It started small the way most bad things do just a whisper of opportunity hidden inside the noise one of the senior traders a guy named Carter leaned close to me one morning said there’s a client out in Jersey sitting on bonds that are about to burn he doesn’t know it yet we can help him out move some before the rating drops I asked what that meant he smiled said it means you learn how the game is really played
The office hummed around us screens flickering with numbers like static rain I looked at him he looked at me and I understood that he wasn’t talking about helping anyone he was talking about unloading trash before it smelled too bad to touch
I hesitated for maybe five seconds he said kid do it or someone else will and I did
The call was quick the client trusted me his voice calm friendly he said I always knew you’d go far and I told him this bond was a winner he bought it all and thanked me and when I hung up my hands were shaking
Carter grinned said welcome to the club and that was it that was the first time I crossed the line and nothing happened no lightning no punishment just silence and the faint thrill of getting away with it
After that the floor felt different people laughed louder lied smoother deals came easier and every lie I told sounded truer with practice I told myself everyone does it that it’s just business that morality has no place between a bid and an ask
At night I still thought about it though sometimes I’d see the client’s name on my screen and feel something in my chest like a small tight knot but then the numbers would turn green and the guilt would fade replaced by that sweet taste of victory again
Carter became my mentor he taught me how to mask the lies with confidence how to spin a loss into a promise he said markets aren’t fair they never were your job is to make sure they’re unfair in your favor
I started working longer hours skipping meals skipping sleep the charts became my sky the phone my heartbeat I watched men lose fortunes and laugh about it then win fortunes and cry like children we all lived inside a fever that never broke
There was a girl too a secretary named Anne she used to bring me coffee and ask how my day was and I’d say great always great even when it wasn’t she said I should smile more I said maybe when the market closes but it never really did not inside my head
One Friday she invited me to a concert I said I couldn’t too busy chasing numbers and after she left I realized I didn’t even know what kind of music she liked the truth was I didn’t know anything outside of this room anymore
The next week Carter got a bonus big one bought a new Porsche parked it where everyone could see it he tossed me the keys said take a spin kid I drove it through Manhattan feeling like a king neon lights reflecting off the windshield the city pulsing like a living thing around me
But when I stopped at a red light I saw my reflection in the glass towers and for a second I didn’t recognize myself I looked older harder the kind of man my father wouldn’t understand
I knew there was a line somewhere the one between doing your job and losing your soul but in this business that line isn’t painted in red it’s invisible until you’ve already crossed it
And by then you’ve learned how to look the other way