Alex hated me.

My little brother hated me… He…

“Get away from me.”

He told me to get away from him like I was… Like I was a monster… Like everything we’d been through didn’t matter to him anymore just because I wanted to help our country… Just because he couldn’t understand why True Order had to keep fighting…

I kept running until my feet hurt and my lungs burned. I didn’t even know where I was going. Where was I even supposed to go now? I couldn’t go back to the grocery store. I had nowhere to go…

But I didn’t even care… I… Did I just lose my brother…? The only family I had left…?

Brother… Where…? my alpha asked in distress. Why… We… Leave…?

He doesn’t want us anywhere near him anymore… I whispered back, my heart breaking.

Why…? Little brother…?

I made him angry…

Then… Say sorry…

It’s… It’s not that simple…

Why…?

I was in too much pain to keep answering my alpha’s questions. I had to ignore it. There was nothing I could say to explain what was going on. It didn’t understand True Order. My alpha was so young it hardly understood my words.

But it understood I did something bad, and that confused it. It couldn’t understand why I would do something bad.

I stopped when I felt something cold around my feet and looked up to stare at the sea in front of me. The slow, small waves soaked my shoes, but the cold water soothed my burning feet. The sky was dark, and I couldn’t tell where the sea ended, and the sky started. It was just darkness in front of me. It was the first time I felt the tears I’d been shedding this entire time, but I didn’t bother to wipe them away. More were coming down, anyway, and…

Alex… Why couldn’t he understand…?

I couldn’t stop seeing his hateful eyes. I couldn’t stop hearing his angry voice telling me to get away from him. The pain in my heart grew worse and worse as I slowly began to understand how much I’d just lost.

Everything… I just lost everything… What was I supposed to do now…?

I had no idea how long I stood there, crying and staring into the darkness, my heart bleeding. At some point, I understood I had to go find shelter, a place to sleep. It was a half-hearted thought because I didn’t really care about myself at that moment. I didn’t care about what was going to happen to me now. I just wanted my brother back… What reason did I have to live if I didn’t have my little brother to protect?

When he told me to get away from him, did he mean he didn’t want to see me ever again…? Was this really it? Would he refuse to see me if I went back to him and ask him to hear my side of the story?

Would he forgive me if I promised to never see Zach again? If I promised not to say a word about True Order ever again? I could pretend I wasn’t on their side. I could stop supporting them.

I just wanted my brother back…

I sniffed hard and coughed a little before I finally turned around to face the city. I needed to go back and find a place to sleep. I just wanted to sleep… I couldn’t even think about what to do next. I was too hurt to think…

After a long, lonely walk back to the city, I found a quiet alleyway with several broken and forgotten dumpsters lining up the wall. I looked around, feeling more and more miserable. I suddenly missed my bed. I didn’t even care if it was too small for me… Now I had nothing. No mattress, no pillow, no blankets.

No company… No safety…

No brother… 

I fought so hard so I wouldn’t start crying again when I made my way closer to the dumpsters. One of them was fairly intact… The lid was still in all-right shape. I opened it all the way and rested it against the wall to form some kind of roof in case it started raining again. I looked around and spotted old, moldy cardboard boxes lying close by, so I went to get them to use as my bed. The ground was so dirty that even mold was a better mattress… I flattened the boxes and put them under the makeshift roof and stopped to stare at my new bed, then peered over my shoulder to see the street. It was so late… I doubted anyone would come this way… I’d be safe here…

I sniffed hard, then looked up at the sky, blinking.

It was just this one night… I’d find something better tomorrow… I’d done this before… I’d slept like this before… It would be all right… Maybe… Maybe I’d go see Alex in the morning… Maybe I should make sure he was all right…

Even if he didn’t want me as his big brother anymore.

Why…? my alpha tried asking again.

I didn’t reply to it.

The night was really rough. I couldn’t really sleep on the cold, hard ground. I was barely able to close my eyes, and I couldn’t stop crying. I felt so unbelievably miserable… I tried to figure out what to do, but all I could think of was Alex and his anger.

And that anger… When the sun started rising, and I got out of my hiding place… I chose not to go to him, after all. I couldn’t go to him. My heart couldn’t take that. I feared Alex would only get angrier at me, maybe even say something worse than just telling me to stay away. I couldn’t handle that. I didn’t want to see him hate me… I just had to hope Simon and the others would take care of him from now on. Alex liked them, after all.

