Chapter VII

I started to hang out with Daniel and his friends more and more. At first it was every weekend. But then, I started hanging out on weekdays after classes. And then, I started to bunk classes too, ‘cause I wanted hoes first, academics later.

I didn’t end up “gettin’ some” like at the party. But even then, I’d show up at Daniel’s lavish four-bedroom apartment located in the heart of the city for three things: booze, weed and coke. By the end of the first sem, I was strung on all three. It kept whatever shitty thoughts I had well away. But, yeah, I felt like I’d lost touch with my inner self too…

A small price to pay for not having to worry about anymore.

My GPA was tanking, my attendance was poor, and there really wasn’t a shred of anything good in my life, academics aside. And of course, Ravi’s visits kept bugging me. What the hell did he want? I tried to ask him when we were playing football one day, but decided against asking. I did shoot a pissed-off glare at him though. Bastard shied away once he saw its intensity.

But even under the influence of all three of my new-found vices, my heartbreak was still very real. I still thought about Anamika. I couldn’t help but sob as her face passed through my mind. Why did I want her so bad? Was it a way of me reaching out, and hoping that if someone else gave me a love so pure, it’d rid me of all my mind’s problems? Did I actually want her as her? Or just a trophy—“Look guys! This is my girlfriend…”? I groaned as the weight of these questions bogged down my mind. I took a straight swig of Jack’s, and winced as the fiery sauce trickled down my throat. I exhaled deeply.

“Fuck’s wrong with you?” asked Daniel, “You’ve been sighing deeply for the past hour, man! Spill the tea…”

“No tea…” I mumbled, “No coffee… Just, disappointment.”

“You ask him for what bothers him, the fucker will spill the longest sob story you ever heard,” quipped Devesh.

“Well, we got time. Shoot, Athul…”

I dunno why, but I laid my soul bare in front of him. He just… listened. Nodded. Understood it all. I felt calmer after I told him everything.

“Girls were put on this Earth to fuck with us…” he started after I vented. “Especially pretty ones. Lemme tell you a quick story. So, I had a crush on a girl I met in the Mech department of my college. They were holding an exhibition or something, and she was seated behind a table. I walked up, said hello, introduced myself… all that polite bullshit. And then, I snagged her IG.”

He sighed, and puffed on his blunt in a frustrated way. His face was held in such a way that it was like he was pulling a knife out of his chest.

“She didn’t respond to my DMs, sadly. Until one day, after persistent messaging, I got a reply: “If you have anything to say, say it”. My heart went aflutter. I hesitated. I said “Should I really say it?” Bitch kept egging me on. “C’mon, just say it!” Finally, I snapped. I confessed. I liked her. A lot…”

He wiped his face, opened and closed his eyes real quick, and continued with his story.

“Then came the questions: “Why do you like me?”, “What do you see in me?”. And an hour later, after laying my soul bare, she drops the bomb. She’s taken. I’m shattered. This could have ended an hour back, and yet she didn’t say it first. Bitch was toying around with my heart. I feel sorta bad for the boyfriend though—what sort of a fucking bitch talks like this to a guy they just met? I guess she had some “ho” in her—she’s for the streets, dawg. Fuck her…”

A pause. A puff of the blunt. And then, Daniel started his closing speech.

“They assume just ‘cause I’m rich, I can snag whoever’s heart. I can get hoes, yeah, but love? Can’t buy that shit. After that incident, I never tried to get anyone’s heart. I fucked my heartbreak away, man. I even fucked her best friend, if you want some crazy news! Love doesn’t exist. It’s a mirage—get close, it vanishes. So, shut the fuck up about “Oh, she’s perfect. She has to be mine”—no! Girls will be girls. Call me misogynistic, but I ain’t ever found a girl that’ll love me the way I want!”

That lore drop, man… I couldn’t say a word after that. Neither could Devesh, the usually talkative fella. I stared at the floor, unsure what to say, or what to think. What to feel…

**********

Days of booze, coke, cheap perfume, lost hope and misremembered hits of euphoria bled into one another. I couldn’t keep track of time.

I started to attend classes only to ensure that I had a 75% minimum attendance. I copied results for the lab records from my friends. By the time the first sem drew to a close, I became the typical “loafer student”. Doing the bare minimum, and hoping to stay afloat. It was tough on my brain. Or, it would have been tough if I had a brain capable of processing the situation.

Fried. No other word in the English lexicon was more apt to describe my brain by then. And everyday, I was inching closer to full brain shutdown.

Nothing seemed to matter anymore. All I cared about was maintaining the haze. The bubble I’d built for myself. At this point, I wasn’t even heading back home much. My mother started to get worried, but didn’t say anything. I didn’t bother calling back, reading her messages, or even telling her where I was going.

Every day when I was home, I noticed an extra crease of worry snake over her forehead.

