He blinked.

In the darkness of his mind, the sound of his own breathing woke him up.

Thin strips of light pushed weakly through the automatic curtains. His lips were dry.

His mind snapped to alert, once again waking up in the beast's den. He felt every sense lock into place the moment his eyes opened. He wasn't going to lie to himself: for a brief moment he entertained the idea of staying exactly where he was, waiting for Jared to wake up beside him, and simply watching the world burn.

He smiled. Immediate anguish erased it.

His mind ran the scenario fast — the argument, the explanation, the irremediable end of their friendship, the possibility of having to change universities if the Rickdorf family decided to make it their problem.

No. He couldn't lose everything for this.

Slowly, carefully, he tried to move his limbs. They felt heavy. Several sharp lashes of pain made him swallow a moan. He turned his head, Jared was still there, which he already knew. Unlike the first time, he wasn't nervous. He was exhausted. He looked down at himself and grimaced, it was disgusting. He sat up slowly. He would have loved to move with more speed. Impossible. Luckily Jared was deep under.

He remembered the knotting and wanted to put his head through a wall. With dread he checked the inside of his legs but no bleeding, nothing similar. Small mercies. Though it was too early to celebrate, he had no way of knowing if there was internal damage, and the doctor's warning was impossible to ignore. He took a slow breath before moving again. Every inch of his body hurt. He didn't know how he was going to get home. He needed something strong for the pain.

He tried to organize his thoughts. He didn't even know how much time had passed since he'd arrived. He remembered Jared's phone, the call from last night. That needed to be handled. He looked for it but it wasn't in the room. With superhuman effort he stood, and moved slowly to the living room, pulling the bedroom door shut behind him. Eyes stinging with every step, he picked up his clothes off the floor and got dressed as he went.

Something caught his eye on the entrance table, next to a blister pack of pills, the phone. He looked at the packaging. Four pills missing. He recognized the name: migraine medication. When had he taken those? He checked his own phone for the time. Over twelve hours had passed, short for an alpha's rut, but the migraine drug could act as an inhibitor in certain cases. He held onto that. His mind tempted him with the idea of showering before leaving. He could feel dried fluids on his skin and it turned his stomach — but a shower would take too long, and right now watching the world burn felt like an extremely expensive hobby.

He wanted out. Now.

He grabbed Jared's phone, unlocked it, deleted the call history, and turned it off completely. Already dressed, he picked up his shoes and carried them in his hand. He smiled faintly at himself, his fugitive strategies were improving. He left the apartment, this time leaving the door slightly ajar, and with his head down made for the emergency exit stairs. He moved as fast as he could, mostly because he didn't want anyone to see him like this. Halfway down he realized he still hadn't put his shoes on. He stopped and put them on. Same exit as last time, same metro station. Head down, jacket closed. A few people glanced at him — he didn't care. He probably looked like someone sleeping off a rough night on the streets. While crossing through the station to exit on the opposite side, he opened the taxi app and requested one. He knew the stop was further out, but the app meant no wait and no conversation, he could enter the destination without having to speak to anyone. He came out the other side, found the car, and got in.

The driver spent the entire ride watching him through the rearview mirror. The man was around sixty. He asked twice if Leo was okay or if he needed to go to a hospital.

Did he really look that bad?

He tried to answer. Could barely manage. He paid and the man said goodbye with visible concern.

He arrived home, got the door open, and the moment it closed behind him he slid down to the floor. He simply couldn't move his legs anymore. He stayed there for a long while. He'd planned to take a brief rest, when he opened his eyes, it was dark outside. He took out his phone and threw it across the room so he wouldn't look at it. He checked the clock in the small dining area — he'd slept about five hours. He was shivering with cold.

He sat up as best he could and couldn't help laughing quietly. The treatment for genital pain had turned out expensive in the end, it was the only area that genuinely didn't hurt.

Dragging his feet, he made it to the bathroom, got his clothes off, and stepped under the hot shower. Without knowing exactly why, he started crying like a child. He suddenly felt so empty.

He promised himself it was the last time he would answer Jared's rut.

He felt like garbage. Now that the euphoria and the pleasure were behind him, reduced to nothing but memory. His skin was covered in hickeys, in marks. His entire body sticky with sweat and dried fluids, his hair matted, pain making every movement a negotiation. All of that was too high a price for one night. He rinsed his face, reached for soap, and ran it over every inch of himself until he was covered in peach-scented foam. He rinsed off. Came out with slightly more strength. Freezing cold. He wrapped himself in the towel and found warm pajamas. He couldn't walk much, so he sat down, rested, then made it to the medicine cabinet.

