SIXTEEN 

I hum with approval, but he tsks a bit. “This isn’t the view you want, though. It’s always better higher up.” And before I can question him, he’s shifting the camera to his back and standing on the bench, lifting himself up onto the roof of the carriage.

It sways again as he hauls himself up, and especially so when I move over to his side to watch him go, baffled. “You really are crazy.”

“I don’t laugh while fleeing military security.” He answers back while straining to get the rest of his body up. “I was starting to wonder if you were going to giggle with those Russians in the next room also.”

He can’t stand because the weight of the carriage is unbalanced, so I center myself again in the middle to help, but respond hotly to his teasing, “I laugh when I’m nervous. Not when I’m in life threatening situations.”

I hear him shuffle around above on the sheet metal roof. Then, he’s hanging his head over the edge. “A laughing fit while you’re scaling an old rusty machine isn’t exactly ideal either.”

“I think mine and your definitions of life threatening are a bit different.”

His eyes squint with a grin, then he beckons me over to him. He’s laying flat on the roof to better balance his weight, and the leverage helps him to haul me up and over, onto the roof with him.

 I lay also, towards the pastel sky. There wasn’t a single cloud today, and I couldn’t wait for the beautiful weather we had in store for us in the coming hours of adventure. We wait for the swaying of our carriage to stop and Lex to catch his breath, before he carefully centers himself and stands. He helps me to my feet as well, and I rise on my wobbly legs, letting him hold my upper arms to keep me steady. His hands are vices and despite my whole body feeling like it was shaking, the carriage steadies under our balanced weight. 

The height we’re at feels much more exhilarating this time. Just a gust of wind seems dangerous, but also a bit like how I imagine a bird feels flying. Face to the wind, swimming in the sky. Up here the wind has force, it’s closer to liquid than air. Like it could carry me away in the current.

He shifts the camera back to the front again, keeping the strap around his neck but letting me take it from over my shoulder and snap a few rapid shots from the left to the right. Maybe I could make a panorama with them later; that would be stunning.

“Enough admiring through a camera lens. Take it in for real now,” he says, stealing the camera away and securing it behind his back again. I give him a bit of an eye roll, but oblige, taking in a deep breath of the wind and absorbing our view. The wildness of Pripyat is beautiful up here. The way the earth envelops the last remnants of humanity. There’s so many buildings I couldn’t perceive from the ground due to the thick, overgrown forest. I recognized the town hall, and the hotel, Polissya, that the Guide had facetiously called the “Stalker Hotel”. Some buildings still look almost livable, especially from up here, and others were little more than mounds of rubble left.

“Now close your eyes.” His direction is to my ear this time, and the only thing keeping me from flinching is his hands holding me in place. I offer a nervous laugh but stifle it quickly, remembering my previous statement and not wanting him to clue in that I was on the precipice of those uncontrollable nervous giggles. When I don’t follow his demand this time, and his tone shifts as he reminds me, “You said you trusted me.”

I was beginning to regret that, to be honest, especially when he was using it against me. But I sigh off my anxiety and do as I’m told, letting my eyes shut, loosening my shoulders.

His hands shift on my arms, under, urging me to lift them gently. I resist a bit at first, not feeling as safe without his vice grip, but he shifts a fraction closer and I feel his chest on my back instead, grounded by his steady stance. So, with another terrified chuckle bubbling from my lips, I comply and stretch my arms out. I feel his fingers grazing under my forearms, barely there. Mostly, it’s just the wind though. Cutting across my arms and through my fingers. 

“You don’t need wings to fly, Wendy. Just happy thoughts.”

I can’t help but laugh at his cheese, and I want to turn and scowl at him, or give him a little shove to distract from the levity of the moment he’s manufactured for me, but I’m stuck here, still and totally in his control, because my shaky legs won’t keep me upright without his help. 

“If you’re going to show people Chernobyl, this is what they should see.” 

I hum in agreement, and add a secret while letting my eyes open again to take in the skyline. “Starting to feel like maybe I don’t want people to see this Chernobyl. I want to keep it for myself.”

I hear him exhale, a soft laugh in my ear. “Spoken like a true Stalker.”

My stomach lifts into my chest with the title. Both Mikey and Nico had already called me such, but it felt different from Lex, after his skepticism. I’d still felt like an outsider, until he said it. Now I feel accepted. Special. Changed.

I can’t help but turn my head to look at him, letting my arms settle back down to my sides. He steadies me again, hands on my upper arms when my shift to meet his gaze makes my shoulders lean further into his chest. 

His shining eyes take on another look when he meets mine, and when I can’t read the expression, I have the gnawing urge to reach up and pull that stupid mask down so I might be able to deceiver better what he’s thinking. I even raise a hand, slowly, like approaching a wild dog, and I’m sure it’s obvious my intentions, but he doesn’t even flinch. He just holds my gaze, until I want to look away because I can’t stand him seeing me so clearly, so closely, when I couldn’t see him. 

A whistle carries on the wind, mimicking a bird call, and Lex turns away. Free from his stare, I clasp the fingers of my reaching hand back together into a fist at my chest, and inhale a needed breath, not realizing how shallow my lungs had gotten in the elevation. 

On the ground below us, Mikey signals with fingers to his wrist.

“We’re out of time.” Lex translates for me. So, without further discussion, we descend.