Breathe in. Breathe out. It's fine. You're fine. It'll all be fine. You look "exceptional," you are "cute," and you can get way more game than those cuckold Australasian robins. Wait, what?

As I walked through the plaza, watching as the warm radiance of lampposts gradually flickered into existence to compensate for the sun's dismissal, I repeated the past outing in my head over and over again.

It was at that moment that I'd realized that I had been shamelessly beaming to myself ever since Alu and I had parted ways. Nope, stop it. I pulled at my cheeks, noting their rubbery quality as I smoothed the expression from my face.

That girl was more of a mystery than I could've ever imagined. She spit facts like data outputs one second, then spoke like she was accompanied by floating rose petals the next.

All in that same, flat, analytical monotone. Talking to her was like eating astronaut rations that looked like bland cubes but tasted like a 16-hour nap. And to top it all off, I didn't even know what she looked like.

Come to think of, I really didn't know anything about her. Or the vile temptress who'd coaxed me into a same-sex date, for a matter of fact. It was literally my first day on the job.

Ok, one girl at a time, Ethel. I slapped my cheeks. That was the gayest thought I'd had all- no it wasn't. It was time to slay this beast and find out what PARALA really meant... no matter how dumb it was.

And with that, I found myself before the establishment known as the Dry Eyes Saloon. As you would've expected from a location with "saloon" in its name, the rustic signage was instantly reminiscent of one ripped right from a cowboy western.

I don't think I'd be surprised if there was a spit bucket by the entrance, really. Other than the signage, disappointingly, the entrance was marked by several French doors typical of a modern diner. I guess it was much more secure than the typical batwing door, but disappointing, nonetheless.

Wait, was this place fancy? I would've expected a place someone like Lilith invited me to be basement-level and only accessible via staircase and a bolted door. One of those places you might see some guys daring each other to drink out of a spew bucket, while the others had intercourse on the tables. Or maybe there'd even be a "special entertainer" capable of shooting ping-pong balls out of her unmentionables.

Hopes above sea level, I tried to push one of the doors open, realized it was one of those half-locked French doors, then pushed through its twin and stepped into the saloon.

Exterior aside, it was quite literally just a diner with a bar in its center, and a classy one at that. And there I saw her, sitting alone at the bar, and it looked to me like Lilith was also trying out the "sage grouse" strategy because-

'My eyes are up here, sweetheart~'

Shit. Why was I like this? Because she was stacked, that's why. Any other straight girl would've done the same. Yeah.

Taking a moment to examine the rest of her outfit, leatherbound, spiky and revealing, I peeled my eyes away from her chest.

'Eve- evening. Let's get down to business,' I stammered, before attempting to achieve businesslike composure.

'Sure, honey~ take a seat~' she purred, patting the stool beside her. Trying to keep my eyes above stool-height, I promptly placed myself next to Lilith.

It was at that moment I think Lilith noticed my outfit, because her eyes widened as she did the exact same thing she'd accused me of a second ago. Hypocrite.

'My eyes are also up here- so, um- uh... how do I...' I trailed off, eyes suddenly affixed to the floor.

'Oh, darling it looks stunning on you~ but it'd look much better on my bedroom flo-'

'Nope, none of that,' I stopped her, hand clasped fully over the lower half of my face. I knew my face was burning up, but more from the crude comment than the "stunning" compliment.

There was something different about it. It felt so... performative? Or was it just the right word to describe the dress? I for one had been stunned by the sight.

But, for some reason, when the word rolled off her tongue it felt... plastic. Maybe because she immediately undercut it with saying she wanted it off me.

It was then that I realized I hadn't covered my mouth in embarrassment; I had been stifling a sob. I could feel hot tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. No, no, no, no, no, no. This was not happening.

'I- I need to go... to the bathroom- cramps...'

I lied, running off with my face covered, and Lilith's mask was momentarily cut by a look of utter perplexity before it slipped back into a sly smile.

Ugh. She probably thought her comment had some monumental effect on my heterosexuality, or something. If that was the case, I didn't want to imagine what she thought I was going to the bathroom for.

I pushed my way into the women's bathroom, and glanced around before I steadied myself by a sink. The stalls were a ghost town. Perfect. And with that confirmed, I blubbered uncontrollably, allowing the torrent of tears to thrash my makeup as I stood gripping the counter.

What was wrong with me? It wasn't a big deal, was it? Was it? I was just here for one thing only, and that was to find out what PARALA stood for, so why did this upset me so much? Why... did it hurt?

Did I really need some extravagant stranger to see me that bad? When she looked at me, it looked more like she was eyeing a piece of meat than a woman. And yet, it was like she was looking right past me. She didn't want to see me naked, she wanted to see me nude.

Deep breaths. C'mon, stakeout, Ethel. You promised a drink for information, so get on with it. I realized my fingers were glued to the counter, and I couldn't even gather the strength to look at the mess I'd become in the mirror.

Finally, breathing ragged, I pulled myself up to examine the glitter that smeared my cheeks. Shit. It was bad. Worse, it was worse.

I promptly splashed some water on my face, rinsed the remaining muck off, dislodged myself from the counter, and marched right out. I couldn't tell Alu her plan had failed... because I for one felt like I looked... good, for once. Beautiful, even.

'Ugh- man, I feel like a woman,' I declared, using my arm to wipe the remaining snot from my face.

'Took you long enough, I was getting thirsty~' she teased, looking me up and down as I swaggered towards the bar.

'Bartender, get me and this fine lady your uh- finest- Jungle Juices with Everclear... uh, neat... yeah,' I declared with a false sense of bravado, that was only going to escalate once I received the liquor.

'You don't drink much, do you? Please just don't throw up on me, dearie~'

'I- uh- no... how could you tell?'

'Well, you did order a cocktail with possibly the highest alcohol base in the bar, and made it some college-freshman-ass punch~ wait, are you trying to get me drunk~'

'Precisely- I mean, no... just trying to y'know, live the college life I didn't,' I chuckled nervously. Truth is, I was trying to get me drunk.

'Wait- I'm paying for this, right?'

Lilith nodded in reply. 'You did offer to buy me a drink~'

Shit. And I already spent so much on the dress, there was no way I was going to be able to cover that, drinks, and dinner. I slumped down to my seat. Lilith promptly ordered a large bowl of wedges to split between us.

'Huh- wait, what?' I stammered, and she just looked at my with a knowing, sly grin.

'One drink~ I'm not letting you go hungry... and something about the... color of your dress is... getting me in the mood to eat out~'

'Ha-ha what?' I asked stupidly. Eat out. As in eat outside of one's home, stupid. I berated myself, then I slouched down on the stool, tapping my fingers to the beat of whatever song the saloon was using for ambience.

Chappell Roan. You've got to be shitting me. Did she catch me? Yes, and she was staring at me in utter amusement, like a cat watching its traumatized prey it had been batting around for hours on end.

'So... what about this particular song do you like, Ethie?' she goaded me, and I could physically feel my cheeks flushing bright pink.

'Um... the- uh...' at that moment, the wedges and cocktails arrived, and I promptly shoved a handful of wedges in my mouth before downing it with a mouthful of Jungle Juice. A horrid amalgamation of tastes.

'Think you can relate or something, Ethel? I didn't even think you'd ever dated anyone, much less a girl~'

She continued to wind me up, gently picking a wedge from the bowl and gracefully wrapping her lips around it, before taking a small chunk off with her teeth.

'Uh- well, we're all young and stupid at some point, right?' I sighed, looking down at my glass before I took a big swig. Maybe younger me would've wished she was right, but we were not going to get into that.