Thank GOD it’s Friday.

I understand now why there’s songs about that.

By the time I got home I was so tired I was almost falling asleep on my feet, so when I woke up the next morning and realized I did not in fact, have to go to school today, it was such a relief that a single tear fell from my eye.

Then I went back to sleep.

When I woke up the next afternoon, I picked up my phone and realized I had a missed text.

From Sebastian?

‘Just wanted to check in and see if you were feeling better. Hope you were able to sleep better tonight. Are we still on for Monday after school?’

He checked on me?

Ignoring the light and fluttery feeling that realization instilled upon me, I began to type up a response.

‘I’m good, thanks.’

‘Yeah we’re still on’

‘Same place as usual?’

After dropping my phone back onto my bed I leaned back against the pillow and sighed.

Why was I doing this to myself?

I should’ve just asked for a different tutor.

I couldn’t change it now, not after he’d given me his number and been so nice to me and checked up on me and-

Ugh this sucked.

But when I felt my phone buzz against the blanket, I dove for it. 

‘Yeah.’

One word and yet it sent me tumbling down a rollercoaster of emotion.

Did he know how it made me feel when he spoke to me?

No. He didn’t. That’s what made it hurt so badly.

Because Ellis ‘Jet’ Thomas and Sebastian Hayes are strangers. Classmates. Nothing more.

Ellis didn’t comfort Sebastian when his grandmother died. Sebastian didn’t hold Ellis’ hand and tell him that no matter what happened they would always be friends. Ellis didn’t run to Sebastians house in the middle of the night to beg him to run away with him. 

Sebastian and Ellis didn’t grow up together.

Maybe in another life they did.

But not this life.

In this life Sebastian grew up with the ghost of a girl who everyone pretended didn’t exist now, simply because they were too small-minded to believe that ‘she’ wasn’t what everyone told her she had to be. 

In this life Ellis was forced to smile as his former best friend didn’t recognize him and pretend he was okay with that.

Why wasn’t he?

Just…why can’t things be different?

Why did I want Sebastian to recognize me?

I didn’t, not really.

But some part of me did. Some part of me ached for it.

I wanted to see the recognition in his eyes. Wanted him to tell me he missed me, wrap his arms around me again and-

No.

I don’t want that.

I can’t want that.

I just want this to be over.

Because I think the only thing worse than him discovering me is having to stand beside him and pretend.

Pretend like I don’t know him.

And pretend like I don’t want him to know me.

-

The weekend flew by far too fast.

I spent most of it asleep, as intended by whatever higher power invented weekends.

When Monday rolled around, so did that same old feeling of dread.

Once again I wondered how worth it skipping school would be.

I lingered at home until the last minute and ended up stumbling into my first period class with thirty seconds to spare.

Classes spun by, and this time I actually bothered to ask someone where room 221 was.

I walked into my new fourth period history class very nearly late, and immediately I wished I had just skipped again.

Because there, three rows across and four rows back, was Sebastian Hayes.

He didn’t glance up as I walked in, instead fiddling with his pencil.

“Ah, you must be Ellis.” My new history teacher, Mr. Mulligan, said with a smile. He was tall, with brown hair and a sweater vest that I swore I’d seen him wear at an assembly at the beginning of the year. “Your seat is over in the back.” 

He pointed and my heart sank before I realized he was not in fact directing me to sit next to Sebastian, instead two rows back and one row across.

Thank god.

But as I looked over, he saw me and perked up immediately, gently waving.

I lifted my hand and returned the wave before walking back to my seat.

For the entire class I was unable to focus.

I spent the whole time focused on Sebastian, watching as he wrote.

He looked so focused, it was almost impressive.

Meanwhile I was so….so not.

When the bell rang to dismiss us for lunch, I gathered my stuff and walked out but was stopped by a hand tugging on my jacket sleeve.

“Hey, Jet.” That familiar voice said to me, and I turned towards it.

“Sebastian, hey. Funny seeing you here.” I said with a smile, hiding the internal turmoil I was currently going through, though probably not well.

“Yeah. Did you get enough sleep this time?” He said to me, smiling softly.

I chuckled a bit. “Did you?” Sebastian had always had trouble sleeping, ever since we were kids.

But I realized after he looked at me confused that I wasn’t supposed to know that.

“What do you mean?” He tilted his head.

“I mean, you look exhausted.” I shrugged, eyes suddenly needing to be looking anywhere but at him.

He hummed. “Oh, yeah. Don’t worry about that. I just look like that sometimes.” He shrugged. “Thanks for asking though.”

Ugh, why are you literally so nice, it’s killing me.

“Yeah…yeah. Well, I’ll see you after school. I have…uh, I have to get going.” I said suddenly. 

