That place… It was something new for the Hikari marriage. They were both silent inside a small waiting room, with a small table in the center with some magazines and a TV showing different landscapes. They never stopped to think about how the waiting room of a psychologist would look like. None of them had any reason to go to one before and, for quite a long time, they never thought they would need to.

That was until some months before.

Lan had always been a cheerful child, a normal kid from a normal city. He would go to school and play with his friends. He would sometimes skip his homework. And he sure loved going onto the Net along with his Net Navi Mega Man. However, for the last months, his attitude changed for the worse. He looked sad or even apathetic. His usual cheerfulness wasn’t exactly gone, but it felt strange, as if he was faking it. For a while, Haruka, Lan’s mom, thought about looking for a therapist. It was natural, she wanted to help her son. She believed his constant fights against cyber criminals ended up traumatizing him someway. But that idea became a reality when one day, Lan was sitting down on the couch, or more like thrown onto it, like something had drained his life… and then, he began to cry. Both Yuichiro, Lan’s dad, and she approached him, trying to understand what was going on, but Lan could only say:

“I hate it… I just hate it… What people say, how I am… I just… hate it…”.

Haruka could still hear those words echoing in her mind while waiting for Lan, who was talking to her new therapist in the next room. She looked askance at Yuichiro, inclined forward with his hands on his mouth. Thoughtful. He didn’t say anything, just kept staring forward. But his wife knew him very well. His mind was still trying to understand what was going on. That’s how his brain worked, continuously looking for answers. She was nervous as well, but at that moment, all she could do was lay a hand on her husband’s shoulder. When he looked at her, Haruka smiled, trying to comfort him. And it worked, even if just slightly. They both knew all they could do was waiting… but time sure flowed slowly.

After what seemed like an eternity, the door opened and a woman around her 40s with black curly hair came out. Unlike their worst expectations, her expression was kind. That gave them hope that things went well. But she didn’t say anything. Instead, she made a gesture with her hand to invite them inside, where Lan was sitting in a chair in the center of the room. The boy greeted his parents nervously. Haruka noticed his eyes a bit redish. Did he cry? No, that couldn’t be. She couldn’t even remember the last time Lan cried. The therapist sat next to Lan and invited the Hikari couple to sit down on a couch in front of them. The parents didn’t know what was going on and weren’t sure what to say or ask.

“I’ve been talking to your child. It was quite a fruitful session”, said the therapist with happiness. “Now, Hikari has something really important to share with both of you. Are you ready?”.

The Hikaris couldn’t understand. Why didn’t the therapist explain the problem directly to them? And why was she using his surname? They could see Lan was nervous, but not precisely in a bad way. It looked like he really wanted to talk, that there was something he wanted to say. Maybe he didn’t trust them? They knew very well not to pressure their child, so instead, they laid back on the couch, trying to look calm, although they were really nervous deep inside. Haruka smiled at Lan, trying to show him he could talk to them. And it worked. Still fidgeting, Lan took a deep breath and mumbled:

“Mom… Dad… I… I want to be a girl…”.

Those words still echoed inside Haruka’s mind an hour later, while they were driving back home. Her eyes seemed lost at the vastness of the starry sky. They sure spend a lot of time talking to the therapist, making sure they understood everything they were explained about Lan.

Lan was a transgender girl.

‘Transgender people’, people born with the opposite bodies. Or more like, people who were assigned a gender that didn’t fit them, no matter how their bodies looked or what they had. From the moment Lan was born, they all believed he was a boy. That was the common thing, right? Given the genitals he was born with. They believed they had a son and tried to raise him as one. But suddenly, they found out they actually had a daughter. That Lan’s suffering and sadness came from not being able to express as a girl and for everybody seeing Lan as a boy. Lan’s words made sense then. He hated how people referred to him and how he saw himself.

