1

Say It Right

“Come to the pool with me.” 

“No, i'm practicing my make-up” I roll onto my stomach to face Lillibeth as she sits on the floor surrounded by products. 

“You can do it after. It looks shit anyways.” 

She glances at me through the mirror as she stops applying eyeliner. 

“Fuck you” She laughes, placing her eyeliner on the ground to throw a pillow at me. 

I sigh. Getting off the bed and stretching. “Whatever, I'm going to go ask the boys.” I slip on my flip flops and grab the key card. 

“Don't get caught.” 

The click of the hotel door is louder than expected. The only sound that can be heard are my light black and gold Birkenstocks and my heavy breathing. This trip was supposed to be the trip of my life. 

‘Nothing ever goes as planned for me I guess’ I whisper. 

Room 235. 

“Hey, open up. I know you're still awake.” I lightly knock to not wake up anyone else on the trip. My watch holds 11:23, we only got back an hour ago, they couldn't have already gone to sleep. 

‘Click’ The door slowly opens.

Colin. 

“Is Jayden and Mathew already asleep?” I whisper. His dark brown eyes refuse to look at me and look straight ahead. 

“Uh, yeah. They just went to sleep.” He clears his throat. I don’t want to go alone. But he definitely doesn't want to go with me. 

‘So I wont give him the option.’

“We’re going to the pool. Be quick.” His dark eyes finally look at me, making me freeze. His face is beautiful. “Ok.” 

The walk to the pool is silent. He makes sure to only walk behind me. Never beside me as if it would make it seem like we’re together, never in front to make him seem in charge. Only behind as if I'm his burden. Dragging him.

The resort our school picked is beautiful. Better than we all thought it could afford. The pool is outside and looks over the ocean. It is a nice size and open 24 hours. I  Flip off my shoes and place my key card down on a little glass table. As I reach to undo the button on my shorts I glance at him as he sits down his towel on the opposite side of the pool. 

“You could’ve said no if you didn't want to come.” He looks at me as he starts to unbutton his Hawaiian shirt. 

I carefully watch the movement of his hands as they reveal his chest.

“No I wanted to.” Liar. All he does is lie. I sit my shorts next to my stuff leaving me in my bikini and immediately jump in the pool. The water is cool and clean. The ringing in my ears doesn’t last long as I resurface to find him sitting on the edge with his feet plashing. Once again on the other side. I swim over to him and lay my head down by his legs looking at him. He refuse to look back at me. 

“You drive me crazy, you know that?” 

He still only looks forward. “I know,” he whispers. I move closer to him. I have the strong urge to place my hand on his pale thigh. 

‘His skin has alway been so soft.’ 

“You don't have to whisper, Colin. It's just us.We wont get caught.” 

“I-” His voice cracks. “I know.” He says. 

“Look at me.” He has no idea how much I'd worship him if he’d let me. 

His chapped lips are slightly parted as he breathes. His brown eyes hold mine, this is all we do for a while. 

‘I know you look at me when you think I'm not looking, it's not fair that you treat me like that.’ 

“Why do you refuse to look at me?” He shrugs, looking away from me to look elsewhere. I should be the only thing he looks at. 

I get away from the edge and slowly submerge myself under water. I wonder what he’d do if I never resurfaced. Would he miss me? Save me? Even notice I'm gone? 

‘No’ 

I resurface and wipe my face clean of the water. 

‘He's staring.’ 

I look at him, but he immediately looks away. I sigh and grab a floaty from nearby. Lifting myself to sit in the middle. He is looking at me now. Openly. Seeing what I am doing. Then his eyes slowly drift away.

‘If only I could read your mind.’ 

I spin around for a bit before facing him. 

“I got this bikini just for the trip. Isn't it pretty?” I ask as I run my hands over the bow in the middle of my top. His eyes snap to look at my face before they follow the movement of my hand. His eyes move lower before snapping to stare at a fake palm tree. He shrugs. I frown. 

“So you think I'm ugly?” His eyes widen a little. 

“No.” 

