Six Years Ago

“I wish summer could last forever.” I sighed, trying to ignore the discomfort from lying on dry grass and rocks in my best friends backyard. It was still warm, but the weather was very slowly beginning to change, so the air was finally fit to breathe. 

It was coming up on the first day of school, coming up on September. Ugh, I hated Mid-August, it was the time in the year where everything started feeling wrong again.

“Yeah,” He agreed from behind me, “I don’t want school to start either.” 

He was playing with strands of dry grass, plucking the longest ones and weaving them together into some kind of bracelet- or rather, trying to weave them. They kept crumbling in his hands, and he’d sigh and find another one to try again.

“Summer should last forever. School sucks. If…if I were the president, that’s my first act. No more school ever, only summer.” I grinned, rolling over and trying not to wince as I jammed a rock into my elbow. 

I didn’t really mean that though. I was old enough to know exactly why that would never work, but it would never stop me from wishing. Maybe if September never came, maybe if Summer never ended, the bad feelings would never come. 

“But if Summer lasts forever, what happens to Fall?” He chimed in from beside me, frowning as he spoke.

“Who cares?” I scoffed, rolling back over so I didn’t have to look at his face. 

It was a little funny to me how his biggest problem with the idea of an eternal summer was the existence of Fall and not, y'know, anything else. Like how the eternal hot weather would impact the world. But eh, that was just Sebastian. 

“I care about fall. It’s the best.” He insisted, sitting up and looking down at me from that mess of caramel brown hair. I just stifled a laugh and leaned on my elbow to turn to him, reaching out and plucking a strand of dry grass from his hair and tossing it to the side. 

“I know. I just wish we didn’t have to go to school. Everyone there sucks. The teachers are mean and the kids are mean and my parents…always get so mad at me when I don’t get things.” I sighed, flopping back down with a wince. “…like I’m doing it to them on purpose.” I muttered.

“But this is our last year before middle school, I thought you were excited for that?” He commented, and I crossed my arms.

“People change.” I scoffed dismissively. 

The truth was that…I had been excited. But last year my parents were different than they usually were. They were usually angry, but this felt different. I hadn’t changed at all, but they had, and they wanted me to change too but I couldn’t.

My brain was just too wrong to do anything right, and they were always so angry.

I didn’t mean to make them upset.

I just….didn’t understand sometimes.

“I get it. School does suck.” He then said, leaning down to lie beside me and rest his head on his hands. I felt his hair brush my shoulder as he did so. “Yknow, if you ever need help, I’m sure I can help you. I get pretty good grades.”

I stared up at the sky in silence for a moment before forcing a smile. “Thanks. For the offer. I might take you up on it sometime.” Maybe then my parents will get off my back.

“Mhm.” He hummed, reaching out and twirling a strand of my hair around his finger.

And I just went back to staring at the sky, soft breeze ruffling our hair. I breathed in the cool air, cherishing it after months of suffocating heat.

This time of year always felt like the precipice of a roller coaster, the edge of the cliff. The moment before everything changes, the moment before the drop, when you get that sick feeling in your stomach and ready yourself to scream.

…but at least the sky was still nice to look at.

The clouds seemed so much fluffier back then…

Once there had been so much to see when I looked up, worlds of magical creatures and wondrous things hidden amongst the clouds drifting across the bright sky.

But there once had been so much more, and bitterly I realized that the childlike wonder of the world around me was finally fading away.

The magical world I used to see in the clouds when I’d look at the sky as a kid was slipping through my fingers. 

I tried to pick out ones still up there that I could imagine something out of…but there wasn’t much to see but a cloud that looked kind of like a whale if you squinted. I tried to smile at that.

At least I had that one.

One day I wouldn’t even have that.

One day they’d all just look like clouds.

-

“One Day”

The clouds in the sky were fluffy and bright, which was the complete opposite of how I felt at that moment.

School had started three weeks ago, and just like I thought, nobody recognized me. Nobody even cast a second glance at me now. I was just the new boy in school, and after an initial period of excitement and everyone clambering to adopt me into their friend-group- someone new from out of town they’d never met who could bring excitement into their lives- the buzz quickly died off when I avoided everyone and gave nobody anything to remain interested in.

So now everyone left me alone, and everything was just as it should be. 

I was walking to school achingly early that morning, taking slow steps as I tried to ignore the pain in my legs as I forced myself down the broken sidewalk. 

I had a meeting with a counselor at school to discuss something, so I was awake even earlier than usual.

I’d taken my breakfast painkillers before leaving this morning, and judging by the fact that my pain was not in fact killed, either they hadn’t kicked in yet or this was one of those unlucky days where they didn’t work for me.

I silently hoped it was the former, or this day was going to be much longer than I’d previously anticipated. 

Ugh, couldn’t they have made this meeting like…for after school? This sucks. I’m exhausted already.

As I approached the school building, I noticed a few other students lingering around. Though, most of them were part of sports teams or clubs that had their meetings early. I simply lowered my gaze and slipped at them and down the hall, avoiding any passing glances and drifting past all these people I once knew very well and now believed me a stranger.

