takes good care of me; at least one person on this earth loves me. I'm not like others; I don't deserve happiness or love. They're gone, and I'm not. God has other plans for me, which I can't unveil. My room is a total mess, and that's my fault. because everything's sometimes just too much. I just wanna run away, into the forest. screaming my lungs out, crying rivers of tears into the soil of the woods. I'm gonna head out.

Okay, some time has passed since I first entered the forest. I ran deep into the woods, screaming and crying, control ripped out of my hands. I'm fighting the demons, but they're vicious claws are grinding into my flesh. almost a year of mental torture, but it was love. I know it was. It must've meant something, right? But with all of the blooming rage writhing within me, moving on only seems like a matter of eternity. no matter how many seas I tried to split, no matter which mountain I've tried to move. I'd remain the same, going through the motions each day, same bland food. wrinkled clothes, and electrified hair. And there she is, life only seeming like golden sunshine on a Saturday morning. Why would anyone choose to love me when my reflection doesn't wanna look back at me? This forest understands me, sometimes running into the embrace of the ocean of trees, just feels better than everything else. Perhaps she was right; possibly I don't deserve love like anyone else.

 Maybe, I'm nothing but a pawn waiting to be sacrificed in an operation greater than my worth. Who am I? Jenna told me about a gift Cate left for me. I hid it under my bed, hoping that the memories of it would soon fade into obscurity. Sometimes, crippling thoughts and memories of my parents fade into my brain. I've lost so much, and yet here I am-lost. I just want someone, someone I can trust. maybe even love, however, that's something I haven't felt for a while. Guess I'm writing down my useless thoughts into this diary. The purpose of it is unknown to me. It's hard to see colors in a painting of colorful flower fields. After all, it's nothing but a project of colors, colors that have no meaning. I envy happy people; their lives seem so much easier than mine, filled with grief and sadness.

 I'm drowning, but no one's here to help me. It's all my fault, everything. Sometimes my courage is barely enough to visit the bridge. Then it replays itself, screams of terror and panic, praying for god to help them. But help was too late. The car swerves off the bridge, crashing through the barricades. The white airbag strikes my face as we crash into the river. With a special tool, I destroyed the only window hindering my escape. It shatters, flying into the water. Fire and smoke surround me. I did it. God has given me another shot at life, but at what cost? The cracks of my phone stared back at me as I dialed 911. minutes of terrifying silence, waiting for emergency services to arrive. The distant wailing of sirens breaks the silence; the fire department sent one truck out, accompanied by the ambulance. Suddenly, a woman approached me, "Sweetie, are you okay?" I was just a kid, "I-I," the words died on my tongue, no power left within me.

 "I-I, why me?" Suddenly, she envelopes me, her arms holding me tight. "Oh dear lord, I'm so sorry for you." Tears paint her shirt, as our hug only grows stronger. "Sweetie, I need you to call someone, your aunt, perhaps." With every ounce of my power, I called my aunt. But once she accepted the call, my tongue went numb and I couldn't fight it. "Talk to her, please." Without hesitation, she gently grabbed my phone, now talking with my aunt. Then my knees hit the ground as the palms of my hands buried my face. tears falling through the cracks. I rolled onto my back when everything suddenly went dark. I must've passed out from exhaustion, then I found myself in the back of an ambulance. My aunt caresses my head as tears swell up in her eyes. With every fiber and will in my body, I ounce my last words before everything went dark again. "They're gone."

I woke up in a hospital bed, dried blood climbing down my head, as a striking hit of pain hits me. "Mom and Dad, where are they?" The doctors share concerned looks with my aunt and the woman from before. "We never recovered their bodies." That day will forever haunt me to my core. I never knew people could disappear without any trace of their location. For months and years, we would search for their remains, luck leaving us behind. search parties would eventually get canceled, leaving us with nothing but despair and pain. never really knew what happened to them; usually, you would think their bodies would wash up on shore. some trace, evidence. Guess not everyone's, meant to be found. I've been staying with Aunt Jenna for the last months, and I'll stay here. After all, it's my only resemblance of a home. Mom and Jenna's relationship was as strong as a tsunami's wave.

 nothing would strain their relationship, let alone tear them apart. Jenna loves sunflowers; I used to think it was ridiculous, but I guess I'm just envious of her happiness. Friends and family keep me going; they're my reason for the fight left within me. Thank you, Jenna, for everything you have done. I'll return home, I promise. But right now, I need my own time to figure things out. Don't you worry about me, I know you do. I'll call her, let her know. before pages of missing posters start to gather. Where do I go? Anywhere but here. where everything's too much for me to bear. There's an abandoned cabin nearby. I think I'll crash there for the night, then I'll head to a friend's house. 

Days have passed, and they've accepted me into their embrace. told me, I'm welcome to stay. The millers always treated me as one of their own. almost like her 2nd son of 1 and her daughter. I'll head back in a week. Jenna's worried sick even though she knows about my whereabouts. But why do I feel like a liminal space, vacant? authorities told us there were no signs of foul play, just another tragic accident. Perplexion clouds my mind as tragedy follows my every step. When will it stop?