Content Warning: depiction of a panic attack and acute anxiety.

Yeonjun walked into the bathroom, barely holding himself upright as he checked the stalls one by one. Thankfully, no one else was there. He was breathing like he couldn’t get enough air and his hands were shaking. When he looked in the mirror, he barely recognized himself. His face looked pale, tired, and lost. Just seeing it made him feel sick. He leaned over the sink and splashed cold water on his face.

It didn’t help. His chest still felt heavy and tight. His heart was pounding so hard it felt like it might burst. A low ringing filled his ears, making it hard to think.

It was another panic attack. It gripped him tightly, just like every other time, twisting him up from the inside out. His vision blurred at the edges, and it felt like the floor might give way beneath his feet.

He slipped into an empty stall, trying to calm himself the way he’d learned to do on his own. Bending forward, he focused on his breathing, taking deep, slow breaths. His shoulders trembled with each exhale.

“One... two... three... four… You’ve gotten through this before. This one will pass too. Just breathe.”

He repeated it like a mantra over and over until the trembling in his hands began to slow. His chest still ached, but the air started to move in and out a little easier. He could hear his breath now, rough but steady enough to keep him conscious.

The tightness began to ease, not completely, but enough. Enough to know he was still here, enough to keep going. He stayed bent over, gripping the sides of the toilet stall, telling himself again and again that he wasn’t going to die, that he was stronger than this feeling.

When he finally made it to his first class, everyone was already in their seats. He hesitated in the doorway, quietly closing the door behind him. His eyes were lowered, his steps cautious.

The professor looked up from the podium, eyebrows lifting ever so slightly.

“Please try to be on time next time,” he said, not unkindly but loud enough for the whole class to hear.

Yeonjun nodded and “Sorry,” he murmured, then walked toward a seat at the back, not wanting to sit near anyone he knew or talk to anyone.

There was no sign of what had just happened. He appeared composed and calm. He kept his eyes down, hoping not to attract any attention.

But it was too late. People were already whispering, their curiosity stirred by what they’d seen in the courtyard earlier.

The professor’s voice carried faintly across the room as he outlined the semester’s structure. He mentioned group work, midterm presentations, and a final project focused on spatial dynamics and how people move through public spaces.

“Teams will be formed in week four, after you’ve completed your first solo proposal. Use that to show me how you think,” the professor said.

Yeonjun stared down at the open notebook in front of him, blank except for a single scribble he didn’t remember writing. He picked up his pen and slowly traced over the same line again and again, pressing harder each time until the paper began to dent.

A quiet laugh floated from the left side of the room. He didn’t lift his head.

His mind was far away, still back in the courtyard, in the cold water at the sink, and in the heaviness that stayed in his chest.

No one was watching him now. The whispers had stopped, replaced by the quiet sound of the lecture. But even without people looking, he still felt like something inside him was exposed.

When the class finally ended, he gathered his things in silence and walked out without meeting anyone’s eyes.

***

During lunch, Seojun and Ji-hu stood with a few classmates near the designated smoking area behind the art building. The late spring sun filtered through the narrow alley, catching the white edges of cigarette smoke as Seojun exhaled slowly, one hand tucked into his coat pocket.

Ji-hu didn’t smoke and never had, but he stood beside Seojun anyway, arms loosely crossed, half-listening.

“That girl from this morning… seriously, what’s her deal?” one of the guys said, looking around quietly. “She was yelling loud enough for the architecture building to hear.”

“She’s trouble,” said another, dragging on his cigarette. “Yeah, she’s always been pretty, but…” He shook his head. “She’s a headache.”

“The guy she was yelling at though,” one of them said, chuckling under his breath. “He seemed like kind of a pushover, didn’t he?”

Seojun looked ahead without saying a word, wanting to shut them up.

“Still,” the same guy continued, “Hyung, when you stepped in? That was legendary. I mean, the timing was damn near perfect.”

There was laughter. Ji-hu smiled faintly but stayed quiet. He looked sideways at Seojun, whose face showed something only Ji-hu seemed to notice.

Then Seojun saw him.

Up ahead, near the vending machines at the corner of the next building, Yeonjun was standing with a small group of students. He looked tall and casual, laughing at something one of them said. Sunlight hit his hair just right, turning it a vibrant shade of gold. His posture was relaxed, one hand in his pocket, the other gesturing mid-conversation.

Seojun kept looking at him. The noise around him faded away. He wasn’t hearing anything else. All he saw was Yeonjun.

His warm brown eyes curved softly when he smiled, lashes casting light shadows on his cheeks. His lips were full and pink, just a bit more flushed than usual. Seojun found himself watching the way those lips moved with each word. They looked so soft and inviting, as if they were waiting to be kissed. His skin caught the morning light, smooth and clear like he had never known a bad day. The glow made it hard for Seojun to look away.

His build was strong and broader than the type Seojun usually preferred. Seojun liked boys with slimmer bodies, boys he could easily hold and control, who laughed easily and wore many bracelets. They were the kind who looked like little brothers beside him. But this boy, with quiet eyes and a calm presence, was completely different. For some reason, just thinking about someone else seeing him like this made Seojun feel uncomfortable.

It wasn’t just that he was drawn to him. He wanted to own him completely. He couldn’t stop staring, and he hated the thought of anyone else doing the same.

He thought to himself, I’m so screwed…

There was something about him. Something clean, bright, and fragile. Seojun felt his fingers move on their own, like they wanted to touch him to make sure he was real.

He dragged in another breath of smoke. But it didn’t help.

It felt like gravity had locked onto him, dragging him forward before his brain could catch up.

He started walking without thinking, and Ji-hu let out an annoyed sigh, trailing after him.

When Yeonjun saw Seojun coming closer, he looked at him like he was trying to figure out what he wanted. His eyes were tired, and there was something quiet and heavy behind them. After a moment, Yeonjun gave a small, careful smile, soft but real enough not to seem rude.

Seojun didn’t expect that smile to feel so real. He let out a quiet breath.

“How does someone even smile like that?” he thought, knowing deep down that even that tired, half-hearted smile looked amazing to him.

He stopped for a moment, then quickly smiled back. Looking for something to say, he spoke without thinking.

“Hey. Again. Uh, there’s a welcome party tonight for the architecture department... You going?”

Yeonjun’s smile disappeared. His eyes looked careful, and he answered without much interest.

“I’m not much of a party person. Sorry,” he said, and walked away without another word.

Seojun sighed and quickly called after him.

“It’s cool! Just thought I’d ask! Oh, my name’s Kim Seojun, by the way!”

Ji-hu elbowed him and messed up his hair.

“Hyung. That guy’s straight. You’ve got zero chance.”

But Seojun didn’t react at all. He moved Ji-hu’s hand off his head and kept watching Yeonjun walk away. There was something in that smile, in that quiet. It felt like the ground had moved under him, leaving Seojun standing there alone.

Yeah… I’m so fucked…

“I’m doing something tonight, Ji-hu. Something I probably should’ve done a long time ago.”

Ji-hu looked over at him. “Whoa. You’re seriously serious.”