chapter20

Nice day that day. Late April wind on my face felt warm.

He was maybe 173cm. Pale, slim.

Plaid shirt, chinos, backpack. Waitin’ under a big camphor tree.

Novel heroes? All gorgeous.

Real life? Not so many lookers.

Ordinary folks find love too.

Smiled at his shirt: "Classic STEM guy uniform."

He looked nervous, scratched his head: "Don’t like it? Bought it yesterday."

"Haircut too. Fresh."

"Looks good. I’m wearin’ old stuff. Shoulda bought new too."

Waved his hands, eyes bright: "No need! You look great like this."

Ordinary love? Just … ordinary.

No drama. No crazy exes.

We ate, hiked, strolled, watched movies.

Mid-May, saw So Young together.

Movie ended. Theater was snifflin’.

I just felt lost: "Can’t relate. Guess ‘cause no one ever loved me. Never loved anyone. My youth? Blank slate."

Zhou Xiang turned. Took my hand.

His voice shook: "Your youth ain’t over. Let me fill it."

"Be my girlfriend?"

His palm was sweat-soaked.

I said yes.

Outside the theater: "You have no idea how scared I was you’d say no."

"You’re a PhD at a top uni. Way outta my league. Why scared?"

"Nah. You’re the amazing one. Scared you’d think I wasn’t good enough." Almost cried then.

Turns out, even if you’re plain as dirt, someone out there thinks you’re one-of-a-kind.

Thinks they gotta reach high to touch you.

Zhou Xiang found me full sets of Central South Uni textbooks, past exams, prep books for my major.

A nobody from a second-rate uni? Tryin’ for a top school? Had to work twice as hard.

Lookin’back …

Youth. Boundless energy.

Crammin’work, study, and datin’.

Junior year second semester? Time got tight.

Had to choose: job or grad school.

The teahouse? Part of a big tea company.

Company was expandin’ overseas.

My English major plus tea knowledge? Perfect fit.

Manager wanted me on the team.

Make it big? I’d be a pioneer.

But the exam was breathin’ down my neck. Time was runnin’ out.

Zhou Xiang backed me: "If you start workin’, you’ll never have this much time or peace to study."

"Lose that fresh grad edge too."

Held my hand among wild asters in early fall: "Don’t sweat livin’ costs. I can send you ¥1500 a month."

Pulled out his phone.

Stopped him: "Still got savings. When it runs low, I’ll ask." Truth? Wantin’ grad school? Had a lot to do with him.

Him: Top uni PhD.

Me: Regular second-rate grad.

Plus? His family was loaded.

Once his mom gave him ¥5000. Thought it was for a semester. He said a month.

Wanted to close that gap.

College entrance exams? Smarts + hustle.

Grad school back then? Not as cutthroat as now.

Smarts mattered less. Grit, persistence, resistin’ temptation? That was key.

Folks hit the roof when they heard I wanted grad school.

"Another three years! Your dad and I ain’t gettin’ younger!"

"You were never the sharpest. Quit workin’ to study? No income. Fail the exam? Lose-lose." "What about Qiuqiu’s college fees when she starts?"

…

But I wasn’t that 17-year-old girl hangin’ on their every word anymore.

Sister spoke up: "I’ll take loans for tuition."

Folks had to back down.

That year preppin’ for the exam? Cut off almost everyone but Zhou Xiang and Sister.

Thought of us three maybe studyin’together someday? Fired me up.

Like a sponge. Soakin’ up everything.

Waitin’ for my shot at fate’s scales.

That day? Finally came.

Winter was brutal that year. Mornin’? Ground frozen solid.

But exam days? Sun came out. Felt warm on your skin.

First three exams? Went smooth.

Zhou Xiang waited outside. Headed for lunch.

Then my phone rang. Mom.

Hesitated. Answered. Panic in her voice:

"Your dad … drinkin’ at someone’s place … fell on the way back … head bleedin’ everywhere … Xiaxia, what do I do … what do I do … "

For a split second? Thought: Shoulda powered off.

One last exam.

I’d done well so far.

If I ignored that call? Finished strong? My whole life mighta been different.

But life don’t do "what ifs."

Zhou Xiang rushed with me to the hospital.

Dad had a stroke from drinkin’.

Lived. But slurred speech. Walked with a limp. Couldn’t work.

Lied in bed. Couldn’t meet my eyes.

"Xia … Xia … ground was just … slippery."

Mom stammered: "Qiuqiu’s in her last year of high school … don’t tell her … she’ll lose focus." "Xiaxia, your dad can’t earn no more … forget grad school … if you go … who’ll support this     family?"

"What about Qiuqiu?"

Told myself to stay calm. Couldn’t. Cracked. Screamed:

"I TOLD YOU I HAD EXAMS! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DRINK?"

"WHY DO YOU NEVER SEE ME?"

"WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ONE SACRIFICED?"

"JUST ONCE! THINK ABOUT ME! CARE ABOUT ME! IS THAT TOO MUCH? You know I prepped for over a YEAR!"

"You know how many nights I stayed up? How many problems I solved? How much I suffered?" "I ain’t askin’you to push me forward! Just… just … "

Just stop holdin’ me back.

Just stop tellin’ me, over and over: You’re the one we give up on.

Mom and Dad hung their heads low.

Saw the white hair crowdin’ their scalps.

Bitterness washed over me in waves.

Maybe … this was just my fate.

Ran outta the hospital.

Zhou Xiang chased me. Found me under a bare, dead tree.

Pulled me close. Rubbed my back: "Sshh. It’s okay. You got me."

"With me? You always come first."

I clung to him. Sobbed my heart out.

