Breathe in. Breathe out. Shit. I was so screwed. My mind was racing like a hamster on a wheel... on meth; it wasn't going anywhere, and it was going to have a heart attack and cronk out soon.

My thoughts kept lapping around to the same goddamn girl, when they should've been pelted at this goddamn Biology test. And a final, at that. I was so utterly screwed.

My eyes were suddenly drawn to the front of the room, affixing themselves to the back of Mara's head. She had such great hair... silky, chestnut lochs bundled into two cute-as-shit buns. Just staring at her was enough to make all my worries melt away... and that was not what I needed right now.

I flipped my gaze back to the test paper. Homeostasis this, homeostasis that, homeostasis- girl, I was having a homo-crisis. I sighed, and yet, try as I may, it was still the furthest thing from my mind.

I needed to get this shit off my chest... then maybe my heart would stop ramming itself against my ribcage every time my thoughts so much as drifted her way.

That's it. After I absolutely flunked this test, like all the others this semester, I'd ask her out- or something. Yup, ask her - to hang - out. I mean, really it'd only be short-term pleasure to precede the threat of police academy... but that was fine.

As the test drew near its conclusion, I scrawled in what I could scoop off the top of my head – or pull out my ass – that didn't require an ounce of mental functioning. Then, after handing in my paper, I promptly faceplanted onto the desk and feigned sleep.

The second the bell marked the end of seventh period, I sprung out of my desk and made my way over to Mara. 'Hey~ Mara~ would you maybe wanna hang out with lil' ol' me this fine evening?' I chirped, swiveling my hips with hands clasped behind my back as I made my offer.

'Ugh- I thought you'd never ask, today's been such a drag... I'd love to finish it off with someone fun like you,' she replied with a yawn and a stretch followed by weird popping noises.

I couldn't help but study her like a still-life... those mesmerizing lashes, those stunning blue eyes... her soft, beautiful skin... I was neck-deep in her beauty, and I only sunk quicker when I tried to struggle.

I felt my face flash hot red with that, before asking her to clarify. 'You mean something fun like hanging out, right?'

'No~ I meant I wanna hang out with you, dumbass. I've been looking forward to you asking me ever since the afterparty at Maddie's,' she giggled, 'I really wasn't expecting to see you there, y'know... you never really hang out with anyone, you just nap in that empty classroom during break... so no, I don't want to hang out with someone fun like you, I want to hang out with you-' she pressed the tip of my nose, and I swear I could feel steam pooling off the tips of my ears.

'How am I fun? You just said I sleep all break- also how do people know that?' I questioned, baffled by both her tone, and the fact it was somehow common knowledge that I holed myself up during break to avoid talking to people.

'You just are, dumbass,' she giggled again, and I felt my heart go aflutter. There was no way this was a crush, I thought to myself as I looked down at her shiny, plump natural lips. What was wrong with me?

I never felt like kissing the guys I'd had crushes on in the past. Sure, I'd do it, but it wasn't something I craved or even wanted. Well, I'd do it if I ever went through with any of my crushes, or even reciprocated the feelings of the guys that did ask me out.

Maybe girls were just pretty enough for wanting to kiss them to be a normal experience for heterosexual girls and guys alike? Like, that was just something girls did already, right? I just wouldn't know because I didn't have any female friends before I met Mara a few weeks back. Yeah, that made sense.

'Ok, so would you, like, wanna hang out at the beach, or something...' I asked, my voice unusually hushed.

'Ooh~ the beach at night... it's a date~' she responded, her tone teasing and a touch sultry. She was probably joking, but just the mere mention of a date sent me straight to cloud nine.

'Uh- yup, uh-huh... meet you at eight?' I stammered, feigning and completely failing at nonchalance before I briskly trotted out of the class without giving her the chance to respond. Once I was out of Mara's sight, my awkward trot quickly built up to a skip to my locker.

Tonight was the night I'd finally get my feelings for Mara in order. Find out whether or not I really would want to kiss, or even date, a girl.

● ● ●

Vision blurry, hot tears streaming down my face, I ran as fast as I could through pitch blackness. I couldn't see where I was going, and I didn't give a soaring shit.

Salty snot streaked down my face, pooling at my upper lip. Ugh. I was so pathetic. What did I think was going to happen?

Why did I say that, why did I do that? I had done everything I could've possibly done horribly wrong.

I was so tangled in my thoughts I barely spoke the whole time, and when I did, I just blurted out my gay ass observations after completely ignoring everything she said that evening. I felt like such a dude.

'I think I might have like... weird feelings for you, like I wanna ki-' and then she kissed me, just lightly. But me being me, I stuck my tongue in her mouth. What the hell was wrong with me?

She pushed me away instantly, a look of complete and utter revulsion plastered on her face. Not just shock, but disgust. Like she was glaring at a piece of shit lodged in a used condom stuck to the bottom of her shoe.

I felt my heart sink, and tears began to well up in my eyes. 'Ugh- Ewwww- I was just- what the fuck is wrong with you? I even told you I was thinking of asking Bradley out- so I pity you and you pull that gross shit,' she scowled, frantically wiping her mouth and scraping her tongue. 'That is not normal, you're fucking sick, Ephialtes.'

I just kept running, running from the truth, and with each step on the asphalt... I only grew more tired, until I heard my own foot crackle beneath me. Halting my run, my calf twisted and shot me to the floor like a human slingshot. The pain never came to me, and I truly didn't care anymore. I really just wanted to sleep. Sleep it all away. The crush, school, police academy... my whole life of horrors that is to come, I'll just sleep through it. Who's gonna give a shit if I do?