When the bubble finally burst it didn’t make a sound it just deflated slowly like air leaving a lung one breath at a time the laughter stopped first then the confidence then the light in people’s eyes even the city seemed quieter as if embarrassed by its own excess the screens still glowed but softer now like they were tired too
I walked into the office every day because I didn’t know what else to do half the desks were empty the kids who once bragged about paper fortunes had vanished some to grad school some to startups that didn’t exist anymore a few just disappeared leaving behind coffee mugs and passwords no one remembered
The firm tried to spin it called it a correction said we were shifting toward fundamentals again that word fundamentals I hadn’t heard it in years it sounded antique like something carved in stone
I sat through meetings where men who’d once screamed buy now whispered about restructuring about layoffs about responsibility everyone suddenly pretending to be wise in hindsight I watched them and wondered how many times a man could repent for the same sin
Julia called once said she’d left her company said the investors pulled out she sounded calm maybe even relieved she said maybe this is good maybe the world needed a pause I said maybe but I didn’t believe it I’d seen this movie too many times
I went to see my father that spring his house smaller than I expected near a strip of quiet road in Queens he looked older thinner but still had that steady smile we sat outside drinking beer he said so the market crashed again huh I nodded he laughed said you always did pick the exciting jobs
We talked about small things the neighbors the Mets the weather he asked if I was happy I said I didn’t know he said that’s an honest answer more than most people give
When I left he hugged me longer than usual said take care of yourself son and for the first time in a long while I felt something shift inside a weight I didn’t know I was carrying
Back in the city the rebuilding started as it always does new funds new promises same greed dressed in new suits this time the buzzword was transparency as if saying it made it real I joined a consultancy for a while helping banks untangle the mess I’d helped create years earlier poetic in a cruel way
The world was changing faster than ever algorithms automating trades entire floors replaced by code the hum of servers replacing the hum of men I missed the noise the chaos the humanity even if it was ugly at least it was alive
At night I’d walk past the old buildings where I used to work so many names gone merged bought forgotten the ghosts of ambition still clinging to the glass I’d see my reflection and for a second it looked like the younger me staring back daring me to chase it again
Sometimes I’d dream of those early mornings on Broad Street the cold wind the smell of coffee and metal and hope the world still new the future still endless I’d wake up with my heart racing and for a moment believe I was still there before the crashes before the lies before the lessons I never quite learned
Julia moved to California we wrote a few times emails mostly short polite she said she was teaching now economics of all things I smiled at the irony she said maybe she’d write a book someday call it The Myth of Control I told her I’d buy the first copy she said you won’t need to I’ll send it free
By the end of that year I was back in finance again I told myself it was temporary just consulting just helping with transitions but deep down I knew it wasn’t about the money anymore it was the rhythm the market’s heartbeat synced with mine
One evening a young analyst came to me asked for advice said he wanted to make it big I looked at him saw myself decades ago and said be careful what you chase he smiled said don’t worry I know what I’m doing I laughed quietly because that’s what I used to say too
The market will rise again it always does it’s built on the same cycle of memory and forgetting greed and grace
And I knew when it did I’d still be there watching waiting maybe trading again not because I had to but because after all this time I’d become part of it the endless pulse of risk and reward
I wasn’t sure if that meant survival or surrender maybe both maybe that’s all any of us ever get in the end