He opened his eyes slowly, his entire body aching. Ferris slowly looked around. He was…outside? Ferris sat up and felt the grass between his fingers. It felt real. What the…? He looked around, but everything was blurry and felt slow. He could see so many colors, but mostly blue and red. His heart dropped. No…not this again.

Slowly, Ferris got up and tried to get a better look but he could not move from where he was. Something was holding him down, restraining him. He tried to blink himself awake. It had to be fake, there was no way it was real. None of it was real, he just needed to wake up. Ferris turned his head rapidly, trying to find anyone to help him. There were so many noises, so many sirens, and voices. The noises were slowly getting louder and he covered his ears, but they only became deafening in his mind. 

"Stop it!" He shut his eyes. "Go away!"

"Ferris!"

He immediately opened his eyes at the sound of a familiar voice. A frightening voice. As soon as he looked up he was greeted by a similar pair of brown eyes. Ferris wanted to run, but he was stuck. Those eyes were burning into his skull with so much hatred and anger. 

"Ferris!"

He shook his head. "No! Stop it!"

"That bitch deserved it!"

Ferris covered his ears again. "Shut up!"

"She had it coming!"

"I said shut up!" He tried to block out the voice.

"You damned ungrateful brat!"

He closed his eyes, but those brown eyes were imprinted in his mind. "Stop it! Leave me alone!" Ferris finally broke free and ran away as fast as he could, his eyes still shut and his ears still covered. As he ran those eyes were still staring back at him and that voice followed close behind.  

Ferris tried to run faster but he stumbled over his feet. He tripped and fell on his stomach. He was unphased by the fall, but he had fallen on top of something. He slowly opened his eyes and found himself on top of a body bag. His eyes widened with fear. "No…no, no no, no…" He tried to get away, but the body followed him. "Stop! Go away!" Ferris tried to push it away only to see his hands drenched in a crimson liquid. He screamed, but his voice was gone. Ferris curled up on the grass and tried to hide, but the body, the eyes, and the voice were circling him like sharks. 

"Ferris!"

Ferris's eyes shot open and he lunged out of his bed. He was gasping for air and there was sweat beading down his forehead. He fell out of bed and stumbled on the floor. He felt the carpet against his hand and realized he was awake. He sat down against his bed and stared at the ceiling. He slid his hands up and down against the carpet trying to convince himself that it was over. He glanced out the window, it was dark but the only color he saw was black. As he looked around his room he stopped at the mirror. He stared at his brown eyes and froze. His gut churned and he felt sick. Ferris quickly got up trying to avoid his reflection.

He staggered to the door and as he opened it he was met by a familiar pair of green eyes. Ferris gazed into them for a while before muttering, "Wynona?"

She looked at him, her eyes widened. "Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost." She walked into the room, closing the door behind her. She grabbed Ferris's hand and led him back to the bed.

Ferris sat down and turned to her. "Why are you still here?"

"Ferris, you freaked out. I wasn't just going to leave you alone." She smiled gently. "How do you feel?"

He wanted to say he was fine. He wanted to assure her that what happened was just him being dramatic. That there was nothing wrong. That everything was perfectly fine. That was what he always said, because that was what it meant to be a man. He needed to be a man, but he was stuck. He did not want to lie anymore, not to Wynona. "I–" It was hard to get the words out. Just the thought of it made him sick to his stomach. If he said the words then he was acting like a girl. If he found out he said those words he would be angry. Everything inside of him was telling him to man up and shut up, but he could not handle another lie. "I'm not okay."

Wynona was quiet, but her gentle gaze did not change.

"I…" He looked down at his clammy hands. "I can't go back, Wynona. I can't go back. If I go back, he'll–he's going to…" Ferris grabbed his hair and closed his eyes trying to calm himself down.

"Ferris, slow down." She placed her hand on his shoulder. "Go back where?"

He took a deep breath and dropped his hands at his side. "I can't go back to the prison."

"The prison?" She asked, letting go of his shoulder.

Ferris slowly nodded. There was a choking feeling in his throat trying to stop him, but he fought back. "My dad's there…I–I can't see him, Wynona."

Wynona placed her hands on Ferris's cheeks and made him look at her. "Why not?"

Looking into Wynona's subtle green eyes brought a wave of calmness over Ferris. A feeling he desperately needed. "He's terrible, Wyn. Every time I've seen him he says things that make my skin crawl. He's so explosive and–and terrifying."

"What…does he say?" 

Ferris knew each and every word by heart. He moved her hands and turned away. "That bitch deserved it… And she had it coming… You'll be a man because of me… You good for nothing brat… Don't act like a girl… Man up… This is why you're a no good piece of…" Saying them out loud only brought back more memories. All the arguments, the screaming, the threats. Ferris shuddered at the thought.