And maybe… since I wasn’t standing in his way anymore… if he was smart… he would go back to the group home and get adopted like he was supposed to.

My path was going to be different. I still had one place to go, and a job to do, after all. I’d help True Order. I’d stay in the shadows and help them save this country. I would do it for my brother. Maybe one day he would see True Order was the hero we needed. If not… At least he could finally live in a safe world.

I got a little lost on my way to Zach’s place. I’d run so far away I couldn’t tell exactly where I was, but I did end up finding myself in a familiar area. Half an hour after that, I arrived at Zach’s building, waited for a moment for someone to let me inside, then I made my way up to Zach’s apartment. 

The entire time, my alpha was watching me in silence. My actions confused it, and it didn’t really know what to think of it. Of me. I tried to reassure it that everything was all right, that I would eventually fix things, but… I could feel a small hint of doubt in it.

I ignored my alpha when I knocked on Zach’s door, hoping he was still home. I listened quietly to the sounds behind the door, while trying not to breathe in the horrible smells too much. I wished he was still home… My alpha finally turned its attention to the apartment and told me there was someone inside.

He just wasn’t coming to open the door for me.

“It’s me, Josh,” I spoke after a few seconds of complete silence. “Please… I need to talk to you…”

Finally, I heard something behind the door, and a few seconds later, Zach carefully opened it and peered at me.

“If it’s about last night–” he started, his voice annoyed, but I interrupted him.

“No… Something else happened…” I muttered. “I need to talk to you.”

He opened the door even more, but didn’t step out of the way. He had a deep frown on his face, and he looked tired as hell.

“Please…” I muttered. “I have nowhere else to go anymore…”

“What did you do?” he asked, his voice now angry.

“I uh… You see…” I couldn’t tell him the whole truth… “Someone at the grocery store found out about you. They now know you’re working for–”

He hissed at me, grabbed me by my arm, and pulled me inside. I shivered when he slammed the door shut behind me, then sprung me around to face him.

“How did they find out?!” he asked.

For some reason, I wasn’t scared of his anger. “They knew all along! I heard rumors, and that’s why I reached out to you! But now they know about me as well since they put someone to spy on me!”

He growled at me, and shoved me against the wall, then marched to his kitchen. I breathed out, then followed him at a slower pace.

“I just thought I should tell you not to show your face around there anymore,” I said. “But now I need a place to stay. Can you help me with that?”

He was quietly cursing to himself the entire time, and I wasn’t sure if he’d heard a word I said, but when I tried to repeat myself, he turned to glare at me again.

“I heard you! But what am I supposed to do, huh? You can’t stay here. I’ve got no room even for myself in this fucking dump!”

“Where else am I supposed to go?” I asked him.

He stared at me like he wanted to yell at me. Then he turned his back on me, rubbing his temples. I stared at him for a moment longer, then looked down, letting out a breath.

“Never mind… I’ll figure something out…” I muttered and made my way to the door. “I’ll see you on Friday.”

The apartment stayed silent when I left and closed the door behind me. I felt even worse, if possible, when I made my way down the stairs, then exited the building. Even the fresh, clean air didn’t make me feel any better. I started walking without a destination, feeling… I felt a lot, but I chose to stay numb.

I had to… I’d never felt this alone in my life… But I couldn’t break down now. I had to find a place to stay. I had to figure out what to do. I didn’t even have money. Not a single penny. But I still couldn’t make myself care about any of that…

I just wanted my brother back…

*****

I didn’t really figure it out, but I somehow made it through the next few days. They were the longest, most miserable days of my entire life. I managed to keep myself numb as long as the sun stayed up. I was even able to keep myself from thinking about Alex. I stayed as far away from the grocery store as I could and spent my waking hours begging for money or food. I did get a few coins, so I wasn’t starving, but I missed Lorenzo’s breadsticks.

But when the sun set, things got rough. I searched for a hidden spot so I could rest. The first night, I crawled into an old, dried out sewer pipe, and the next, I slept under a small bridge. Both nights, I cried myself to sleep on the cold ground. I missed my brother so much… I wanted to go back to him… I wanted to beg for his forgiveness and plead for him to let me back into his life… To let me be his big brother again.

