My mother said goodbye again.
This time it was for them, and not for me. The people. The masses. They needed to know she loved me, too.
I walked out into the crowd thronging the palace gates. All the important people were up front. Relief rushed through me as I spotted the Lusilean Ambassador, rumpled and rubbing his forehead but otherwise unhurt.
Kesper, shining in silver armour, offered me his gauntlet and helped me onto my horse, decked out in gold as much as I was. No one dressed like this normally, but the Progress was like a play. No one was expecting normal.
I was comfortable in a saddle. I'd had horse-riding lessons until I was fifteen, when my parents stopped paying for them. However, side-saddle in a full-on velvet gown and slippers was something new. My horse was a lovely, gentle mare though. The best of the best - wasn't everything, in this life?
The train began to move. My personal guard rode in front, then came me, flanked by bannermen, then Ewen, long ice-blue cloak flowing out behind him. Giselle had never learned how to ride a horse, so she was bundled away in a carriage. The train was long and spiky as a snake with spikes.
All down the street, the people of the city wished me well.
Since I'd planned it, I knew how much this all cost. All for an impression.
We moved slow, real slow, through tiny villages decorated with flowers and pennants, musician running alongside us with wooden flutes and harps. I tossed handfuls of golden coins into the crowds, which felt a bit problematic, but they seemed happy about it.
The countryside was - something out of a novel. The hills were shockingly green; the sheep were fat and white and the brooks all but babbled. I felt the peace of being out in open space, finally, even if I was anything but free.
Stopping for lunch in another pretty little town, long tables were laid out for us. This must be Alevian peasant food: honey cakes and cheeses, vegetable pies and mutton. I knew my personal cooks had been sent up ahead to cook these feasts. But I made sure they used local ingredients and dishes, after thorough poison testing, of course.
Then I shook hands with the mayors; kissed some babies, and we got moving again. Everyone around me was a flurry of activity, but I just had to stop when they said stop, and go when they said go.
By the time evening had crept over the hills I was exhausted. Why were there so many villages so close together?! I had a dozen different jaunty tunes running through my head and a jolting reflex to throw coins into the night. We rode up to a castle surrounded by a moat. Trumpets sounded and a man rode up to greet me. He was Count Reclof, and we'd be staying in his castle for the night.
There was a whole ceremony before dinner, and it took everything in me not to fall asleep on the spot. I was barely hungry. Today, Kesper sat next to me at dinner. In the palace, he'd never been ranked highly enough to make it to meals but out here he was a knight, and that meant something. He was quiet, though, so it left me making small-talk with the Count, who luckily was a friendly guy.
But custom dictated he turn to Ewen on his left, and I was stuck making eye contact with Kesper.
I watched him expectantly, for some reason reluctant to speak if he refused to. He didn't turn his face away, but shrank into himself as the silence stretched on. It felt strange. I had never seen him as shy before.
Finally, he said something. "I apologise, Your Highness. I'm not used to being a dinner guest. I hope you can forgive me. I have been neglecting this facet of my role as your bodyguard.
"Maybe you need time to practice, as you would with a sword?"
"The best guards put themselves aside. That way they don't get distracted by unnecessary things."
"Like having a personality?"
Kesper chuckled. "Your Highness never minded before. In fact, I reckon you preferred it."
My cheeks heated up. I ignored them. "I was never stuck with no one but you for conversation before. You have permission to go back to being boring when we get home."
"Duly noted, Your Highness."
His conversation skills didn't much improve over the nights. I got to chat with lots of minor nobles, eager to worm their way into my favour.
The further out we travelled from the Capital, the less green the hills looked; the villages, still hung with the same flowers, showed signs of disrepair. Every step my mare took, I was a step further away from home. Or maybe, a step closer. But the people, my people, were always just as glad to see me - I was probably the most interesting thing to happen to them.
The landscape became more rocky; great boulders were strewn along the sides of the road. Towns were further and further apart. We were heading up, into the hills. Mountains, which appeared as a blue blur on the horizon, grew larger and clearer just how impossibly huge they really were. The Archaen Range. I'd never seen mountains this big, ever. Seeing them on a map was one thing, but real life filled my chest with emotions I could not name.
We started climbing and I, deprived of my view, got stuck on thinking. All the memories I collected in my parchment. The things Giselle had told me, and the books in the library that lied. Conversations with Kesper, Ciel, Derek and my mother. And the Lusilean Ambassador.