"He says all those things to you?" Wynona asked.

He nodded. "He has his favorites."

Wynona grabbed Ferris's hand and squeezed it gently. "The last time you saw him was four years ago, right? Did you stop seeing him because of that?"

Ferris was quiet for a while. He wanted to be honest, but the conversation was going in a direction that made him want to throw up. But he wanted Wynona to know and that was enough to conquer his feelings. "He threatened me, which wasn't a first, but it was different from others."

"What do you mean?"

Ferris looked down at Wynona's hand. "Usually, he would threaten to kill himself to scare me into coming back. I mean, he's my father, and I was a stupid kid. A part of me still cared for him and he would tell me things to make me feel guilty. He'd tell me that I'd have his blood on my hands. That I was just as bad as him if not worse. If that didn't work then he would tell me about how running away made me a sissy. That I needed to man up and shut up." He paused and took a moment to let the treacherous feeling pass. It was like a heavy wave that drowned him. Once the feeling passed he continued, "I had talked to Cole about it. He had convinced me to speak up. So the next time I went I told him I didn't want to go back. I–I told him I never wanted to see him again. It was more scary than relieving." He could almost see it in his mind. Those brown eyes glaring at him. "He got really angry and instead of threatening to kill himself he threatened to kill me." Ferris could almost feel his rough hands grabbing him by his shoulders again. Their painful grip that would not let go. "He went into so much detail I believed him. I guess he thought it would scare me into coming back, but it only made me want to get away further. I couldn't go back after that. I was so sure that if I did he would…"

"What? The guards don't do anything?" She asked, anger rising in her voice.

Ferris shrugged. "My father is a master at manipulation. Everyone thinks he's a saint…even Nonna after everything."

"Ferris," Wynona was quiet for a moment, thinking. "Can I know why he's in prison? What did he do?"

"He–" Ferris lost his voice suddenly. He had not talked about it in so long he forgot how to. In fact, he had forgotten a lot about what had happened, but he had a brief idea. "He–" He closed his eyes, feeling his heart begin to race. That wave drowning him one more time, taking longer to subside. "My dad, he–" He wrapped his arms around himself and squeezed his sides. He wanted to rip off his skin just to get away. He shut his eyes and held his breath as if he would pop if he breathed.

Wynona quickly hugged Ferris, pulling his head against her chest. "Take your time."

Ferris breathed in her scent and the feeling began to subside. "He killed her." The words slipped from his lips and Ferris's heart broke as if he had heard it for the first time. "He killed my…mother."

He heard Wynona gasp quietly, but she did not say anything.

Ferris hugged Wynona tightly, hiding his face in her embrace. "I–I can't go back."

"Why–Why would your grandmother–"

"Because," Ferris cut her off. "He pulls this act out of his ass and makes her think he's better. She's so desperate for him to change. For him to be a good father…"

She was silent for a moment. "That–That's not right, Ferris. Regardless of her reasoning. It's wrong. Why don't you tell her what he's done?"

"I–" He could not tell her the reason. Then I'm not a man. "I just can't." Ferris looked down at his lap, humiliated. "She's going to make me go."

"What if," Wynona pulled away from Ferris and moved her hands onto his cheeks. "What if I went with you?"

"What?" Ferris frantically shook his head. "No, I–I can't ask you to do that, Wynona. This has nothing to do with you." He could not get her involved. He did not want her to see the other half of what makes him who he is. What would she think of him then?

Wynona smiled gently and briefly kissed Ferris. "I know, but I want to be there for you. Let me be there."

Ferris shook his head. "What if you–" He caught himself.

"What if I what?" She asked.

"What if," Ferris felt his chest ache from the anxiety. "What if you think I'm like him? Or you think he's right? That I'm nothing– That I'm an ungrateful…" He trailed off.

Wynona almost laughed. "Ferris, are you crazy? I would never compare you to someone like him. I'd definitely never believe a word he says about you. He has no idea how amazing you are."

"He's my dad, half of him is me, Wyn." Ferris moved her hands away from him. "Half of me is just as bad as him."

"Ferris, is this why you don't like your brown eyes?" She asked.

He did not say anything.

Wynona hugged Ferris again, tighter than before. "I'm going. I promise you, I will never for a second think you're anything like him."

Ferris hugged her back. He still did not want her to go, but he was tired of arguing. He just wanted to disappear, but he also knew he needed to face this. He needed to man up and shut up, regardless of the fear or the comfort Wynona had to offer. He wanted to believe every word she told him, but they only came out as sweet nothings. Ferris could not shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen. He needed to protect her from him, but how could he when he could barely protect himself?