“Look at me when I speak to you.” I could’ve said that nicer. He looks at me. Slowly focusing on my face. I can see my reflection through his black glasses. I smile a little.

‘If you find me pretty, why don't you like me too?’ 

I sway a little closer to him to where our knees were touching. I slowly lift my left foot and place it in the middle of his chest. He holds eye contact as his hand comes up to hold it there. Pressing me against him as his thumb lightly strokes it.  

I glance at my toes and see some of my pastel green polish chipped. The color looks nice against my dark skin. I release a breath and relax more. Dropping my head back and feeling the water gently slash my forehead. His skin is warm and smooth. His hands make me feel good as he gently massages my foot. We rarely touch. And the rare time we did it was me doing the action. I close my eyes and enjoy the humid feeling of the Hawaiian air. Summer has alway been my favorite season. I can feel him looking at me. I love when he looks at me. It makes me feel desired. Only he can make me feel so much from so little.

“This was supposed to be the trip of my life.” Key word being was. He doesn’t say anything. The hand on my foot freezes before going back to gently rubbing it. 

“Are you having fun?”

“Yeah.” 

“That's good.”

It is silent for a while. 

“Why aren't you having fun?” 

I laugh a little, picking my head up to look at him. His eyes are on my ankle bracelet. 

“Because I'm not with you.” His eyes snap to me before quickly looking back down at my ankle. 

“I'm sorry-”

“I don't want another one of your useless apologies Colin.” 

“I mean it.” He whispers. His freckled hand playing with my analacelet as a distraction. I apply pressure to his chest. 

“I could drown you right now. Then I'd drag your body to the ocean and throw you in and let the fish eat you to hide the evidence.” 

He smiles a little as he glances at me. I laugh. 

“You think I'm joking but you won't in a few minutes when I actually do it.” 

He smiles bigger, looking me in the eyes. “Ok.” I roll my eyes to break contact and lean back again. I complain that he never looks at me but when he does my skin feels as if it's on fire.

‘I love it. I love what he does to me.’ 

I can feel his eyes on me and it makes me smile, but I keep my eyes on the ocean. I don't know what I'd do if I look at him now feeling the way I do. It was dangerous of me to ask him to come with me alone. It’s not like we'd do anything. 

‘But god if only he’d let me. The things I'd let him do to me. The things I'd do for him…’ 

I sigh, looking back at him. Bring my thighs closer together. 

“Oh Colin. My sweet, sweet Colin. Tell me something.” I bring my foot up to where it was by his head, resting on his shoulder. I open my legs again and take in a breath as I feel the air hit against me. I’m in the mood to play dangerously. His hand goes to my ankle and he starts to rub.

‘No. move your hand down and rub there. Please. I beg you. Touch me.’ 

He shrugs. “I don't have anything to say.” 

‘Yes you do. You're always thinking about something.’ 

“You're so boring.” I sigh looking at the ocean again. The sound of the waves hitting the shore is relaxing. 

“ There are a million things I could possibly say to you.” I say. 

“ Say them,” he whispers. His hand moves down a little to my calf. I let out a soft sigh. I know he hears it. 

“Mmmm. Number 1. We could talk about how you always lead me on.” his hand freezes and slowly goes back to my ankle. 

“Or I could confess my undying love for you…” His hand squeezes my ankle as he bore his eyes on me. I don't know why he’s acting like he doesn't know. Everyone knows. But I guess he just didn't understand how serious I am about him. 

“Or we could talk about how Dumbledore is the real villain in Harry Potter.” We look at each other for a while. He looks awkward. He is always awkward. It’s cute. He's cute. He's a lot of things. And I love all of those things even if they make me cry. Colin Henry Carter could break my heart and I'd pick up the piece just to give it back to him to break again. 

“The second one.” He says softly. I raise my eyebrows. I wasn't expecting him to answer me back. Nonetheless, pick that one. 

I want to touch him. I could just get up and straddle him while I play with his brownish-red  curls and whisper how much I love him and will do anything for him. He won't push me away, but for all the wrong reasons. 