Both parents remained silent during the journey. They were still processing the news. Haruka looked at the rearview mirror, contemplating Lan asleep in the backseat. He seemed to be exhausted. Or maybe he was… relieved? It was still hard for them to believe, but the mother knew it was real. She could see it back during the session. When Lan came out to them, his eyes… they were so shiny, so pure… It was the first time their child talked with such honesty to them. For how long did Lan have that wish? For how long was he holding back? Reminiscing her past memories with her child, she noticed something strange, something that made her gasp slightly. Yuichiro noticed, but didn’t say anything. It was better to wait to get back home.

It was already late when they arrived to their house in ACDC Town. Still half-asleep, Lan said he wasn’t hungry and preferred going to sleep already. Truth was, the parents weren’t hungry either, their minds still thinking about their recent discovery. Haruka didn’t say anything. With her motherly smile, she accompanied Lan to his room and helped him get dressed. As the child laid on the bed and feel asleep almost instantly, he murmured: “G’night, mom…”. The mother looked at her child in silence, with half-closed eyes. Surprisingly enough, she could see it. Lan’s long hair falling down, his teary eyes… It was actually possible to see Lan as a girl. At that moment, she wanted nothing more than keep contemplating Lan, but she wanted to check on something. Instead, she left the room quietly and went to the living room.

Haruka didn’t have any intention to watch TV. Actually, she was tired as well. Even Yuichiro was, but he had to look at some work e-mails, his responsibility for taking that afternoon free to attend the therapist. She wanted to take that time to check something in a drawer below the TV: a photo album and a small case. The mother opened the album and looked at different pictures with lots of children in them, her eyes turning glassy instantly. She could remember those moments, but especially, she remembered things that she left aside, thinking there was no relevance in them.

“What are you doing?”.

Her husband’s voice surprised her. Yuichiro came out of his office. He sure was fast with work sometimes. Or maybe his mind couldn’t concentrate on work at that moment.

“Looking at old pictures”, answered Haruka, her voice full of melancholy. “Do you remember this?”.

Yuichiro sat down next to his wife and looked at the album. Haruka was pointing at one of the pictures. A lot of children were posing next to each other, all around 5 years old, wearing cute robes. At one side, a small child with brown hair that reached the back of their neck smiled shyly, their cheeks a bit pinkish.

“Yeah, when Lan got into kindergarten”, said Yuichiro. “Funny that he already had long hair back then”.

“Funny? Not really. It was not a coincidence”.

Haruka’s words sounded so deep, with a sad tone as well. Yuichiro didn’t know what to say at that moment, but he understood there was more into that picture.

“Before that, I took him to the stylist regularly to keep his hair short. And a bit after being 4, he began throwing tantrums. Every single time I took him there, he would cry and scream. He didn’t want to go there no matter what”, explained Haruka.

Yuichiro was surprised by that confession. He couldn’t remember that, but truth was, he wasn’t there during the usual day-by-day life. Back at that time, with all the technological advancements he and his team were working on, he couldn’t spend a lot of time with his family aside from weekends. But Haruka… she could remember those moments clearly.

“One day, I said ‘Ok, we won’t go then’. I really thought he would find the long hair annoying and let me cut it. But… he was happy. The more his hair grew, the happier he was. And… I never stopped to think why. Instead, I kept waiting for the moment to cut it”, said Haruka.

Apparently, Haruka had already noticed something that Yuichiro was not aware about. Something the therapist told them: there are sometimes signs that show a kid’s true gender. Lan wanting to have longer hair at such young age… It sounded impossible, but it was true. His wife was confirming it, right in front of him.

Then, Haruka left the album aside and picked up the case. After opening it, she took some pieces of paper that she handed to Yuichiro. They both saw sketches of girls with long hair, colorful dresses and sticks in their hands.

“Back then, there was this TV show about a group of witches doing magic. Lan loved that show”, confessed Haruka. “Everyday, he would bring one of these drawings from the school. He made sure not to skip one single episode. Always smiling and moving around, swinging a pencil like… doing magic”.

