By 2005 the city had found its rhythm again as if nothing bad had ever happened the skyline rebuilt the markets stronger or maybe just louder the pain of the past smoothed over by profit I was back at a large bank now not by design but by drift one opportunity leading to another until I was sitting in a glass office overlooking the river trading mortgage backed securities a phrase that sounded boring enough to be safe which made it perfect

They called it innovation bundles of loans packaged sold sliced and sold again risk turned into product uncertainty into yield it was elegant in theory absurd in practice but no one wanted to look too closely because the returns were too good and the bonuses even better every quarter a record every record another celebration champagne in plastic cups in conference rooms that smelled of ambition and fear

I told myself this time was different we had models now data algorithms the illusion of control I’d seen too many crashes to truly believe it but I’d also seen what happens when you step aside and the train keeps moving without you you get left behind and I wasn’t ready for that yet

Leon worked for me now still young still invincible he joked that he’d buy a second apartment just to flip it said the market only goes up I told him that’s what we all say right before it doesn’t he laughed said you sound like my dad I didn’t tell him I was probably older than his dad

At night I’d walk home through streets filled with cranes and condos rising everywhere people lining up for open houses throwing money they didn’t have at dreams they couldn’t afford even cab drivers giving mortgage advice everyone a genius everyone a winner it was the same music I’d heard before just with new lyrics

Julia wrote sometimes short messages from California she said she’d finished her book and was teaching full time now she sent me a copy with a note that said maybe read this before it’s too late I left it on my desk unopened for weeks then one night after too much whiskey I read the first page it said control is a story we tell ourselves so we can sleep I closed it and couldn’t sleep at all

The numbers on my screen kept rising and with them the unease somewhere deep in the noise you could hear the cracks if you listened long enough defaults small at first then more frequent but the analysts said diversification would save us that the models had accounted for everything as if the market cared about models

One afternoon I visited a housing development in New Jersey for a client rows of identical houses freshly painted the air thick with new asphalt and hope the saleswoman said they sold out before construction finished said people were buying third homes I asked who was lending she said everyone that word everyone again the most dangerous in finance

I drove back into the city watching the skyline appear over the river gleaming golden in the setting sun and thought about all the towers I’d seen rise and fall thought about Tokyo and the dot com days and the faces of people who thought they were untouchable before the fall came again it always comes again

When I told the desk we should slow exposure they laughed said the music’s still playing you don’t sit down yet Leon said you’re losing your edge old man I smiled said maybe it’s time I did he said don’t worry there’s no crash coming this time and I felt something cold settle behind my ribs

By the end of that year our profits broke records again bonuses doubled even the cautious joined the frenzy fear turned into greed and greed turned into culture the air in the office sharp with caffeine and confidence I walked past the glass walls seeing my reflection older harder tired but still there still chasing

On New Year’s Eve I stood on my balcony watching fireworks burst over the river the sound echoing through the city below I raised a glass alone to another year another climb another illusion and whispered to no one at all that maybe this time I’d step away before it broke again

But I knew I wouldn’t I never did