Empty. Nothing for pain.

He considered sleeping through it. He knew he wouldn't. He went and picked up his phone from where he'd thrown it — low battery. With fear he checked the screen. Nothing alarming. He unlocked it. No messages from Jared. His silence, for once, was a gift.

One name caught his eye.

Lenny had written to ask if everything had gone okay.

Before he'd made a conscious decision, he pressed call.

Lenny answered immediately. Leo was grateful he skipped the strange greeting, as if he'd been waiting.

"Lenny, I know that—" Leo started, already trying to apologize.

"Tell me what you need. I already have your address."

"Something for the pain. Something strong."

"Okay. Should I bring food?"

"Please."

"See you soon."

Lenny had already hung up. Leo exhaled, and without meaning to, fell asleep. The doorbell woke him. For a few seconds he opened his eyes scared then remembered. He sat up with a groan and went to open the door. Lenny scanned him the way he always did, this time checking that he was in one piece.

"Go to bed."

Leo felt Lenny's gaze fixed on his back as he turned.

"Drop the pride. Do you need help?"

Leo shook his head firmly and kept moving, slower than usual. When he reached the room and got into bed, he felt a small pang of guilt. It was either call Lenny or call his mother and he couldn't face his mother's questions right now.

He drifted off again. Opened his eyes to a hand gently moving through his hair. Lenny's worried gaze. He was someone who expressed very little — very little — but at that precise moment, he looked concerned. He'd brought soup, fed him a few spoonfuls, then helped him take the painkiller.

"It's strong. It'll kill the pain but it'll put you out." Leo nodded. "Can I examine you?"

Leo looked at him confused.

"I'm not going to ask questions. But spending a rut with an alpha when you're alpha or beta can be extremely dangerous. I need to press on some areas, not your genitals. Is that okay?"

Leo nodded.

Lenny smiled at him, genuinely soft, and for a moment Leo felt safe. He applied pressure across the central torso, the upper abdomen, the side, the lower abdominal area, which was still sensitive enough to make Leo hold his breath. Then he sat back.

"I'm not a doctor. But if you don't feel better tomorrow, go to the emergency room."

"How do you know all this?"

"Long story. I'd need to be pretty drunk to tell it."

Leo looked at him — somewhere between amused and unsettled.

"All of that is in the past now." Lenny checked his watch. "I'm going to leave. But first,  fever reducer. You're burning up. It's probably related, don't worry."

Leo looked at him.

"Do you want to be my new specialist?"

Lenny laughed quietly. For a second something crossed his eyes, something that looked like sadness.

"Medicine fascinates me. I just couldn't practice it." He glanced toward the bathroom. "By the way, what do you want me to do with the clothes you left on the floor? Burn them?"

Leo started laughing. Regretted it immediately when the pain shot through his abdomen.

"Yes," he said, without thinking. "Throw them away." He wanted to erase the night from his mind which was going to be considerably harder.

#

The painkiller Lenny had given him was miraculous. Eighteen hours of sleep, and every one of them worth it. He woke up renewed. The pain was almost completely gone, which Lenny, when he told him, said was a good sign. He reminded him again, firmly, that he needed to find a specialist.

The only thing that remained was the headache, and a fever that hadn't fully broken. He found his phone plugged in, Lenny must have done it the night before. He turned it on to check the study groups, he should have been at university that day and hadn't made it. Several messages in one of the groups. 

Worried, he opened it  and found that Lenny had already spoken to two of his study companions and arranged for them to send him the material from the first two days. Then he saw Lenny's private message: stay home one more day, and wash thoroughly — alpha pheromones after knotting could linger and give him away.

Leo realized he hadn't even thought about it. Last time he'd used a neutralizer. He did a quick search on what was recommended after knotting specifically. The results were not encouraging, knotting pheromones could persist on the receiver's skin for up to five days. He wasn't willing to miss more classes. He went to a pharmacy, got advice, and left with a kit: neutralizing soap, neutralizing spray, and a perfume as a third layer, specifically for ultra-dominant alpha pheromones.

The neutralizer was fine. The perfume was awful. But it was either that or cigarettes, the latter was a known method for masking pheromones but he never smoked. He'd endure the perfume.

On the third day he was back.

He still had a low fever and it was starting to worry him but it was the only symptom left. His body was exhausted in a way that went beyond the physical. He would have loved to talk to Lenny that day, but he was at a conference with his class and wouldn't be back until late.

He knew absolutely nothing about Jared.

cont. part two.