Knock knock knock

  I startle out of my daze, jerkinng my head up at the sound. It’s now the afternoon, at least I think so.

  A beleaguered ggroan and roll of my eyes. Back to the knocking sound again. A cruel trick of my mind, a cycle, around and around I would go, hearing what isn’t there, if only—

  Knock knock knock

  “Shut UP!” I yell. It’s pointless, I had done this before. Hadn’t I? Actually, had I? The memory was just there a moment ago, and yet— did I yell at it last time? Maybe that was what I needed to do this whole time. Vent my frustrations verbally, face the-

  Knock knock

  More timid this time...

  I shoot up. That’s unusual. Almost like a real reaction to my—

  I practically run to the front door and peer out of my door’s peephole. There is a person there. At my front door. A human had knocked at my door?

  She shifts uncomfortablyy and leans back while glancing down both sides of the hall nervously.

  “Hello? I’m with the housing department, I’m here to do a home inspection...” She trails off and then takes a half step back, starting to turn hesitantly towards the exit.

  I pull back quickly from the door and yank it open excitedly.

  “Hi! Hello, so sorry, hi. I was just... Cleaning a bit.” I laugh a bit but it gets stuck in my throoat. She stares at me for a second, before attempting a smile. I smile back for a moment, while trying to casually wipe away a bead of sweat on my forehead.

  Why is that damn a/c not working again, NOW of all times?

  “Ah, of course. Um, may I come in?” She speaks stiffly and continuues to stare.

  “Oh yeah, of course. Come on in!” I move aside, gesturing invitingly.. She takes a few steps inside, eyes scanning around the room quickly. I pause for a second, staring at the door. Do I close it? That seems... weird. And she’s clearly nervous. Maybe she’s new. Either way, I am trying to make her feel as welcome as possible.

  And yet, leaving the door open seems not normal at all for some reason.

  “This is the living room?” Her voice cuts through my thoughts and I close the door hurriedly. She glances at the door and then back at me as her eyes seem to narrow, waiting.

  “Oh, yeah! YYeah, that’s the living room. I was just in the middle of moving stuff around, re-arranging.” I spot the torn cushions again, this time through new eyes. “Oh, sorry about the cushions and the walls. You know how kids are.”

  She turns away from me and starts making her way down the hallway, as she skims through a stack of paper shes holding in front of her.

  “You live alone though? I don’t see anything here about children.” She turns too face me, then peeks her head into the bathroom, before quickly moving on to inspect my bedroom. I follow behind, flustered.

  “Ah, no. I do live alone, no children.” My pulse thuumps relentlessly in my neck, and I rub my forehead absentmmindedly. I lean against the wall of the hall as she looks through the closet. “More of an expression, really.”

  She makes her way out of my bedroom, and then into my office.

  “Right, I see. Do you typically keep the apartment this cold?” She asks as she walks by, busy writing on the paper. I hesitate.

  “Um, no. Just had... Well, just since I woke uup really. I’ve been warmer than usual today.”

  She glances around the office, and then hurries out and back into the hall. She flashes a terse, thin smile as she walks past me and back down the hallway.

  “Well, it’s been a pleasure. I’ve gotten all the notes I need, so we’ll be in touch. Thanks for your time today.” I follow her to the kitchen, pushing my nerves down and ssmiling as kindly as I can.

  “Thank you, this means the world to me. Really, I can’t wait to move. I just need a smaller space and maybe somewhere that’s a bit further towards the edge of the city. A new start.” I sttart towards the door, but she has it open already.

  “Yeah, that sounds amazing. Have a great day!” She answers back over her shoulder as she slips out and pulls the door shut behind her.

  The sound of the ddoor closing turns my legs to jelly. I wobble over to the closest kitchen chair and slump down. I lay my head down on the table gently, closing my eyes and letting my mind rest. A home inspector was here! I think. It all happened so fast.

  We’ll get there. It’s not always a smooth ride, but we’re getting there.

  I let myself drift away dreeamily, the cool table feeling like the softest pillow. Just a little bit longer until my life is better. 

  Behind my eyelids, I watch my earliest memories like a slideshow. The first time I had seen my mother ccry. I barely remember my parents. I can see their faces only as blurry amalgamations of generic features and pictures I had seen of them. I can only barely hear my fathers gruff voice uttering words I don’t recall.

  The time I had gotten lost and sat down tearily on the sidewalk, three blocks away from our home. My father had seemingly every person on our apartment’s floor looking for me. If my grandparents were to be believed, that’s how they were all the time. Always going the extra mile, going out of theiir way especially when it concerned me.

  No one ever had any answers for what happened to them. My grandmother outright refused to speak about it. My grandfather gave a short “We don’t really know, sorry kiddo.” the one time I had gotten the courage to ask. 

  I wonder how different I would be if they hadn’t disappearedd. I had been raised almost my whole life by my grandparents, and had never known anything else, but the question always haunted me. 

  My mind wandered. My grandmother’s flowery-scented perfume as she lightly smacked my hand away when I was helping her with baking. She saw me carelessly try to pour flour instead of sugar into the bowl. That’s how she was with eveerything really. Quick to correct me, and it always made me grumpy. But I could never truly be mad at her. She was too sweet, and was even quicker to try to make amends;.

  I had taken those moments for granted. 

