Freezing coldness settled in my stomach when I fully understood just how close I’d been to ruining my brother’s life. As I followed Zach past the crumbling buildings, wildflower fields, and rusted piles of crap, I couldn’t stop picturing my brother all alone in this world with no idea what happened to me… He couldn’t even take care of himself… He’d be wandering around, searching for me… Or he’d believe I had abandoned him…

Oh lord… my heart hurt… What would’ve happened to him…? Without me to take care of him and protect him…?

When Zach finally stopped, we were deep in the looters’ territory. He turned off his engine, so I followed his example. He looked pale when he pulled his helmet off and turned to stare at me with wide eyes.

“Holy shit, that was close,” he said, his voice higher than normal.

“How did they find us?” I asked.

He shook his head. “I, uh… I think one of the bags was a trap. They must’ve planted a tracker or something…”

That girl!

“It was in the last bag I stole!” I coughed.

“You sure?”

I nodded frantically. “She gave up way too easily. She wasn’t even… She didn’t even try to get it back…”

He stared at me, then nodded, and shook himself a little. “Doesn’t matter. We got away. We’re safe now. They won’t bother to try to get us from here. Now we just lie low for a while. They’re probably waiting for us by the fences.”

“For a while…?” I repeated. “What do you mean?”

“They’ll probably give up in an hour or two,” he said, and got off his bike.

“I can’t wait that long! I promised–!”

“Well, you can always go back and ask nicely if they could just not arrest you,” he told me with a snort.

I stared at him.

Alex…

I just wanted to go back to him… I wanted to make sure he was all right… I never wanted to leave him all alone ever again… I had to be with him and protect him. He was supposed to be my top priority! My only priority!

Not… Not this… What was I thinking…

He didn’t have a family because of me. He was homeless and in constant pain and hungry and cold and wet, and I was the only person he had left in this world…

If I’d gotten caught now…

“I just want to go home,” I told Zach.

“Well that isn’t happening anytime soon,” he told me harshly, then paused to give a stern look. “Listen. Shit like this happens all the time. We got away. That’s why we have these bikes, because they can’t follow us everywhere. That’s why I made you follow me so I can make sure we can get away if something happens. I know these streets. I’ve never gotten caught. So. Just breathe, goddammit, and relax. We’re fine. We just have to wait for them to give up, then we can go back home, all right?”

Again, I could only stare at him. That freezing touch in my heart only grew worse…

“This is what we have to do for our country,” he said, his voice only a little kinder now. “We are risking our lives every day for this country. I thought you had it in you… I thought you really cared about making things right again, but if you’ve changed your mind… If you’re fine with them destroying our beautiful home until there’s nothing left of it…”

He reached for my helmet. I stared at his hand.

And I pulled the helmet away from him.

“Of course I care,” I snapped at him. “Of course I still want to help.”

“Good,” he said. “But you really have to work on your nerves. This isn’t always fun and games. We’re at war. Those cops are our enemies. They will keep trying to stop us, but we are smarter than them. We’re always smarter than them. We won’t get caught if you just keep your head cool.”

I took a few deep breaths, then nodded. “Right… Right…”

“We cool now?” he asked.

“Yeah… Sorry…” I mumbled, feeling ashamed now for freaking out like that.

“It’s fine,” he said, then sighed. “We’ll just wait for an hour or two, then head back. And this was a good lesson. If someone gives up their bags easily like that, you just throw them away, got it?”

“Got it,” I said with a nod.

And then we waited. I hated it. I just wanted to go back to my brother. I needed to see him as soon as possible. I needed to sit with him and ask him about his drawings and clean his wounds and make sure he ate before going to bed. I needed to be by his side… I needed him by my side.

I almost lost him today… He was the only person I had left in this world…

We didn’t really talk much while we waited. We just listened to the sounds around us, partly expecting the cops to come after us on foot. They never came. Then, finally, Zach decided it was safe to get going.

We tried to be careful when we drove to the fences as far away from the spot where we got in. I wanted to turn off our bikes and push them the rest of the way so we wouldn’t alert anyone, but I guess they would’ve heard us coming miles away, anyway. The bikes were so goddamn loud, and this abandoned looter kingdom was dead silent, so there was no point in stopping now.

I was a little surprised to see the street behind the fence was empty. We found a hole in the fence and carefully made our way through. As soon as we both got past the gap, we continued driving without looking back. No one followed us. No one paid any attention to us. I guess the cops had better things to do than wait around for the two of us.

I was glad about that. We made it back to Zach’s place and hid the bikes behind two large dumpsters in the alley. I gave my helmet to Zach and said a short goodbye, but he stopped me from leaving.

“We’re all good?” he asked. “I’ll see you on Friday night, right?”

I stared at him for a brief second.

“Yeah…” I said, that frozen hand around my guts growing stronger. “I’ll be here Friday night.”

“Good. Get some rest,” he told me, then left.

I didn’t waste another second there. I hurried all the way back home as fast as I could. That icy grip on me wasn’t fading, and I knew it wouldn’t fade until I got to see my brother. I really, really needed to see him… I still feared the cops would ambush me and take me away so I could never see Alex again, but no one jumped me.

I reached the grocery store and hurried in, then made my hasty way to our hut.

“Alex? Alex! You still awake?” I asked as I dropped down on my knees to crawl into the hut, but to my horror, it was empty. “Alex?!”

It was so late… Was he still outside? I hurried to the main entrance and stepped out, but the yard was empty. The campfire was already extinguished.

