Chapter 1- A Brain and An Athlete

1.1 Elliot- 1

To say I’m dreading today would be the understatement of the century. As we’re driving to school, I’m just focusing on the mundane scenery outside the car window, trying to avoid eye contact with my mum, my sister Dani and my own reflection in the car wing mirror. I suppose no one really likes going back to school after a long summer break or in my case very long summer break. It’s a long story, one that I don’t want to tell or relive. I can feel my mum’s eyes on the back of my head now. She’s alternating between looking at the road and me. Any second now she’ll ask me how I am or reassure me about today.

“Remember if you have any problems you can go straight to Mrs Carter.”

I don’t really hear her at first. My eyes are locked in on the view outside.The houses are looking more familiar. We’re almost there.

“Elliot?” my mum says, slightly more worried. 

“Yeah, I know.” I respond, not wanting my mum to make a fuss. That familiar gate is in sight and my stomach fills with dread. I’ve got techniques to control my breathing but it doesn’t make the anxiety disappear completely. Guess I'll have to postpone an anxiety attack until later. Before I can fully register it, we’re pulling into the Sixth Form car park. It’s much quieter than the secondary school car park and closer to the side entrance. Plus I’m less likely to run into anyone who knows me straight away. As soon as the car stops, I grab my bag and crutch before mum has a chance to help or do it for me. 

“Have you got everything you need?” my mum asks, trying to fill the void of conversation. It seems the last few months no one is saying what they really think. I know what my mum really wants to ask is “are you sure you’re ready for this? Is your mental health really okay? Are you still thinking about suicide?” 

“Yes, this isn’t my first day!” I say trying not to snap while escaping the car as fast as possible. 

My mum gets out too. She opens the back door and pulls the ramp down to help Dani out of the car. I’m tempted to just walk into school now without even saying goodbye to give Dani and mum some time together. My mum’s been so overly worried about me that I don't think she’s even noticed the new strand of purple that Dani has in her hair.

“Remember what I said, you can always call me if you need anything.” she says, trying to hide her worried voice. 

“Mum it’s gonna be fine stop fussing!” Dani says, taking the words right out of my mouth. She pushes her wheelchair ahead of me eager to get to the entrance. 

“Bye mum!”

“Bye love!”

My legs don’t want to follow her but I have to, for my family’s sake. I wave goodbye to mum. “See you later.” I say before turning towards the side gate. 

“Have a good day!” Mum shouts as a final bit of reassurance. I’m not a psychic but I know for certain that this will not be a good day.

Dani and I walk alongside each other in an eerily quiet area of the school grounds. It feels like the calm before the storm.

“You know you’re getting into trouble as soon as someone notices the purple right?” I remark. She seems to have gone into this rebellious phase these past few months. 

“If the school’s biggest problem is a bit of purple hair then it says a lot more about them than me!” she argues. I won’t tell her but she does have a point. 

We reach the entrance at the side of the school. “Go and find Leo and Sofia, I’ll be fine.” I say to Dani. If I don't, I know she’ll follow me to my form room. “You sure you’ll be alright?” 

“Yeah, like you said most people are stupid. Why should I care what they think.” 

Dani nods approvingly before heading inside. I hated that sentiment. I think if people were more honest with themselves, they'd admit that what people think matters a great deal to them and they just don’t want to admit it.

I open the door and after a deep breath I finally walk through. Those familiar school smells of books, pencil shavings, energy drinks and odor warp my mind back in time briefly. The sound of a herd of teenagers is getting louder as I make my way down the corridor. It gives me this heavy feeling of dread as if my bag is full of rocks. I can already hear teachers raising their voices and it’s not even 9am yet. It’s definitely September again.

“Year 8 and year 9 assembly in hall one!” yells one teacher, his voice echoing from a distance. 

As usual, I stare down at the ground trying to avoid eye contact with anyone, which hasn’t done wonders for my posture surprisingly. With every new school year comes new year 7s, the youngest year group. The younger ones are always the most curious and the worst at hiding it. I guess if the roles were reversed I’d be curious about me too. My face has some scarring on my nose and upper lip from surgeries throughout my life. My eyes are annoyingly far apart. My nose is almost flat and very asymmetrical. I have difficulty balancing and walking which is why I have to use a crutch on my right side. To top it all off, I was blessed with a head of bright red curly hair because I guess the universe thought I didn’t stand out enough. Some lads in year 10, my year group, are just ahead of me. They start sniggering as I walk past. I’m not bothered by what people think about my appearance. I’d say I’m immune to it by now. But that’s not what those lads were talking about as I walked past. 

Room 43 is my form room and I’m glad to finally see it. Mr Green, my form tutor, is his usual overly cheery self. He gives me a wave through the door window as I’m about to walk in. 

“Elliot! It’s great to have you back! Do you wanna take a seat here? I just wanna have a quick chat with you.” 

Great. I’m sat right at the front in the middle row. Completely exposed. I can only imagine what he’s about to say. Mr Green kneels down in front of my table “It’s so good to have you back” he says reassuringly.

“Thanks” I awkwardly respond.

“Now I know that you spoke to Mrs Carter and you know you can go to her if ever you have a problem. But if ever you can’t find her you can always come and find me I’ll sort it, yeah?” I can tell people are eavesdropping on our conversation so I smile and nod in response hoping to end it. 

“Oh also, Mrs Carter would like to have a meeting with you this morning in period 3. Just head to her office straight after break, yeah?”

“Yes sir.” I say still smiling to look agreeable. 

Mr Green smiles back proudly at me as if to say, ‘I’m great at talking to depressed teenagers!’ “Cool beans” he actually says before standing up to address the rest of the form room. People are still sniggering behind me. I can still hear them even though Mr Green is speaking. Maybe I’m just sick of once again being reminded that we are in year 10, about to start our GCSEs and this is when things get real.