Winter came slow that year colder than usual maybe it was just me maybe it was the way the city felt smaller after the crash quieter like it was nursing a hangover from too much money lost too many dreams turned to dust the firm cut a third of the floor half the bonuses gone and the rest of us stayed because we didn’t know what else to do
I moved to a smaller desk closer to the windows I told myself I liked the view but it was just a reminder that even the tallest towers can shake when the ground moves Carter said survival’s the new game and I believed him because he was still driving his Porsche even if he looked a little more tired now
He started bringing me into meetings real ones not the loud trading floor deals but quiet closed door conversations with men who wore darker suits and smiled less they talked about restructuring and distressed assets and special opportunities words that meant someone somewhere was bleeding and we were learning how to profit from it
At first I felt uneasy but that feeling was familiar by now like a friend who keeps showing up uninvited I told myself this was rebuilding not exploiting rebuilding meant using what others threw away turning ruin into reward it sounded noble if you said it fast enough
We bought portfolios for pennies called them bargains flipped them in months called it recovery every trade another small piece of redemption for what we lost but I knew better we weren’t rebuilding anything we were feeding off the wreckage of others and pretending it was progress
One night after another fourteen hour day I met Anne outside she was waiting near the revolving doors said she missed seeing me at lunch said she still had that concert ticket from months ago I smiled said maybe next week but we both knew I wouldn’t show
She said I used to talk about getting out one day doing something else something real and I laughed said this is real look around she didn’t laugh back
That night I couldn’t sleep the sound of the ticker in my head the glow of screens behind my eyes I thought about calling her but instead I opened my laptop and checked futures in Tokyo
The market was moving again faster stronger people had forgotten the fear already greed returning like spring after a long frost and I felt alive in that rhythm the chase the pulse the endless climb
Carter told me I was made for this said some men crumble after a crash others rebuild into something sharper you’re the second kind kid don’t lose that edge and I nodded proud and terrified at the same time
We landed a new client a hedge fund manager young rich confident the kind of man who smiled while lying he liked me called me hungry said he saw himself in me I should have been worried instead I felt flattered
He talked about new instruments derivatives options ways to make money even when the market falls I didn’t understand them completely but I understood enough to know danger always hides behind innovation
Still I followed I always did the logic simple if you’re not moving forward you’re falling behind
By spring we were making money again not as much as before but enough to feel powerful enough to forget the lessons of October
Sometimes late at night when the office was empty I’d stand by the window watch the city lights flicker and imagine every one of them was a trader like me awake hungry chasing numbers that never loved us back
And I’d whisper to myself that this time would be different that this rebuild would last but deep down I knew markets like people never change they just find new ways to pretend they’ve learned