By the time the snow melted the market had found its rhythm again the headlines called it a comeback investors called it resilience and we called it business as usual I watched the charts climb slow but steady like a patient heartbeat and the noise of panic had faded into new ambition the crash had become just another story to brag about at bars survival turned into pride
Carter got promoted he deserved it he had the kind of confidence that made people believe in lies even when they knew better I stayed under him learning every trick every whisper every way to move money without anyone seeing your hands he said discretion was worth more than talent and I learned that too
Anne stopped waiting for me she left the firm in March I didn’t even notice until her desk was empty a coffee cup still there like she’d meant to come back I found out later she took a job uptown quieter slower maybe saner I told myself good for her but that night when I passed her old desk I felt something empty inside a silence too sharp to ignore
I buried it under work that was easy the new decade promised growth the nineties approaching full of color and optimism we were dealing in leverage again calling it opportunity instead of risk different words same meaning
There was a dinner one night the partners hosting in a private room at a restaurant so expensive it didn’t have a sign outside the kind of place where you whisper even when there’s nothing to hide everyone was drinking laughing the smell of wine and money thick in the air
Carter made a toast to those who stay through storms and I smiled but something about it twisted inside me because I realized staying was both victory and prison the longer you stayed the more the market took from you piece by piece until all that was left was the chase
I stepped outside after dessert the night air cool and wet the city humming soft I looked at the skyline and thought about my father still driving his cab somewhere in Queens thought about calling him but didn’t know what I’d say we hadn’t talked in weeks maybe months
He used to tell me son don’t let work turn you into someone you can’t recognize and I had laughed back then said don’t worry dad it’s just a job but now when I caught my reflection in glass I wasn’t sure anymore
Back at the office the next morning Carter handed me a file said this is your shot kid your own book small clients small limits but it’s yours run it well and you’ll make partner someday I took it without thinking the hunger flaring up again the same fire that started years ago on my first day
I stayed late that night building positions small bets at first then bigger I could almost hear the floor from years before the shouts the phones the chaos like ghosts cheering me on it felt like coming home and I realized how deep the addiction went
I thought about Anne again about how she walked away and how I never asked her why maybe she’d seen what I couldn’t maybe she understood that staying meant losing something invisible but vital the part that still believed in enough
When the screens dimmed at midnight I sat there alone the city stretching out below me endless and shining the hum of electricity like a second heartbeat I told myself I could stop anytime I wanted that I was still in control
But I knew that was the oldest lie of all
And as I turned off the monitors I felt the weight of the years ahead decades of trades and crashes and recoveries waiting like waves I couldn’t escape
The market would rise the market would fall and I would stay
Because I didn’t know how to live without it anymore