“Alex?!”

“Josh! There you are…!”

I sprung around to see Helga making her way to me.

“Where’s Alex?” I asked her.

“He’s out there looking for you!” she said. “We all got so worried when you didn’t come back home. He insisted on going to look for you.”

I groaned as fear and panic and that freezing hold of my insides grew…

“Why would you let him go! He’s injured! Where is he? How long has he been gone? Is he alone?”

“He’s with Simon and the boys. They said they’ll go look for you at that pizza place you always–”

I left running without letting her finish her sentence.

Alex was at Lorenzo’s… He was with Simon… He was fine… He was all right… He was safe… Why couldn’t I get rid of my fear and panic…? I really needed to see him… My baby brother…

My only family…

I kept my eyes and ears open as I ran all the way to Lorenzo’s, hoping to spot Alex on my way there, but I soon reached the pizzeria without seeing a glimpse of him… My heart raced so fast when I grabbed the handle and yanked the door open… I feared he wouldn’t be here, either…

I feared I’d lost him forever…

“Alex?!” I shouted before I even rushed in through the door.

And right after I stepped in, I froze to take in the scene.

Lorenzo stood in the middle of his restaurant, giving me a look that I didn’t really give a damn about at that very moment. Then I spotted Simon behind one of the tables, his friends sitting nearby.

I saw Alex’s back and blond hair… but he didn’t turn to me…

“Alex! I was so worried!” I gasped and hurried past Lorenzo to get to my brother. But Alex didn’t look up at me. “Alex…?”

“Where were you?” he asked.

“Where was I? Where were you? I got home and our hut was empty! You scared the crap out of me! I thought something happened to you!” I said, trying to change the subject, but he wouldn’t let me.

“Where were you?” he asked again.

He was drawing something. He didn’t even lift his pen off the paper. Why wasn’t he looking at me…?

“I was… I was seeing an old friend,” I said and stepped in front of him, but he still didn’t look up at me. “Hey? What’s the matter?”

“You said you were going to help Lorenzo today,” Alex said, his voice quiet and monotone. “That’s why I came here…”

“O-oh… Yeah, I changed my mind,” I said, trying to keep my voice light. But that ice inside me… “Hey? Why don’t we go back home, and I’ll tell you where I was, okay? I got a little lost on my way back, so it took a little longer than–”

“Why do you keep lying to me?” he asked, his voice still empty of all emotions.

“I… I’m not. I went to see a friend, and–”

“Zach, isn’t it?” Alex asked. “But he’s not an old friend, right?”

“I… I… I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I stammered, feeling everyone’s eyes on me as they watched me in silence. “Look… Let’s just go home, okay? I’ll explain everything.”

I just wanted to go home and spend time with him… But he wouldn’t even look at me…

It hurt so much…

“Josh…” Simon suddenly said, his voice quiet. “We know you’ve started hanging out with Zach. We know you’ve lied to everyone about where you’ve been. I asked my buddies to keep an eye on you, and–”

“Why?” I spat at him, my fear and panic turning into anger. “It’s none of your damn business what I do!”

“Yes, it is,” he said, his voice calm. “I told you I believed Zach has something to do with True Order, and you still–”

“It’s none of your fucking business!” I growled in his face, then turned to Alex. “Come. We’re going home. Now.”

I grabbed him by his arm, but he pulled it away and finally faced me. His eyes were angry, too.

“True Order?” he asked me, his voice harsh, but fearful. “Why would you want to have anything to do with someone who supports terrorists?”

“We’re going home,” I repeated. “I’ll explain everything to you, but we’re–”

“I’m not going anywhere with you unless you promise you’ll stop seeing that… that… terrorist!”

I froze to stare at him. He had never shouted at me like that. He’d never gotten angry at me like that. And that… I wished I could’ve kept my mouth shut, but after spending the last couple of hours in fear and panic… I lost it…

“I’m trying to help him save this country!” I shouted back at him. “Don’t you see what the governor and the army and the mafia and those fucking omegas are doing to our country, huh?! Don’t you understand why True Order has to fight?! We’re trying to make this world a better place! A safe place! I’m trying to give you a good future! A home! I want to give you your own damn art gallery! But I can’t give you any of that unless I do something to help True Order to get this country back from those fucking bastards who keep trying to ruin it!”

I snapped my mouth shut way too late… They all stared at me in disbelief and horror, like I’d said something disgusting.

Alex breathed out, gritting his teeth together. I saw tears in his eyes… They were angry tears…

“I’m not going anywhere with you,” he told me, his voice muffled. “I never…” he paused to swallow his emotions. “I never thought you could support them. They are terrorists, Josh. They are the ones destroying our country. You are the one destroying our country.”

I knew he’d say something like this if he ever found out… I knew he was so brainwashed…

But it still hurt so much…

“So…?” I tried to ask him a question, but I was choking…

“Get away from me,” Alex told me.

I stared at him until he turned his back on me and continued drawing like I wasn’t there anymore…

Like I wasn’t his big brother anymore…

“Josh…” Simon said gently and stood up to take a hold of my hand, but I yanked it away from him, and stepped back to stare at Alex. But Simon wasn’t done with me… “Josh. Let’s just talk, okay? I don’t know why you feel the way you do, but let me–”

My ears were ringing so loud I couldn’t hear him any longer. I just stared at my brother. My baby brother… The only person I had left in this world…

I couldn’t breathe…

I had to leave…

…and I didn’t look back.