I splash my hand in the water and watch the ripples. His eyes were no longer on me, and for once I was grateful for it. His eyes focus on the chains on my foot. I slowly lower my foot back in the water and watch as his eyes follow the movement before staring helplessly into the water. I turn myself around and float to his legs. I push his legs together before leaning down to lay my head on his thighs and look up at his chin. His swim trunks were a nice salmon color with palm trees and orange clouds. He looks down at me for a while before moving to look at the ocean. I raise my hand to run my hands through his curls. They are soft and slightly greasy from him not being able to shower yet today. Each curl hugs my fingers begging me to stay.

“I know you won't believe me or think I'm crazy. You may claim I know nothing about you but that's not true. I watch you everyday.” 

He stays silent. 

“Three years Colin. Three years I've wasted on you and will continue to.” It’s embarrassing. 

“I don't think you're crazy.” He finally says. More lying. I know you call me that behind my back. How stupid do you think I am? 

I bring my hand from his hair to his chin and forced his head down to look at me. 

“Why did you tell  Haddam I forced you to hold my hand?” He pulls a face I can't  describe, one with shock and disbelief. Or maybe it was a sign that he’s been caught. 

“I didn't.” 

“That's what she heard. What did you tell her?” 

He shrugs. His eyes look at the water. “Nothing really.” I grip harder. 

“Answer my question Colin. I don't want your white lies.” 

“I just told her you like to hold my hand in the hallways. I’ve never lied to you.”

“You have.”

“When?” 

“Homecoming week.” 

“I didn't lie. I-” 

“You assumed and made it seem like what it wasn't. That's a lie Colin. Don't play stupid.” 

“I didn't mean to lie.” He whispers. 

“You embarrassed me.” I trail off. Not wanting to say something I'd regret. 

“Your sister hates me.” Haddam. 

“You made me her enemy. But I don't want her getting in our business.” He nodes his head. 

“She told you that I told her you forced me?” 

“No. But she hinted at it. She made a sly comment on how I couldn’t force anyone to do anything.”

“I'm sorry.” His eyes were drawn on the ocean. You can’t really see anything but I guess to him it is better than looking at me. 

“You embarrassed me.'' I say again. 

Nothing. 

“Damn it Colin, look at me when I'm talking to you.” His eyes hold so much emotion. I’m making him nervous. He should be. 

 “Three years. I can now finally admit only to you that I'm in love with you. No other boy can do this to me but you. I cried when you told me I couldn’t go to homecoming with you. Stupid right? Crying over a boy two years younger than me who didn't want to go to a stupid dance. But it wasn't stupid to me. I really wanted to go with you. You told me you wanted to go with me but you lied to me. Do you know how that made me feel?”

“I didn't mean to hurt you.”

“But you did. I even double checked with you to make sure you wanted to go with me. You confirmed with me that, yes. You wanted to go with me. That’s what you said Colin….Don't you understand that when you become silent and cave in you hurt me more than just rejecting me? I’d rather you call me the ugliest girl in the world and that you’ll never want to see my ugly face again than you ever pretending to have feelings for me.”

“I'm sorry.” 

“Stop apologizing. I'm never going to be good enough for you. Which I will never understand. Why am I not good enough for you Colin?” 

He just looks at me. I have the strong urge to slap him. To see the look of pain come across his face. He thinks I'm crazy. I know he does. He doesn't know what crazy looks like, but he’s about to find out. 

I let go of his face and sit up. I get out of the floaty and out of the pool. I don’t bother whipping myself off with a towel or putting back on my jean shorts.

He doesn’t look at me once. 

“I want you to block me on everything. It’s better to not have you in reach sense you clearly can't answer a fucking question.” 

I can feel him looking at me as I walk back to my hotel room. 

I told myself last year I wouldn't let myself cry over him anymore. Girls like me shouldn't cry over boys like him. But I just don't understand. I’ll give him anything he wants so why won't he have me?  Every boy wants me but him. What's so wrong with me?