The moment I got home I dodged my Uncle and hid myself away in my room. Crashing down onto my bed and shoving my face into my pillow, I let out a pained shout as loud as I could muster. 

I couldn’t believe this!

No, wait, I totally could, which made it so much worse.

This was truly just my luck.

Slowly, I rolled over and pulled the piece of paper out of my pocket, cradling it gently like if I was too rough it would turn to dust. However, judging from how crumpled it was when Sebastian handed it off to me, I imagined it was probably better off in my hands.

His handwriting was better than it was back then.

The way he writes his S’s was still the same though, it looped in the same way it did when he signed his name on my cast when I broke my arm in 5th grade.

But he doesn’t dot his I’s with hearts, not like he used to, not like I did and he liked so much he copied.

Who are you now, Sebastian Hayes? Are you the same boy who turned away from me when I needed him most, or are you the same boy who dotted the I of his name with a heart because his best friend did it too? 

I was interrupted from my train of thought by a knock at the door, and I quickly yanked open the drawer of my bedside table and tossed the slip of paper inside, slamming it shut as if it was actually something I needed to hide.

“Come in!” I called out, picking up my phone in hopes it would look like I was just mindlessly scrolling instead of staring at a slip of paper like if I did so long enough it would learn to speak and tell me all the secrets of the boy who had given it to me.

The door opened slowly, and my Uncle cautiously stepped in.

“How are you doin’, bud?” He said, smiling softly. Though he looked hesitant, and I knew the walls weren’t the most soundproof so he probably did hear me screaming into my pillow. “How’d the tutoring go?”

“Horribly.” I groaned, letting my head flop back onto the bed and covering my face with the back of my arm.

“Ah, that bad, huh?” He frowned, walking over and taking a seat next to me on the bed. “What happened? Was the kid an asshole? Did they explain stuff badly?”

I sighed, turning away so I didn’t have to look at him. “No. And no. He explained it perfectly, and he was really nice.”

My Uncle was silent for a moment, clearly confused. “…Then what’s the problem?”

“It’s Sebastian.” I whispered. I didn’t mean to whisper, I meant to say it loudly, but I just couldn’t make myself. Maybe if I didn’t admit it, I could convince myself I’d been hallucinating and the person I met in the library was some random student. Maybe.

But I wasn’t hallucinating, it wasn’t some random student, it was him and I was screwed and everything was horrible forever and ever and my life was also ruined. 

“Oh, I see.” Rory said quietly, voice barely above a hum.

I had told him everything by now, poured my heart and soul out to him not long after I first showed up on his doorstep, terrified and bawling my eyes out.

So he knew Sebastian. 

But not the way I knew Sebastian.

I knew him as the boy who tried to sneak into my bedroom to visit me one night and broke my lamp.

I knew him as the boy who would drag me through the forest to play in the river almost every day.

I knew him as the boy who smiled at me when nobody else did.

And I knew him as the boy who turned away from me when everyone else did.

“Did he recognize you?” Rory asked, and I shook my head.

“No, he didn’t.”

“I see. Well I’m sure you can ask the counselor if she can give you a different tutor, just tell her you two didn’t click or something.” He said with a shrug.

“No, I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“B…because what if when he finds out he gets upset? Thinks I didn’t like him or-or like, that he wasn’t doing a good enough job?” I stammered out.

“I’m sure he wont think that-“ My Uncle tried to rationalize.

“You don’t know that!” I exclaimed, and my Uncle sighed, pressing a hand to his face.

“Alright, alright. I don’t know that. So…what? Are you giving up on the tutoring?” He sighed, trying his best not to look or sound exasperated, though I knew all his tells so it was pointless to pretend.

“I…don’t know yet.” I said slowly.

I didn’t want a tutor, sure, especially not Sebastian Hayes.

But he explained things so well, I was able to figure out in two hours what my teacher explained to us over the course of a week! 

And if I…if I gave up on this, would I disappoint Rory? It sure looked like I would. I was doing it for him. If I didn’t get my grades up, if I couldn’t get this scholarship, how would I ever repay him?

I had to see this through.

…for like, a week or so, then I’d quit tutoring.

Just so my Uncle can see that I did try.

“Alright. Well, tell me when you decide, okay Jet?” He said as he stood up,

“Yeah. Thanks for checking on me, Unc.” I smiled, trying not to look like I was battling with myself internally.

“Of course, bud.” He chuckled, stepping out and slowly closing the door behind him.

Before he fully left though, he peered back in to make one last comment. “And don’t forget to stay hydrated! You should be drinking three of those water bottles a day, young man!”

I glanced at my half empty water bottle on the bedside table and forced myself not to roll my eyes. “Got it.”

“Good.” He said, door closing behind him.

The moment it was shut and I heard his footsteps walking away, I yanked my drawer back open and pulled the slip of paper back out.

Quickly, I opened my contacts list and typed the numbers in, my fingers moving in such a familiar way to type the name I had typed so many times before.

I saved his contact, but I didn’t say anything.

At least, not until a few hours later.

Tossing and turning in the dark of my room, I found myself unable to sleep. After rousing myself from bed yet again, I finally gave in and popped open my bottle of painkillers, taking two. 

My body ached so deeply, so intensely, that all I wanted to do in that moment was be unconscious. And yet that same pain was the very thing keeping me from it. How annoying.

So I limped back over to my bed and collapsed onto my mattress, wrapping myself in blankets and sighing as I laid there.

What was I doing?

Why was I considering this?

Why was I even trying to spare his feelings, he probably wouldn’t even care!

But he was always so sensitive…so sweet…

Ugh. Was.

I didn’t know how he was now. He seemed sweet, sure, but I was a stranger to him. His whole job was to be sweet, get me to understand stuff so he can get his volunteer hours, or like, nice person points or whatever.

He doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t know me. 

And yet, regardless of what I thought, my hand still reached out and wrapped around my phone.

I winced as I turned it on, temporarily blinded by the light as I unlocked it and quickly lowered the brightness.

Paying absolutely no mind to the late hour, I sought out his contact and typed out a message.

‘Friday. After School. Library. Meet Me.’

Bam. Sent.

I dropped the phone back onto my nightstand and turned to rest my head back on the pillow but quickly remembered I had forgotten quite a few notably important details in that message and quickly grabbed it again.

‘Please. This is Ellis by the way’

‘I mean Jet’

‘Sory for texting you so late btw’

And with that I placed my phone back on my nightstand and laid back down.

Not long after that did the painkillers kick in and finally allow me to fall asleep.

When I woke up the next morning, groggy, a little dizzy, and feeling nauseous (as per usual), I turned my phone on to see he had replied a mere three minutes after I sent the original message.

‘See you there, Jet. :)’

…This was going to be a very long week.