“Get out,” said Insu as he stood, picking up Shihwan’s jacket before tossing it to him.

“What?” Shihwan stared up at him in confusion. He then stood so that he could more easily meet his eyes.

“Get out,” Insu repeated. Then, for good measure, said it once more. “Get out.”

His voice was level, steady. He was glad for it for the rest of him was twisted up in agonizing turmoil.

Shihwan blinked. “Insu—I’m sorry. Is it because of the kiss? It was because I was drunk—”

That made it worse.

Insu closed his eyes tightly. 

He sighed, trying to quell the urge to kick his best friend's ass.

It wasn’t Shihwan’s fault, he reminded himself again. Yes, Shihwan had been the one to initiate the kiss. All his recent actions had been causing him unlimited confusion, but, in that moment, Insu had been the one with the clear head. He knew that he should have stopped him, but instead, he had taken advantage of Shihwan’s inebriated state, unable to stop himself from finally discovering what it was like to kiss the guy he had been in love with nearly all his life.

He cringed.

God, he hated himself.

Why am I so pathetic?

“Insu,” said Shihwan, and Insu felt a hand gently touch his shoulder.

He jerked back and turned to see a look of surprise mixed with hurt on Shihwan’s face.

And Insu nearly conceded.

It really wasn't fair, he thought. Just one look from Shihwan made him want to change his mind. He really was just so pathetic.

Insu turned his head so he no longer had to look at him.

“Please,” he said, knowing that his voice sounded curt and annoyed more than pleading. “Just go home.”

Shihwan stood in place for a long moment. Insu knew that Shihwan’s eyes were still on him, gazing at him, his mouth opening and closing repeatedly like a broken parrot, wanting to say something to fix the situation but unable to find the words.

Insu held his breath, wondering if somehow Shihwan would find a way to convince him to let him stay. Perhaps he’d tell Insu that the kiss wasn’t a mistake, that it hadn’t been some drunken need to ease his loneliness.

But then he heard the sound of Shihwan picking up his jacket from the floor.

And Insu suddenly felt tired.

Shihwan began to move toward the door, but then paused once more.

There was another moment of silence before Shihwan’s deep voice reverberated around the room as he sighed and once again apologized. “Insu, I’m sorry.”

He opened the door and walked out, leaving Insu alone with his unwanted thoughts.

It was only after he heard the click of the latch did Insu finally turn around. 

He sighed loudly into the empty apartment. Until the moment Shihwan had walked out, some part of him had held onto the hope that Shihwan would insist he stay until they resolved the issue between them, which was how he would have normally handled things.

But the problem was that Shihwan didn’t know what the issue was, and Insu had no mind to tell him. 

He cursed.

Confess. Communicate. That’s what his friends at the gay club had advised him when they had somehow found out about Insu’s unrequited love.

But they were idiots, and Insu wasn’t a fool. It was easy to dish out advice as a bystander.

He simply didn’t have the courage. After all, Shihwan was the only person in his life that he could not stand to lose.

And if this day had told him anything, it was that Shihwan could only ever kiss him when he was drunk and reeling from a broken heart.

Why couldn’t I have just fallen in love with you instead? 

His heart throbbed as he recalled the words Shihwan had said. It had been a stupid, throwaway comment, so easily served up because it had no meaning to him.

Insu’s hands clutched into fists as his anger renewed. As much as he loved Shihwan, he hated how pathetic he made him feel.

No… this is good. This was what he needed. What they needed. He would use this moment to put some much-needed space between them.

Insu grabbed the jacket he had earlier tossed on the sofa and shrugged it on.

This was the last time. He wouldn’t let Shihwan confuse him again.

He grabbed his keys from the counter and briefly fixed his hair in the hallway mirror before reaching for the door handle.

His eyes sharpened momentarily as the memory of Shihwan’s kiss flooded his mind. He gritted his teeth and shut his eyes tightly, bemoaning the fact that, despite the turmoil, he still savored the memory.

Insu shook his head and cursed himself.

That was the last time, he reminded himself firmly as he opened the door to this apartment.

He would move on.

This time, he would find a way to move on.

.