If only I wasn’t so afraid of his reaction… So… When the morning came both times, I forced my brother out of my head and went on with the day, trying to feel numb.

And the entire time, my alpha watched me in silence. It didn’t really want to talk to me unless it asked about Alex, and why we weren’t going back to him. I couldn’t give an answer it could understand. And for that… I could feel it was shifting away from me. Its trust in me was crumbling piece by piece because of how oddly I was behaving. It didn’t help when I got angry at it for not trusting me, or just ignored it, which I did most of the time.

But finally, it was Friday night, and I got something else to think about. Since my life had no other reason left in this world, I returned to Zach, ready to continue working to save this country.

I arrived at his place after sunset, and there already were a few of his friends waiting for him with their bikes. They all gave me suspicious looks, so I knew Zach had told them what I’d told him. I stayed away from their group and just leaned against the wall to wait. It didn’t take long for Zach to come out of the building. He noticed his friends first, and cheerfully greeted them, but then he spotted me lurking nearby, and his expression dropped. He told the guys to get the bikes ready, then made his way to me, his expression blank.

“I wasn’t sure if you’ll come,” he said, his voice tentative.

“I told you I’d be here,” I said, standing up and crossing my arms.

“Did you… find a place to stay?” he asked.

“No,” I said.

He stared at me for a moment, then nodded slowly. “Look… I’m sorry. I didn’t take the news well. I should’ve helped you, so… Once today’s gig is over, I’ll ask the guys if anyone knows a place where you can stay, okay?”

I shrugged. “Okay.”

He nodded again, then awkwardly patted my arm. “Come. Let’s get to work.”

That we did. Zach’s friends were still giving me suspicious glances, but stepped out of the way when I took the bike Zach pointed me to. I had the feeling none of them was going to offer me a place to stay…

The job was the same as always, but this time, we stayed away from the center. I assumed Zach was a little wary of the place after we almost got caught last time. I… I didn’t really care… If we got caught, then… Well… What did I care anymore…?

It was hard to find anything to steal. It took almost half an hour before Zach managed to grab a bag, but it was a small one. The girl screeched after us, so I assumed it was a safe bag to keep. We moved to a different area quite fast after that, but we didn’t have any better luck. Soon, I noticed us circling toward the center again, and finally, I was able to grab a bag as well.

When we dropped them off in a whole new location, I was tempted to ask what happened to the guys at the gas station. I assumed they were all in jail now, and the bags we worked hard to get got confiscated. I was going to ask, but then I realized I didn’t really care. My ability to care was gone.

The rest of the night went by all right, I guess. I just followed Zach, and if I saw a bag, I snatched it. Driving around was almost soothing. I had to focus on keeping the bike on the road and searching for bags to steal, so I didn’t have time to think about Alex. I didn’t have to keep forcing myself not to think about him. It was a break I needed. It was easy to stay numb.

Then we heard sirens in the distance. Zach immediately drove his bike into a hidden alley, and I followed him. He turned his engine off and gestured for me to do the same.

“Let’s hide for a moment,” he told me. “Come… We need to find a good spot…”

I nodded and followed. I took my helmet off so I could listen while we pushed the bikes deeper into the alleyway. There was a larger space at the back between the buildings, so we hid behind the corner and sat down to wait. It wasn’t just one cop car we heard, and more of them joined the hunt.

“You think they got one of our guys?” I asked, and he sighed, shaking his head.

“Don’t know, but they are figuring out how to catch us,” Zach muttered, looking pissed as he peered around the corner. “They didn’t care about us until you knocked over that omega slut… A senator’s son was banging him… Now they’re all pissed.”

I straightened my posture. “You know what happened to him?”

“I heard he lives, but got his face rearranged,” he told me quietly. “You don’t read the news?”

“…Would need to know how to read to do that…” I mumbled.

“You don’t know how to read?” he asked me.

I shrugged. “Kind of, but it’s hard. What do I care about reading, anyway? Can’t eat words.”

He snorted in amusement at my joke. “You see how that’s fucked up? The omegas wanted to learn how to read so they stole education from us. Now they can read and we can’t, but what’s the point when they’re too stupid to understand what they’re reading, right?”

I just nodded. I didn’t really care right now… Maybe I did, but the familiar anger and sense of injustice didn’t overwhelm me this time. Maybe because…

Because I’d still have my brother if I hadn’t met Zach…