That winter. Under that dead tree.

Cried out twenty-plus years of hurt.

Zhou Xiang held me. Whispered: "Sorry … I never knew … how much you suffered … to become this strong, independent Xiaxia."

Never told him much about the past.

What’s glorious about sufferin’?

Given the choice? I’d rather be a pampered princess too.

Back in the room, Mom said: "Maybe … try again next year? I can wash dishes. Make ¥2000 a month."

Sister found out anyway.

Told me: "Jie, I’ll get scholarships in college. Can work part-time." "You focus on the exam. My livin’ costs? I’ll cover ‘em."

chapter21

Mom’s lips twitched. Words caught in her throat.

"Forget it. Not taking the exam."

Grad school entrance exams are like war.

First charge, full steam ahead. Second, momentum fades. Third, you’re spent.

My fire? Out.

Can’t reignite it now.

Dad had rural cooperative medical insurance.

I remembered everyone paid over 100 back then.

Talked Mom and Dad into getting it. Auntie sneered, called it wasting money.

But now? It paid off.

The scheme requires paying upfront first, then reimbursement.

I didn’t have enough cash. Zhou Xiang covered over 10,000 for me.

Reimbursement came during Chinese New Year. Mom and Dad stayed quiet.

When I asked, they hemmed and hawed: "It’s New Year, money’s tight everywhere. This refund … your dad and I were thinking … "

"At least pay Zhou Xiang back."

Mom mumbled: "He’s your boyfriend. Spending some on your dad’s fine, right…?"

Saw red. "You admit he’s just my boyfriend? 15,000, not 150! Mom, if I take this money, how do I hold my head up around him?"

Laid down the law: "If you don’t give me that money, you won’t see a single cent from me ever again!"

Mom finally handed it over.

Nighttime. Thin door couldn’t block her muffled sobs.

"If you can’t earn later, I’ll still have to care for you. Qiuqiu’s starting college soon. No income coming in. Was just thinking … having some cash on hand would ease my mind … "

"I know it’s hard on her. But she’s young and capable. We’re just getting old."

Dad stayed silent forever. Mumbled: "Shouldn’t have drunk. Ruined Xiaxia’s future. I deserve to die!"

That’s real parents for you.

Plenty of flaws. Plenty of bad.

But …

They raised you. Gave you some love.

Makes it hard to love them deep. Impossible to cut ties clean.

Read so many books. None taught me: how to handle your parents.

Roommates and classmates heard what happened. Felt awful for me.

But I had things to do.

Thesis. TEM-8 exam after New Year. Job hunt.

Originally ditched TEM-8 to focus on grad school.

Now? Had to pick it back up.

Zhou Xiang tried to talk me down: "Maybe just … relax a little." Worried I’d crack.

"I’m fine." Smiled. "Can’t stand being idle. Besides, you fell for me ‘cause I hustle, right?" "But now it breaks my heart seeing you work so hard. Want you to breathe easier."

But I’m so ordinary.

If I don’t grind? Could slip any second. Fade into the crowd.

Believed him then. Meant every word.

But in a year? Five? Ten? Would he still think the same?

After TEM-8, started job hunting.

Second-tier degree. Missed campus recruitment. Finding decent work? Uphill battle.

chapter22

Lots of classmates signed for jobs around 2500. 3000 was rare.

Thought long and hard. Called the teahouse manager.

Sure enough, he asked if I wanted back.

Offered me Tea Master Trainer position. 3200 base plus commission.

Decent-sized tea factory. Room to climb.

Pockets were empty. Couldn’t be picky.

That year, Zhou Xiang finished his PhD too.

Landed at a top tech firm. 500k+ annual salary.

That’s …

The power of knowledge.

Knowledge turns straight into cash.

I graduated uni. Sister took the college entrance exam.

Took my advice, chose science track. That year’s cutoff for top-tier unis was 522. She scored 664. When results came out, Mom cried her eyes out.

"Now I can finally hold my head high! Who’ll say I can’t bear sons now?"

"Their sons? As capable as my daughters?"

Dad was thrilled too.

"Gotta live well now. Enjoy my daughter’s blessings."

Couple years back, Second Cousin also got married.

Bled Auntie dry again.

Both sister-in-laws? High-maintenance.

Both got pregnant back-to-back.

Auntie doted on one, neglected the other.

Living hell.

Meanwhile, Mom and Dad had no such headaches.

Picking schools, Mom and Dad insisted Sister shouldn’t go too far.

Later, Zhou Xiang showed her around South Central Uni. She enrolled in their star program.  Acceptance letter arrived. Parents threw a banquet in the village. Set up several arches. Hired performers.

Wanted to shout it from the rooftops.

Sister did score higher than I did. Their joy made sense.

Mom explained: "If we don’t host, we can’t recoup the gift money. When you marry Little Zhou, we’ll host one for you too."

Gift money covered Sister’s tuition. Mom even gave her 2000 for living expenses.

Urged her: "At school, spend what you need. Don’t let classmates look down on you."

"Money tight? WeChat me."

Still stung. But I was used to it.

Didn’t expect their love anymore.

Because … someone else would love me wholeheartedly in this world.

Zhou Xiang’s senior? Now a professor in Sister’s department.

He took us to dinner with him. Introduced Sister.

So Sister, as an undergrad, got to join research projects. Even published papers.

Huge boost for her future.

Zhou Xiang just started. Busy as a dog.

I had more free time than ever.

Binged shows I missed. Read books I never had time for.

A month like that? Felt empty. Pointless.

My birthday.

Zhou Xiang took me out. Gave me a dandelion necklace.

"Xiaxia, you remind me of a dandelion."