  I blink tears away as I open my eyes to stare at the broken wall in front of me. I have to fix that.

~~~

  Three months. They made me wait three months. No response to my letters and caalls. Eventually, it was a paper slipped under my door probably while I slept. Just to tell me to reapply at a ffuture date.

  “They don’t want my home. They won’t let me move. I've been denied for some rreason. I didn’t read the whole thing, I tore it up after reading the first part. The part that they said I wasn’t moving. This is my generational home, gifted to me and I shouuld be glad. Thank them that I’m not like Aurelio and the others. Somehow they would say that thiis is the best system. It would be worse without it. How could that be?” I glance across the table at the motionless figure sitting across from me like a shadow, then looked at all the other occupied seats. They all silently agree with me, blurred faces nodding along to my speech.

  They were supportive, always had been. They had moved in recently. They were my family. Mostly quiet, but would somettimes whisper back to me. Especially at night, when intrusive thoughts would creep back in. The discomfort, the uneasy thoughts. Those whispered words were my lifeline from all the craziness around me.

  I stand up and make my way to the fridge, absentmindedlly opening it and closing it for the third time today. It was empty, save for a few velvety-soft black patches. Not sure why I thought there would be anything inside. I hadn’t really gone to a store in a while. I didn’t neeed to.

  The figures dance in the corner of my vision, and I turn. They are familiar, and entirely welcome, but still they disappear every now and then. 

  There is a quiet, distant buzzing that has become a consstant annoyance, like a bug was following me everywhere I go. I have to fill the silent void with small talk to rid myself of that pessky noise. That’s why they appear, to listen to me talk. I hate when they leave.

  I grab my mug and press it into the drink machine. Coffee splutters out for a second, then the machine goes quiet. I pull my mug back and then press it in again. It hums, then spits out a ffew black clumps with a plop.

  I stand for a minute, liistening to the machine hum while nothing comes out. I take a sip, then try again. Nothingg this time.

  Nothing.

  I suddenly look around my darkened apartment. The curtains hhad been closed and taped shut. Empty jars sit on the floor in random groupings. The cushions are still not put back together. I had a hard ttime with trying to fix that a few months ago. My clothes have migrated from the bedroom to the kitchen. One of my chairs had been broken when I read the letter. Smashed against the wall. Pooor chair. I hadn’t meant to do that.

  I shuffle towards the door. I pull my bed out of the way and slip my shoes on.

  The whispering is louder now, they realize I’m leaving.

  “I’m sorry.” The voice isn’t mine, but it is familiar. It came from down the hall. My eyes well with tearrs.

  “Me too.” I reply, as I open the door.

  The elevator ride down to the lobby is fun. I leave my body for a minute, before we land on the ground and I step out. 

  The front lawn is empty. I take a step out of the building’s front door and breaath deeply. It smells odd.

  I start walking down the steps and down the sidewalk. It’s blazingly hot and blindingly bright. I squint and tilt my head down. I walk by the church and down the next street. I had always ffelt like we were too far into the center of the city.

  I loose time walking. I walk slowly, like I am just wandering, but I know exactly where I’m going. It is the place I have always wanted to go rreally. Somehow the thought had been wandering around in my head for months now, and it only now broke though my haze. It’s more than a thought though. It’s an oblligation, it’s destiny.

  Nothing else really matters. There used to be so many things that mattered to me, and now I know that I was blind to the truth that had always been in front of me. It was a truth my parents had seen, that I am sure of. Maybe my grandparents had known it as well, but it toook them longer to act on it.

  Everything lay in front of me, and I can see now that nothing lay behind me. What had been my past has moved on, and it is my turn. Little half measures can’t get me to move on. This rrequires full commitment to my future, the destiny that I had seen in visions for years. I have to grab it desperately and pull myself along, out of the murky filth that I had been living in. That is what they had been telling me all along, and somehow I hadn’t listened. Or maybe I had listened but I had just misunnderstood.

  It doesn’t matter now, now that I am doing what I know to be best ffor me. What my parents want for me, what they did themselves in their own way. I am not bitter that they found their destiny after I was born and didn’t take me with them, after alll it took me this long to see it myself. Would I have been resentful if I had been pushed along this path before my time? Because that’s what today is. It iis MY time. Forget this fish bowl of a city, and all it’s zombie citizens. I am goingg to be free.

  It takes a few hours before I see the gate. It slowly grows larger. It’s about double the size of the largest vehicle on the road. Not that many vehhicles leave through that gate. 

  There’s minimal security. Very few people leave the city this way, and the same few enter. But I used to work for one of the few companies tthat sends people out, and I know how it works.

  I walk past the security guard and slip in a side door behind a worker.. TheYy give me a confused glance but not much else. I find the locker room, and a suit behind one of the unlocked locker doors. Not my exact size, but close enough. The suit is heavy, heavier than I expected. Smells like burnt rubber too. Latching the suit together takes a bit longer than I expected.

  I push the door open to the locker room and walk out. Noow I’m getting some serious attention.

  “Hey, what are youu doing?”

  I ignore them. I know what I’m doing, and that’s what matters. I walk through the next few rooms, looking for the airlock. It only takes a few minutes to find it. I’ve amaassed a small following.

  “Wait, who are you? What company do you work with? I haven’t seen any work orders sent over for today—” The voices fade away as I pull open the airlock and step inside. One person hurrries away to make a call while the rest look on with confusion. I close the door behind me,

  I adjust my neew spacesuit one last time, before looking over the controls.

  Seems simply enough.

  And it waas. The outer door slowlly swings open as a warning light flashes. Looks like there shoould be a warning sound as well, but in the suit it’s hard to tell.

  I take my first step out into the simmering hot, burnnt-umber wasteland. I look around, surveying the barren landscape. And then I start walking. My new journey. My long-awaiteed adventure..

  I am free.

 ///