Haruka swung her right hand through the air slightly, as if drawing symbols in the air, but in a lazy and clumsy way. She frowned a bit. Somehow, not remembering exactly how Lan did it in the past was frustrating, so she returned her hand to the picture and continued:

“At one point, I worried because… he preferred drawing these girls than playing with other kids. Whenever I asked him ‘Why don’t you play with the other boys?’, he would say... ‘I don’t like playing with boys’. I… I really never got it”.

Yuichiro got a bad feeling. Hearing his wife, it felt like she wasn’t just describing the past. There was this regret in her voice. He could notice, how much Haruka was trying not to cry while she described all those memories. He tried to interrupt her, but there was no room for that. Instead, Haruka quickly picked the album again and showed him another picture with Lan just a bit older, next to a younger version of his friend Mayl.

“When he got to school, he became friends with Mayl. But he was so sensitive back then, always crying around”, said Haruka as she reminisced her son bawling for every tiny thing. “And every time, Mayl would always lend him a hand and protect him. Mayl was such a good friend, but I worried. He couldn’t be like that forever, right?”.

“Haruka, stop, ple-”, tried to say Yuichiro, but he was interrupted by his wife.

“And one day, I took him and said: ‘You have to stop crying for everything. You must grow strong like your dad’. And from that moment, he stopped crying. He did, but… but…”.

Haruka could barely keep talking. She was trying to hold back, but some tears began falling down her cheeks, her eyes full of sadness. Yuichiro didn’t know what to do or say. All he thought was resting his hand on her shoulder, as a sign that he was there to listen, that she could let it all out. And she really wanted to do it.

“But… he changed! He left aside all the things he liked! And I was not blind, he was forcing himself to be like the other boys, doing things he didn’t like just to be like them because I told him so! But I convinced myself, if he didn’t complain, there was nothing wrong, right? He would get used to that! But he never was truly happy! There was always this… falseness in his smile. And… and… It was all my fault!”.

That was the last straw. Deep inside her heart, Haruka understood how much Lan had suffered all that time. And the worst thing was… she blamed herself of that. The guilt of not trying to understand her child was too painful to keep hiding her tears. Looking for consolation, she let herself fall on her husband’s arms, who quickly hugged her.

“Don’t say that! It’s not your fault! We… we just couldn’t know!”, exclaimed Yuichiro in an attempt to calm his wife down.

“But it was there!”, protested Haruka. “Lan wanted to be a girl since so young and I took all that away from him. I never let him enjoy his childhood! I’m such a horrible-”.

“Don’t you dare say that!”.

Yuichiro exclaimed a bit louder than normal to his wife while grabbing her by her shoulders and making her look at him. For a brief moment, Haruka stopped crying, still sobbing occasionally. The surprise of seeing her husband being so intense shocked her.

“We did what we could, got it? Nobody taught us about transgender children. How could we expect something like this?”, insisted Yuichiro. “We thought Lan was a boy and did just whatever other families do. It’s not Lan’s fault nor ours. But I know very well you are a great mother”.

“How… how can you say that?”.

At that moment, it was hard for Haruka to believe such words. How could she bee a great mother when she ignored the signs that were right in front of her? When she raised her child just like everybody expected her to do instead of thinking about what Lan actually wanted? And still, she wished Yuichiro gave her the answer for those questions. Something that could release her from that guilt and pain. Like reading her mind and understanding that wish, he caressed her shoulders kindly and said:

“Because you are worrying now”.

Haruka gasped. She could still feel the album on her gap, her fingers caressing the pictures of the child she loved so much. She cared about Lan. Of course she did! That’s why it was so painful to think that she ignored Lan’s feelings for so long. But was that enough? While her mind was focused on those thoughts, Yuichiro took the back of her head and moved her gently towards him, making her rest on his shoulder. A hug. Her own blaming made her feel so lonely, but a simple hug was enough to remind her she wasn’t.

“You love Lan. I do as well”, asserted Yuichiro. “If you didn’t, if you were a bad mother, you wouldn’t be crying right now. You wouldn’t blame yourself. But you are. You care about Lan’s happiness. That’s how I know you are a great mother”.