We would just coast through town on our bikes, Devesh, Daniel and I, high as kites, without a care in the world. No helmets, no fucks given. Every day felt like I was coaxing death to come closer, to snatch me away from this meaningless reality I was now stuck in. And yet, the haze. If I died, I’d miss out on the haze of the drugs. The things that were killing me from the inside out were also the only things keeping me alive, ironically.

I was now particularly fond of using codeine, alongside fat puffs of weed. It made me slump down, and relax. Unlike coke, which got me agitated. Which was something I did not want to be.

So while the homies snorted lines, I headed to another room to slot down a mix of weed, codeine and booze that I liked to call “Hell’s Toilet Water”. One gulp, and out went the worries.

And right after the high died out, we’d ride bikes out in the chilly 9 pm air.

That was my life now. Wasted potential, some might say. I was sorta sad that I’d dug my own grave academically, but I wasn’t mentally fit enough to give a shit then.

And then, shit got crazier. Somehow.

The shoe store shutter was up after closing time, that night. Daniel had promised to buy us Jordans for a long time, and so that was exactly why we stopped our bikes right in front of the store. It was time to pester him again.

“Da, Daniel, bro. We need ‘em J’s, like, right the fuck now.” complained Devesh.

“Yeah, it’s been a week since you said you’d hook us up with ‘em…” I added.

“You know I’ll hook you up soon, maccha…” he said, brushing aside our bitching. “But if you want ‘em so bad…” A cheeky grin formed on his face.

He turned to face us. “Y’all ready for something crazy?”

And that is how I found myself smashing open the glass doors of the shoe store in my drug-fuelled haze. The glass splintered and cut my hands, but I was too numbed out to care.

Fat little drops of carmine mingled with the glass shards below as I walked into the store. Daniel gingerly mopped up the blood splatter with a handkerchief, as if he’d done this a million times. “Fucker’s getting sloppy…” he mused.

“Wh—what?” I said.

‘Nothing…” he crooned.

I prayed that the makeshift masks Daniel had fashioned out of trash bags would hide my face completely.

What followed after we got into the store was shenanigans. We tried on, and threw away all the shoes we got our hands on, till we found ourselves some sick kicks. And then, it was go time. In fresh imported J’s, and clutching our old shoes in hand, we crunched over the glass and dashed towards our bikes.

And then we were off! I felt exhilarated. We had broken the law in private by using illegal shit, but now we were breaking the law in public.

I felt awesome! I felt untouchable. I felt… scared?

“Da, maccha!” I yelled, ‘What if they find us from our DNA? Head back, head back!”

Daniel said nothing, and just smirked.

“Bro, now is not the time to be nonchalant. I ain’t headin’ to jail, man.”

Still just a smirk.

“You asshole—speak, motherfucker!”

He started cackling. Even as the air roared past us, I could hear it loud and clear. I was starting to get really pissed.

“You think this is a fuckin’ joke, rich boy?”

“Bitch, chill the fuck out. Keep drivin’. That store…” Daniel kept chuckling, “… Is owned by my dad.”

Iwas stunned. So that’s why he wasn’t giving much though to the whole affair. And even though this one statement cleared the air, he kept going.

“Probably will have to tell Dad to fire the bitch who left the shutter open…”

We pulled up to Vanchikulam. As we relaxed by the shore of the pond, whose surface was illuminated by soft green, yellow and blue LEDs, Daniel dug up an old topic. “You remember the bitch who wasted my time?”

“Yeah?” I said non-committally, as I stared at the rippling black water below.

“Well, there’s one more plot twist…”

I sighed, and wiped my cheek with my right pointing finger. “Shoot…”

“Not only did I fuck the bitch’s best friend…” A wide grin crept up his lips.

With that stupid toothy grin plastered on his face, Daniel looked like the Cheshire Cat if the bitch was stoned as hell. Which he probably was—hell, everyone in Wonderland was prolly stoned as a motherfucker. Especially that caterpillar. He continued speaking.

“… I also got closer into the bitch’s circle…”

I raised my eyebrow. “What do you mean—her sister?”

He lightly shook his head. “Nah…” He came closer to whisper something into my ear. When there was just half a hair’s distance between his lips and my ear, he whispered, “I fucked her boyfriend too…”

I was stunned. I pivoted my head back to see Daniel grinning like a skull on display in Zoology class. I had no idea he swayed that way.

“Nicest ass I ever tapped,” he mused with a sigh. Seeing the perplexed look on my face, he broke into laughter. He slapped my shoulder. I flinched away. “No need to scoot away, brother. It’s a fuckin’ joke!”

His eyes stared into mine for a milli-second too long, though.

And as the night ended, and I curled into bed, a small part of me wished that he stared a bit longer…

Not that I swing that way or something…

Or do I?

Some questions, we’re just too afraid to find the answers for…