The summer of eighty seven came heavy and strange the air in the city felt electric even before the storm everyone talked about how the market could only go up how the new computers made trading faster safer smarter but the truth was we were all drunk on the same illusion I could feel it in the room the way men leaned forward over their screens as if staring hard enough could hold the numbers in place
Carter said don’t worry kid the Dow’s a machine now it won’t stop I believed him because I wanted to we all did no one wants to be the fool who leaves the party early when the music’s still loud
One Monday morning I walked into the office the air different somehow tighter the screens bleeding red from the open the phones screaming louder than usual someone shouted what’s happening someone else said it’s just a correction but his voice cracked when he said it
By ten thirty panic had a shape you could see it on every face the calm slick confidence gone men who joked about risk now silent biting their lips I called clients tried to sound steady told them it was temporary told them not to sell while I sold quietly behind them
The numbers kept falling faster than I thought possible every tick another cut and the floor became chaos pure noise people shouting prices no one would honor anymore Carter slammed his phone down so hard it shattered said liquidity’s gone kid it’s all gone
I remember looking at the clock it wasn’t even noon and the world felt like it was ending I felt sweat under my collar my hands shaking again just like the first day only this time it wasn’t excitement it was fear raw and clean
One client screamed at me over the phone said I ruined him said he’d trusted me I wanted to say something honest but there was nothing left to say he hung up and I sat there listening to the dial tone like it was the sound of judgment
The market closed that day with losses we didn’t have words for billions erased like chalk from a board the boss came out his face pale told us to go home and rest but no one moved we just sat there surrounded by paper and silence
That night I walked for hours through the city the neon lights reflecting off puddles like broken mirrors I thought about quitting thought about disappearing but in the middle of the fear there was still something else a strange pull like the market itself was whispering come back you’ll do better next time
The next morning we were all back in our seats bleary eyed hollow but alive the firm survived barely the losses spread around patched up with lies and loans and promises the government whispered bailout and the game began again
Carter said see kid the system never dies it just resets remember that and I nodded though I didn’t know if it was comfort or curse
Anne came by my desk later asked if I was okay I said yeah just tired she said you look older and I laughed but she didn’t
When I looked in the window that night I saw what she meant the ambition was still there but something else had joined it a hardness behind the eyes a kind of hunger that doesn’t sleep
The crash didn’t teach me humility it taught me endurance that no matter how bad it gets the market opens again and so do we
And maybe that’s the tragedy we never really learn we just keep trading as if the next call will erase the last sin