Chapter 13.2: Certified Useless Driver

Next Day – Victory Feast

Kaiser sat in his favorite fast-food place, eyes glowing like he’d just been released from prison.

Piles of food towered in front of him—burgers with extra cheese, fries with extra salt, pizza dripping with grease, milkshakes drowning in whipped cream—anything he could afford.

He devoured it like a man possessed.
“MMMMMMFFFF—” he sobbed. “It’s… so delicious…”

Across the table, Kai facepalmed.

People in the restaurant stared in horror.

“Did he just get dumped?”
“Was he homeless?”
“Is he okay?”
“Why is he crying into the ketchup?”

Kai sighed.
“Kaiser, for the last time—behave like a human and eat slowly. You’re making yourself look bad! And stop eating like a pig!”

Mouth full of fries, Kaiser sniffled,
“Buu’ buh waiterrr said he’d take my food…”

“He meant clearing the tray. Not stealing it. Someone help this creature.”

Kai groaned. “And after this, don't we’re getting you a scooter. Transportation has become a nightmare as you said yesterday.”

“Okiee.”

Later – The Scooter Saga

Kai dragged him to a scooter dealership.

Kaiser marched straight to the desk, looking the salesman dead in the eye.

“Sooo… do you have scooty?”

Kai buried his face in his hands. “Oh boy… not again.”

The salesman blinked. “Uh… yes, sir?”

“Gimme, then.”

The salesman stared, visibly regretting his career choices. “Sir… do you know what mileage, brand, or CC you’re looking for?”

Kaiser grinned. “Nope. No idea what you’re talking about.”

The man sighed and gestured toward a sleek, brand-new model gleaming under the lights.

“This is our latest—”

“Excuse me,” Kaiser interrupted. “I need the cheapest one.”

Another sigh. He pointed toward a dusty, neglected scooter shoved in the far corner—like even the other scooters avoided it.

“How about that one?”

“Yes! That’s the one!” Kaiser beamed.

Kai just floated there, radiating pure annoyance.

Riding Out Like a Hero

Kaiser zipped down the street, yelling,
“WOOOHOOO!!”

Kai hovered beside him, screaming like a banshee.
“Kaiser, you brainless idiot—drive slowly!”

Kaiser turned toward him, grinning.
“I’M FASTTTTT!!”

“KAISER, LOOK AHEAD!”

“KAISERRRRRR—SLOW THE HECK DOWN! WE’RE GONNA—”

CRASH.

Scooter met wall.
Plastic crunched.
A pigeon flew away dramatically.

Kaiser stood up, holding the bent handlebars like a defeated warrior.

Kai hovered above him, barking, “Congratulations. You just broke the scooter on its first day.”

“I… I’m sowwie… forgib meee…” Kaiser whimpered.

“Shut the hell up.”

Rain began to fall.

Kaiser, drenched and limping, pushed the scooter home in silence.

Kai floated beside him like a disappointed dad.
“This is why we can’t have nice things.”

That Night

Kaiser collapsed into bed, soaked and exhausted.

Kai hovered nearby, arms still folded.

“I’ll visit the doctor tomorrow…” Kaiser mumbled.

“In a taxi,” Kai snapped. “You’re banned from two-wheeled transport.”

“Okay… I’m sorry… forgive meee…”

Minutes passed.
Kaiser lay still, nearly asleep.

“…Hey, Kai?”

“Yeah?” Kai replied, voice echoing inside Kaiser’s head.

“Why is it so cold… Did I turn on the AC?”

“Bro, we’re broke. We don’t even have an AC. Just pull the blanket.”

Kaiser reached around.

Nothing.

No sheets. No mattress.

Just… a cold, hard surface.

“I can’t… I can’t feel the blanket…”

Kai paused.
“…What are you talking about?”

Kaiser’s eyes shot open.
The bed was gone.
The room was gone.

Both of them were… somewhere dark.

Kai’s voice cracked.
“KAISER. WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?!”

Kaiser looked around, panic rising.
“Is this a dream?”

Then, in perfect unison—

“What the fu—”