Chapter IV

You wanna know the best part about “arts-and-science” colleges? The free time, the many events they host… basically, the easy-going vibe! Yeah, sure, you might be preparing for your “supplis”, or whatever, but dammit, loosen up, dawg… That’s the whole vibe on-campus. And boy, Month 2 brought along with it a way to drown in that vibe.

It started like any other day. I didn’t bother reading the school WhatsApp group, so I had no idea what they had in store during the last two periods. None of my classmates even discussed it. So, for three-fourths of the day, the convos were like this:

“Yo, did you see that new film from Asif Ali?”

“Nah, man, didn’t get time. Is it good?”

“Hell, no. Asif did his best, but the whole thing was absolutely terrible.”

Tick. Tick. Time bled away slowly. In between conversations, there were long, awkward pauses where all we did was twiddle our thumbs, and nervously tapped our pens on the desks, as we listened to the professors explain concepts that were basically a repeat of what we already knew from Plus Two. This went on for the entire morning sesh. Then—

—“Ding ding!” went the bell, and thus began the lunch period. We hastily took out our lunch-boxes and dug into our food. More convos:

“That India vs New Zealand match, man. Shit was intense!” began Ajith, a friend of mine.

“I know, right? Man, there was that brilliant wicket from Bumrah, man. It was like magic!” I said.

“Spun right around the bat, into the wickets. Man, the batsman stood no chance!”

“No chance at all!” I said in agreement.

Another awkward pause. The sound of spoons clinking on metal lunch-boxes, and soft chewing filled the room once more. Occasionally broken by a cough or two.

Finally, lunch hour drew to a close. We packed up our empty boxes into our bags, and for a while, just sat around and chatted about whatever crossed our minds.

“Hey, does doing pull-ups increase height?”

I looked at the guy who asked that—Madhu, another pal. “No. That’s a myth. Even if you do get tall, it’s only by a couple centimetres at best. By the next day, the cartilage of the spinal column is squeezed down into place again, and your effort is all for nothing…”

“Shit. So I’ll always stay short?”

“Unless you inject protein powder directly into your spine, I have no idea how you’ll get taller…”

“Dammit…” sighed Madhu.

And thus, the first period after the lunch hour ended. Then came the surprise:

“Da, it seems like the Commerce department is holding some sort of a mini-concert today…” Madhu said.

“The hell? Really? I didn’t know that…” I said.

“Didn’t you check the class WhatsApp group yesterday?” asked Alfred. “They hinted at it there… There was the poster for it and everything!”

“No, man. Didn’t feel like checking yesterday.” I sighed.

“Well, whatever…” butted in Ajith. “At least now, we get the last two periods off!”

“That’s a major win…” I said in agreement.

The entire class shuffled over to the courtyard, where we saw a crowd of students from all the other departments just milling about, chatting, or just leaning against the pillars. There was an almost tangible thread of energy tying the crowd together into a mood of collective excitement.

I set my gaze on the stage. A band was setting up their instruments—keyboard, guitar, drums… I broke my gaze constantly to check my watch. When would the event start? I thought, impatience forcing me to tap my foot restlessly. “You know when it’s gonna start?” I asked Subash, whom I had managed to find from within the crowd.

“Fuck if I know. I didn’t even check the group for this info till now.”

“Check again…” I implored him, “I can’t—my phone’s outta charge.”

Subash exhaled deeply, pulled out his phone, and scrolled through his WhatsApp chats. He clicked the college group. “3 pm. Apparently. Even though it’s now quarter past three…”

“Why are they delaying it?”

“Reasons, maccha, reasons beyond us. And since it’s beyond us, we shouldn’t think too much about it…”

“I guess you’re right…”

Guess who walked past at that exact moment? Of course, it was Anamika… And she looked pumped. She turned to face us and shot us a cheeky grin.

“You guys just gonna mope around here, or will you join the crowd?” she asked.

“Umm…” Dammit, that stare of hers messed with my brain, and made me tongue-tied!

“Well, I’m gonna join my batch soon. Hey, Athul? You doing the same?” Don’t ask me how Subash was able to keep a clear head around Anamika, but somehow, he did. I was still dazed by her presence, so I didn’t answer his query immediately. Then, he cleared his throat to catch my attention. That’s when I finally snapped out of it.

“Um, well, yeah… One problem: I don’t know where they are…”

“Don’t worry…” crooned Anamika. She gestured me to follow her. “I know where they are. Tag along!”

And that’s how I found myself in the middle of a thousand-strong crowd, surrounded by all my friends and batch-mates… and quite close the her as well. Really close. I almost made contact with her upper arm, but chivalry and utter prudish behaviour forced me to stay way back. Don’t ask me how I kept away, but I did, believe it or not!

The show started soon after, and my goodness, the crowd was lit up in seconds.

“Are you ready to rock?” announced the lead singer. An ear-splitting roar was his reply. “Then one, two, one-two-three…”

The singer broke into the first number: the Malayalam song “Pavizhamaraye…” A love song. Which was ironic, as I was near someone that I just… couldn’t read.

