That night I couldn’t fall asleep. All that rang in my ears was my sister saying “enjoy your life.” It felt surreal, like it was just another dream that I had. But in my dreams her voice never reaches my ears like it did that night. I would try to read her lips but nothing would come from it. But this interaction was real, it was something that made the hairs on the back of my neck rise. 

I thought about her request all night. To be honest I wouldn’t even know how to enjoy my life without the panging guilt that this could have been my sister. Did she know this? Is that why she told me?

“Hey you alright?” my brother asks as he scrolls on his phone.

My eyes momentarily expand. It was odd for my brother to ask me how I’m doing. “I’m just tired, that's all.” His eyes briefly met mine before he went back to scrolling. 

“Sweetheart, have you heard from any of the schools you applied to?” My mom pinched my brother’s cheek to get his attention. I laugh at his scrunched up face. Short moments like this allow me to pause all the paranoia and grief that I lug around my ankles. My head falls onto my hand as I continue to watch.

“Mom, they’re probably going to give out acceptances this month. Why not ask sis? She’ll probably receive them too!” He rubs his cheeks as he speaks. “The transfer students hear about their acceptances before the freshmen.”

“Fair.” My mom said as she deviously grinned at me. She tossed herself onto my shoulders and clung tightly. “Well Irene, check your phone, maybe you got a few already.” Her voice carried a level of untouched confidence that occasionally passed to me. It felt like a ray of sun on a cloudy day.

The truth is I didn’t want to check. My gpa was low, and all I had to make up for it was a sport that I was mediocre at. Yes I did do some volunteering, but it’s so hard to focus on schoolwork when there’s a spirit constantly whispering in your ears. None of them are useful, it’s just useless words strung together.

I nervously pulled out my phone and checked my emails. A few schools had already replied to me. There were countless schools that I applied to and did not care to enter. But the one that I wanted the most, University of Velvet, was sitting right on the top. Perched on my email, and waiting to be pressed by my thumb. 

My mom and brother nervously peered over my shoulders. Sweat slowly pools down my forehead and my breath becomes rigid. I closed my eyes tightly and started praying as I pressed the button. 

“Oh my goodness.” My mom clutched me close to her chest. “Congrats sweetpea! You’ve been accepted!!” I pried my eyes open and read the note. I was really accepted. It finally felt like I was getting somewhere. The clouds that shrouded my eyes seemed to dissipate. My body shook with pure electricity and for once I felt young again. 

My brother cleared his throat and showed us his phone. “Looks like this school will have to deal with the both of us.” My face dropped for a moment. He was so smug in his response. It was a similar expression that our sister used to wear. For a moment I felt like I was twelve and my sister bragged about how she got my favorite character in a surprise bag. The warmth of the image faded as my mother’s arms shifted to my brother. And I was left in the shadows of the past.

“How exciting! They’ll be getting both of my little angels.” She was so joyous that a small smile escaped my lips.  She hugged us both and started jumping. 

“Where’s dad and grandma?” my brother asked. “I’d bet they would love to hear the news.” 

She rubbed the back of her neck before speaking. “They are at the temple again for your sister dear. But don’t worry, I’ll make sure to make both of your favorite meals for dinner!” 

My brother’s smile faded and he went back on his phone. “Whatever, I don’t care.” Smacked my brother’s back in sympathy. I could tell exactly what he was feeling. “Ow what was that for?” Sometimes I would feel the same. But he had nothing to do with sister’s incident. Not like me, so I had no right to feel jealous or bitter. “Seriously you and mom are so weird.” His pouting slightly vanished.

“How about I get you boba after school today?” He jolted up and his demeanor switched to his usual self. 

“I get to choose the boba place?” His teeth reminded me of pearls whenever he smiled. Whenever he smiled at me it made me forget how much I failed to be a sibling to our sister. 

“Sure.”