Later in the novel, nearly at the end, it was revealed that Amacia had never lost her memories. She had sold her soul to a demon, and ran away to ensnare the Saintess, Giselle. But this Giselle was no Saintess, so whatever was going on with Amacia, I had no clue. How did they find each other? Why were they so attached?
That night was my first not in a castle since I became Amacia. A tent was pitched, tall, silk and laden with furs. Slightly smaller tents popped up for the less important people, and the majority simply rugged up along the side of the road. I invited Giselle into my tent for tea, and feminine conversation.
"Why is it so important we go South? What did the original Amacia want Ewen for?" We were sure going to a lot of trouble. Ewen looked more miserable by the day. But every evening Giselle stuck to his side like glue, rubbing his arm and speaking in a voice sweet as spun sugar.
Now Giselle had her attention on me, and her hands on her hips. She looked bored.
"Is it 'cause she was Lusilean? Did she want revenge for Alevia defeating Lusile?"
Giselle's face remained curiously blank. Then her lips curved upwards. "No. Nice try."
"What has being a - witch - got to do with the South?" Neither Giselle nor Amacia had any connections to the Southlands - they both grew up in the North. When Amacia went missing and lost her memories, she was living in a Northern village with Giselle.
"I can see you've started trying to use her brain. It's not a good look on you."
I hadn't expected any answers from her. But I was storing her reactions away for future use.
Deeper into the hills we came to a pass, so steep everyone needed to dismount and walk. The climb was steep, but my body was strong. Still, there was a big fuss over this indignity for a princess, even though it simply had to happen. I was flocked by attendants plying wine, towels and snacks, and the best members of my guard. Although we were heading higher and higher, claustrophobia was all I could feel.
Giselle, kicked out of her shell-carriage, suctioned herself to my hip in a way she hadn't been able to do all journey. There was an air of arrogance in her performance as my friend, clutching my arm and tossing her hair and making big, silly proclamations. When we stopped for lunch and I finally got a bit of breathing room, she stayed stuck to me, leaning against my side while chewing heartily on her sandwich.
"I could run away here," I told her. "Disappear into the hills. I reckon you'd have a time catching me."
Giselle tilted her head. "Do you want to live like that?"
"Why don't you have me on a tighter leash? I'm the person you can least afford to lose track of."
"Why would I lose you? We both want the same thing."
Yes, what I really wanted was my soul to be decimated in a ritual. She got me.
She doesn't get me at all.
I was her blind spot. I was her weakness.
To Giselle, I was the docile and obedient lackey. That hung on a knife's edge. If I made any sudden moves, she could lash out and I could go down with her. But right now, she believed my lies fervently and wholeheartedly, dragging me forward with dogged determination towards an outcome that, in truth, neither of us could predict. I didn't know everything she knew. She didn't know everything I knew.
It would take everything from me to come out on top. At this point I was just aiming for alive.
I called Kesper to walk in step with me for the next leg. I thought he could use more conversation practice. Giselle shot me a glare before dropping back, and I couldn't suppress a smile. Kesper always walked with purpose, careful to match my stride. He wouldn't feel claustrophobic. His head soared free of the crowds.
"Have you ever been to the Southlands?" That was a great small talk initiation. He should have been able to volley off that one just fine.
"No. Because you never have, Your highness." Very direct response.
"You've never been anywhere that I haven't?"
"Well, I was born in Lusile. We lived there until we were six years old. After that... I was by your side."
"Except when you couldn't be." If he couldn't keep things surface-level, why should I? His expression, the set of his brow and his jaw, flexed in a way I knew I'd gone deep indeed.
"Five years... I never told you this, but I wanted to go looking for you. I knelt down in front of the queen, and begged. Her Majesty refused. Ciel laughed at me. What was the point, she said, if I didn't know where to start. But I thought that looking anywhere was better than doing nothing."
He looked down at me like he wasn't looking down at me at all. That look - it was familiar in a way that struck my ribs like lightning. I bit my lower lip, struggling to mask the shock tingling through my body, numbing everything else. Giselle. He'd looked at me the way Giselle did.
Kesper brushed his hand through his hair and smiled. It wasn't happy. "You found your way back, anyway, without my help, so I guess she was right, after all."
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