During the song, I just zoned out and had an over-thinking sesh. Even little interaction Anamika and I had was analysed over and over. I remembered the time when I handed her the pen she dropped, and she stared right at me with a smile. Then there was the time that I was having lunch and decided to sit near her bench, along with her friend-circle, the excuse being that this was “just for a change”. She remarked that I was quite a slow eater. True, but damn, she said that sentence in a pretty seductive way…

And now, here I was, just millimetres away from her, sweating like crazy, and struggling to stay away from her so that I didn’t come off as a creep. Didn’t matter. She was vibing along and knocking shoulders with some other guy. I glared at the guy in a cold way. This fucker looked, and sounded, like a twink. You know, the type of gay boys who love to take it up the ass, especially if the other man is the big, muscular type? Yeah… and even though he had that vibe around him, she was very open with him, for some reason.

Jealous? Like you can’t even imagine… All of a sudden, I just wanted to kill that twink, right there, and cut his smirking head off with a rusted pocket-knife. But somehow, I was able to compose myself. Barely.

Then, my batch-mates—including twink boy—disappeared into the crowd. It was… just me and her? I couldn’t believe my luck. And yet, even though there was less than a fingernail’s gap between Anamika and I, the distance between our souls might as well have been light-years. For the next few minutes, all we did was try and vibe with with the music, which, at this point, wasn’t really hitting the spot.

I didn’t want to waste this opportunity, so I slowly got close to her, and, taking my time, asked her, “The vibes ain’t hitting, right?”

An awkward pause of about a second passed.

She then turned, smiled at me, and curtly said, “Yeah. I guess.” And then she turned to face the stage.

Still, there was that curtness! And only around me did she display this…

Did she like me, then? I mean, it was only with me that she showed this. On the other hand, maybe she knew I liked her, so she was keeping her distance verbally?

It hurt to think. By the time the concert drew to a close, my head was spinning, my heart was empty, and my opportunity to spill my feelings for her was gone. I sulked back to go collect my bag. “Yo,” said Madhu, who was part of Anamika’s friend-circle, “You heading with us to Vadakke Stand?”

“S—Sure. Don’t have much else to do.”

A large group of mine, and Anamika’s, friends walked together towards the stand. We chatted with one another and chuckled at jokes and half-attempts at jokes all the way there. But one thing infuriated me: that damned twink and Anamika were walking ahead of everyone, and she was giggling at his lame jokes. I balled my hands into fists. My heart couldn’t take it anymore. Luckily, by that point, we had arrived at the stand. I hurriedly got into the bus, and sat down in a vacant seat.

It was with that same gloomy mood that I took a shower, ate dinner, and hit the hay. This day had sapped all my energy. I was an empty shell of a man. I started to have doubts about myself, and my life’s trajectory.

“Will I always stay alone? Will I never find love? Am I… unlovable, or hard to love?”

I tried hard to keep my tears at bay. It was like my heart was being crushed by a hydraulic press.

I didn’t know what to do, so I pulled out my phone and started doom-scrolling Instagram. My eyes welled up with tears when I saw my old Plus Two friends. Someone was in pilot school, a couple were in engineering college. All of them far away from me. I felt like a man on a forgotten boat, in a forgotten pocket of the Pacific. And then, I decided to stare at Anamika’s IG profile (strangely enough, she did accept my follow request). Why? No damn idea.

It crushed my heart even more, but I just couldn’t stop staring at her photos. I was careful not to like any of the older posts—otherwise she’d find out that I was lurking. Her face, her beautiful face was soon tattooed into my mind. I just couldn’t let her go. Thoughts of killing that twink with a blunt object crept into my mind. I shook my head around. No, I thought, that’s not an option. Ain’t no way I’m going to jail over that little shit…

Before I closed IG, I posted a cryptic text story: “Sad Boi Chronicles #1. My heart is a desert. So close, yet so far. When will the torture end?”

And then I put my phone underneath my bed. I placed my arms around my chest in a similar fashion to a corpse in a casket, and thought. About what? I don’t remember. But soon, her—Anamika’s—images flooded my mind. Soon, my blood started rushing to… various parts of my body.

I couldn’t stop myself fast enough. In a flash, my left hand was pulling down my shorts, and soon grasped you-know-what, and started to move my fist up and down. I had left behind all shame. I felt the blood throbbing around my body in all directions. I quicken the pace.

I imagined the most shameless, lustful things that I’d do to her, if she ever said yes. I could feel the pressure building up. I involuntarily slid my tongue out, just a little. A lust-soaked grin crawled across my face. It was getting good—really good. It was so wrong to like this, but I didn’t give a damn. I kept thinking to myself, “I want her, I want her…” I couldn’t stop, didn’t want to stop. It would be over in seconds. I could feel it rise up.

I wasn’t prepared for the magnitude of the flood, however. The crescendo was hit, and I felt it all sail across my belly button, and over my chest. I didn’t moan—I yelped like a hurt puppy, and dug the back of my head into the pillow hard, grinning hard as the ecstasy of my sin thrummed across my body in waves.

And just as quick as the sensation came, it left, to be replaced by deep regret, and shame. But just... a little. It was all in my mind, it wouldn’t change how I looked at her, but damn, I felt guilty, for some reason…

I soon fell fast asleep, and fell into a void. A black featureless void.