Kate, Emerson, Quinn, Avalynn, John B., Nathan, Caleb, Julia…

I knew almost every single one of their names, and they didn’t know me at all.

Not anymore at least.

I tried not to think about how that made me feel. (Strange, weird, bad maybe.)

A burst of cold air met me when I pushed the door to the counselors office open, but there was nobody inside the main office. I assumed I was just early, and took a seat on one of the couches near the door, eyeing the decorations and bouncing my leg. 

There were a lot of plants in here, an empty desk across from me with a black cardigan tossed over the back of the chair- likely from whoever was meant to be working the desk and wasn’t here at the moment- and the entire room smelled like lavender for some reason.

I checked the time. 6:57.

I swear I only closed my eyes for a second when suddenly someone was tapping me on the shoulder and I jumped awake. In front of me was a short Black woman with long braids and a surprised expression on her face.

“Oh! I’m sorry.” She gasped, pressing a hand against her chest, since I’d clearly startled her as much as she’d startled me. “You’re Ellis Thomas, yes?”

I blinked sleepily and nodded, stifling a yawn. “Ye-s ma’am.”

She was wearing a soft lavender sweater and a long black skirt that kissed the floor ever so slightly. She looked vaguely familiar to me, but I could’ve sworn as well that I’d never seen her before.

“Wonderful! I’m Miss. Gray, your counselor this year. Nice to meet you, young man. Come on in, let’s get started.”

She led me into one of the back offices and the door clicked shut behind me. I placed my backpack between my legs as I took my seat, and glanced around as she began typing away on her computer, looking for something it seemed.

There were very many posters plastered on every wall, illustrating typical high school counselor slogans. Be who you are and such. Be kind, treat others how you’d want to be treated, etcetera.

On her desk was a tiny little vase filled with fake purple flowers, and next to it was a knocked over picture frame of her and three dogs that looked to be over half her size. 

“Alright. Sorry about that, I was just pulling up your file.” She smiled, reaching out and adjusting the picture frame so it was facing her again.

My head hurt already. So did my everything actually, but I just smiled. “No worries.”

I preferred to keep my illness a secret from the people at school who didn’t really need to know. The principal knew, my gym teacher knew, that’s about all that was necessary. I didn’t want to go walking around advertising how much pain I was in constantly, because that only ever went one or two ways.

One, you get an eye roll and a scoff and told that you’re young, just walk it off. Something about when you’re their age you’ll have a real reason to complain.

Or two, pity. Pity. Pity! Everyone looks at you like you’re one small breeze away from falling apart. You’re not allowed to do anything, and you’re treated like an infant. 

My health issues are none of anyone’s business but mine! And my Uncles. And my doctors. And unfortunately the principal and the gym teacher. Nobody else’s!

“So. I see you plan on attending WrenStone University after high school? That’s in…California, right?” She said to me.

I couldn’t quite remember when exactly I’d said that for it to be in my official file, but it was right so I just nodded.

“Yes Ma’am. There’s a scholarship I intend to apply for. It’s on their official website.”

“Mhm.” She hummed, staring down at her computer monitor and scrolling down to some page I couldn’t see. “California, huh? Trying to get back so soon?”

“…uh, yes Ma’am.” I laughed awkwardly, heart pounding with anxiety. 

“Is it nice over there? I’ve always wanted to visit.”

“Ah, um, yes. It’s very…the beach. I mean, the beach is very nice.” I stumbled over my words, bouncing my leg and tapping my fingers against the armrest. 

Why was I here? Just to talk about college? 

“Sounds lovely.” She smiled, clicking something and then leaning back in her chair a bit. “Well, Mr. Thomas, I actually called you in here today to discuss your grades.”

Ah. 

“Yeah….those…I’m working on those…” I managed out.

My grades weren’t the best, it was true, but it was hard being in school! I’d already missed a couple days because I genuinely couldn’t get up due to the pain I was in. Sometimes the classroom lights were so bright I’d get a headache so excruciating I couldn’t even think. Not to mention Gym Class, my teacher of which steadily refused to accept my doctors notes and rolled his eyes every time I had to sit out. (He may know about my condition but that didn’t mean he believed me.)

It was exhausting. Only three weeks into my Senior year and I was already praying the end would come sooner.

I justified it by telling myself, hey, it’s early in the year, the less assignments in the system making up a grade means that even one missed assignment tanks the whole thing. But even knowing that…I still wasn’t doing great.

A missed assignment making up a big percent doesn’t matter much when the other assignments are getting Cs. 

I was trying, and it wasn’t good enough. But when was anything I ever did good enough anyway? 

“If you need any help, you know we have many resources available to you,” She said to me with a soft smile. “We have a study hall, a tutoring program, and many of the teachers here stay after school to work one on one with students having a hard time.”

Wonderful. All lovely solutions. 

There was just one, itty-bitty problem.

I didn’t want to do those things!

I could get my grades up just fine on my own, I just had to try a little harder!

Just a little harder.

Just a little-

-

(continued in next episode)