Nurse Hayden turned back to the IV stand. Her ghostly image in the shiny glass reached up to subtly dab at the corner of her eye before she turned back to Evelyn with a smile. She placed a familiar switch in Evelyn’s hand, giving it a gentle pat as she closed her fingers around it—right on top of the taped IV. Evelyn clenched her jaw harder to avoid an obvious flinch. “I've given you some more cough suppressant and adjusted the pain meds drip. You know how to work it, right?”

If I didn't by now, I'd have to be brain dead, too.

“Yes. Thank you.” She tried her hardest to give Hayden a reassuring smile, one that would say ‘ I’m fine, I’ve made my peace, I’m going to a better place!’ rather than ‘ would you please leave already? thanks!’

It didn’t work. Hayden still hesitated, shifting her weight. She chewed on her bubblegum-pink lip. She hadn’t been working long enough to stop bothering with makeup, although her hair was now pulled back in a plain ponytail instead of the stylish curls Evelyn had first seen her wearing. “I mean... if you like, I can stay. My shift—”

“No thank you. I'd like to be alone now.” Evelyn reaffirmed, staring out the window. Her jaw felt too tired to clench any more. “Could you turn off the light and close the door too, please? I'd like to see the snow, if it happens.”

“O...of course.” Hayden flashed another strained smile under a pinched brow as she lightly tapped Evelyn’s hand again, then turned to leave, her lashes fluttering rapidly. She walked to the privacy curtain and hit the lights again, pausing to look back as they slowly dimmed. “Goodnight, Miss Barraster.”

“Goodbye,” Evelyn answered without turning around. Hayden’s pale reflection gave one more wavering smile as she turned away, closing the door behind herself. Evelyn let out a long, rasping breath of relief that turned into a slight cough.

Finally. Peace!— Wait, nope, the nurses are talking in the hallway. Ugh, couldn’t they have their little meeting somewhere else?

“She really doesn't have anyone ?” It was clearly Hayden, sounding distraught. She gave a loud sniffle, and another nurse made a soothing sound.

“No, not a soul, poor thing. Not a single visitor the entire time she's been here. I used to work in the general ward, and she was one of our frequent fliers there, too.” Evelyn could recognize the voice now, it was Beth, the experienced nurse who had probably started out like Hayden long ago. She’d always appreciated her no-nonsense attitude, and the way she never lingered or made small talk once she realized Evelyn didn’t care to.

A sharp voice cut in. “ ‘Poor thing’? I've never even seen her smile. It's not too surprising.”

“ Megan ! Don't say something like that!” Hayden scolded the other woman. Evelyn felt her nose wrinkle in annoyance. The few times Megan had checked on Evelyn, she’d always pursed her lips tightly in a doubtful expression, as if Evelyn was clearly lying about the amount of pain she was in. She’d constantly given her lower-than-prescribed doses that were barely sufficient to take the edge off. Evelyn rolled her eyes at the memory.

Like it would matter if I got addicted now…

“Why not? I know you newbies always pretend the terminal patients are these—these ‘ pre-angels,’ oh-so-close to heaven, but you’ll learn soon enough that if they have nobody with them, there's certainly good reason for it.”

“ Megan !”

Evelyn could picture Megan throwing up her hands in a dismissive motion, the same way she had when the head nurse had scolded her for the incorrect doses. “I'm just saying it straight! You can make believe if you like, but I've been in this field twenty-five years and can count the patients I miss on one hand. She won’t be one of them.”

Beth interrupted, clearly trying to mollify the situation. “Even so, she's only twenty seven. It’s always sad to see a young life cut short.”

“I offered to stay, but…”

“Don’t know what kind of life it would be with that kind of body,” Megan gave a loud sniff as she spoke over Hayden. “She’s probably glad to be done with it all.”

Hayden made a choked noise, and Evelyn heard footsteps hurrying away. Beth let out a loud sigh.

“Megan, you’ve got to stop talking to the new nurses like that. You’re going to make her quit.”

“If she can’t cut it, there’s always more willing to do the tough work,” Megan said in a haughty tone. 

Beth sighed again, and it seemed they were finally walking away. Evelyn could no longer hear their conversation, but it seemed like it had turned towards staffing issues.

Evelyn rubbed the back of her wrist over her eyes. It was so annoying that they were watering.

Geez… it’s one thing to be shitty to me, but Hayden didn’t deserve that. She’s probably going to be a great nurse someday, like Beth.

But… Megan’s probably right. I've always been unkind when I'm in pain, and I'm always in pain, so no wonder no one wanted to stay with me. I’m surprised I wasn’t kicked out of that Harmony chat or the G&G group, but I was extra careful this time to not let them know I was sick. That probably kept me likable enough, I guess. That, and I played the roles nobody else wanted, anyways.

A noise interrupted her thoughts. It was a soft creak, then a clicking noise, and she realized it was the door opening and shutting. The privacy curtain didn’t move, and she didn’t see feet underneath the hem. She frowned.

Did she change her mind? I didn’t hear anyone approach, but maybe it’s just air pressure? I guess she didn’t close it tightly. Kinda weird that’s never happened before.

She turned back to the window. Remembering Hayden’s ghostly reflection made a sardonic smile tug at the corners of her lips.

Unless it’s the Angel of Death coming for me, of course. Doubt it, though. All of that’s just make believe… even more imaginary than me actually being a desirable person to be around.

I’m glad I don’t believe in ghosts. If I had to haunt this hospital… ugh, that would be literal hell.

She let out another rasping sigh and laid back on the bed. She stared up at the ceiling. The dots were still dots, not stars, now barely visible in the darkness. She turned her head back to the window. It was growing difficult to lift it, so she stared through the safety bars at the dark sky. There wasn’t a single snowflake to be seen.

Her mind drifted back to the Harmony chat.

I wonder what they'll think happened to me. I probably should have said something… but why distress them for no reason? The youngest member was only like sixteen. They probably don’t want to think about anyone dying at that age. I remember being really scared to die back then. I might still be now, but…

It’s no use thinking about any of that. Maybe saying something would’ve just got me booted for killing the vibes. They did kick that one girl for sharing political stuff. It was better to just ghost. Well, almost literally ghost.

She didn’t laugh at her own joke. Blinking seemed to take longer now. She wearily lifted her hand to wipe at the tears forming in the corner of her eyes. It felt heavy.

It can’t be much longer, now. Come on, snow!

Evelyn felt around for another cord looped around the bed rails. Once found, she pushed a different button, and with a low hum, the head of the bed began to raise. She gave a weak cough as she settled into a sitting position, slumping against the mattress and blinking tiredly again. Far away, she could dimly see a line of trees faintly lit by streetlights, their autumn colors bold against the dark sky.

“Come on, snow already,” she whispered, out loud this time.

I wish I could've died outside. I would have felt like… like I was going somewhere better, then, like I really was rejoining the earth and all that stuff the counselor spoke about. Feeling fresh air, and seeing trees and grass and maybe even birds… it would have been really nice.

She looked at the plastic switch in her hand, running her thumb over the smooth plastic.

Should I take another dose now?

No, I think I’ll wait to see if it starts to snow. I’ve heard they give dying patients extra strong doses to ease things along faster, and if there’s even a slim chance… I want to be here for it. Seeing something beautiful as a goodbye from the world… That would be so nice.

She rubbed her wrist over her eyes again, wincing as she bumped the IV point in her hand.

At least... it's not going to hurt anymore. Thanks, opioids!

Again, she didn’t even smile at her sarcasm. Her eyes wouldn’t stop watering.

It just—it sucks so much , to die after such a short, wasted life, making no impact on anyone or anything—

“I can fix you.”