The end of the decade shimmered with a strange kind of light brighter than anything I’d ever seen the papers called it the new economy and everyone wanted to believe in it money was no longer supposed to be about steel or oil or labor it was about ideas and websites and dreams that existed only on screens I told myself I’d seen enough bubbles to know better but part of me wanted to be fooled again the same part that always did

The firm I worked for smelled opportunity long before reason caught up they built a technology division overnight filled it with kids fresh out of college who talked fast and thought faster they didn’t wear suits they wore sneakers and hoodies and carried laptops like weapons they called me sir and I hated it but I also envied them because they had that wild certainty that nothing bad could touch them

I started trading tech stocks small at first then bigger each one doubling then tripling sometimes in days I watched numbers leap like flames and thought this can’t last but my hands kept moving faster than my doubts it felt good too good a return to the fever I thought I’d outgrown maybe greed is like youth it fades but never dies it just waits for a reason to wake again

Julia showed up one afternoon at the office her hair shorter her smile the same said she was consulting for a startup something about online markets I asked if it was real she laughed said what’s real anymore I didn’t have an answer she said I looked older I said I felt older she said maybe that’s progress

We met for coffee once or twice after that talked about the city about change she seemed lighter I seemed heavier she said maybe I should try something else before it’s too late I said too late for what she said you’ll know when it is

Back at work the energy grew manic IPOs every week everyone a millionaire by Friday the traders younger and louder the bonuses obscene I caught myself watching them like a ghost haunting his own life I wanted to warn them but they wouldn’t have heard me anyway no one listens when they’re winning

By ninety nine I was running a team half my age they didn’t care about fundamentals or risk they cared about velocity about how fast something could move before it broke and they were right for a while everything kept going up no gravity just faith wrapped in bandwidth and slogans

My father called said he was proud said he saw my firm mentioned on TV I smiled told him things were good he said maybe you can finally slow down I laughed said soon the same word again always soon

In February two thousand Julia invited me to a gallery opening said it wasn’t really my scene but I should come I went the paintings were strange abstract lines and colors like data streams she said they reminded her of me I said I didn’t see it she said that was the point we stood there silent for a while then she said you know this can’t last right I nodded she said you’ll stay anyway won’t you I said yes she said I know

By March the cracks appeared subtle at first smaller firms folding under their own promises analysts whispering that maybe profits still mattered the traders on my floor didn’t believe it they laughed called it a dip I wanted to believe them so I did

Then April came and the laughter stopped one morning the screens bled red the way they always do when faith turns back into numbers stocks falling faster than anyone could sell the air heavy with disbelief a familiar kind of silence filled the room the kind that says it’s happening again

I sat there watching years of arrogance unwind in hours the same cycle different names Dalton’s voice echoing in my head forget pain kid and you’ll make history and I realized he was wrong you don’t make history by forgetting you make it by surviving

That night I walked home through a city that felt suddenly smaller the neon quieter the reflections in the glass softer I stopped by the river lights shimmering over dark water and thought maybe Julia was right maybe I did know what too late felt like

But when I woke the next morning I still put on the suit still checked the screens still traded because after so many years I didn’t know how not to and maybe that was the truest addiction of all