“Oh, well, I was going to ask if you wanted to have lunch together but…maybe next time?” He shrugged, smiling ever so slightly.

Quickly I opened my mouth to deny him, tell him I had plans or ate lunch somewhere else or literally anything else, but I couldn’t.

“…maybe next time.” I said instead, and his face lit up.

“Great! See you after school.” He said with a grin, before turning and walking down the hall away from me.

The moment he walked off I let out a long sigh.

I truly was digging myself into a hole, wasn’t I?

-

I didn’t go to gym class. I had enough to deal with today and honestly just didn’t feel like having to go through the usual debacle that class presented to me. My gym teacher can’t complain about my inability to change and participate if I’m not there!

So I went to the library early. 

I was writing at the top of my notebook a message to myself to make another appointment with the school counselor, this time to try and get my gym class switched out for real this time, when I heard footsteps coming in my direction.

I glanced up and again, there he was. His hair was tied back, but only partly, as his bangs were still hanging low over his eyes and his hair still kissed the edges of his shoulders.

He smiled softly and waved, and I waved back, smiling as well.

My heart soared when I saw him again, but that elated feeling was quickly shot down by a wave of dread and anxiety.

Why did I feel like this? Why was I so happy to see him? I shouldn’t be. None of this should be happening.

Once again oblivious to my internal turmoil, he pulled out a chair and took a seat next to me.

“How were your other classes?” He said softly, smiling at me and looking at me in a way that had me convinced that he actually wanted to know and wasn’t in fact, just asking to fill the space.

“Alright I guess.” I chuckled, flicking the edge of a page in my notebook. 

“…that’s good. I think.” He replied, glancing away from me as he tugged out one of his own notebooks. “I can’t believe we’re in the same class now, huh? What a coincidence.”

“Mhm.” Coincidentally just my luck, more like.

“If you ever need the notes for that class, I’ve got you.” He grinned, shooting me a finger gun and winking before turning back to his notebook.

“Thanks, it’s appreciated.” I said earnestly. 

He nodded, and we lapsed into a…silence. Not an awkward one, not a tense one, just a silence.

It felt strange for this silence to be…comfortable. It felt uncomfortable for it to be comfortable because knowing it was comfortable reminded me of the comfortable silences back when we were kids, when we knew each other well enough to know we didn’t need to talk to enjoy our time together. It was making me uncomfortable how comfortable I still felt next to him, but luckily for me he quickly broke the silence so I didn’t have to think about that anymore. 

“Alright, let’s get started. Show me what you’ve been working on lately.”

I nodded, trying not to sigh in relief that I had something else to focus on now.

The hours passed quickly, and before I knew it we had packed up and were leaving. This time, though, I didn’t linger behind. 

I was expecting to exit the library and have him wave and walk off the other direction, but no. 

I guess he still lived in the same house all these years. I’d been kind of hoping he had moved to the other side of town just so we wouldn’t have to walk home in the same direction, but alas.

He didn’t even try to make small talk, content just strolling beside me at first. He kept pace with me despite the fact that he was both taller and more able to walk than I was, and lucky for me he didn’t ask why I was so slow or even make a jab at how I was ‘lagging behind’ or some crap like that.

That was nice, I think. 

“Do you live around here?” He asked as we strolled down the street.

“Mhm.” I nodded, biting my lip to try and disguise how much pain I was in.

“You just moved here, right?”

“Yeah. This past summer.” I sighed, focusing on wiggling my toes inside my shoes to try and get the pain to subside a bit.

“Wow. Where did you live before?” He asked, tilting his head again. I had to bite my lip to not smile at that.

“Azalea Bay, California.” I replied simply.

“Woah. That’s far.”

“Yeah, very.”

“What’s it like there, if you don’t mind me asking? I’ve uh..never been outside of Hyacinth Creek.” He chuckled lightly, but avoided my gaze as he asked. 

I opened my mouth to answer but hesitated, surprised by how strange and honestly…upsetting it was to have him telling me things about his life that I already knew because he didn’t know me anymore. It hurt, like a knife twisting in an old stab wound. Or, as a less dramatic comparison, pressing on an old splinter you forgot was there.

“I…um…it’s nice. It’s sunny and bright, but it can get really hot. It doesn’t snow there, but it also doesn’t get nearly as cold. It barely ever rains and there’s a ton of mountains on every side. Oh, and the beach is nice to look at.” I said, smiling to myself as I recalled my real home.

“That sounds beautiful.”

“It was. Is. It is.” I said, stumbling over my words a bit. 

It is beautiful, and it will be just as beautiful in a year when I can leave and go back.

But soon we reached the road my house was on and as I turned, he kept going straight.

“Ah. Well, I guess this is where we part ways for the night.” He said, and though he was smiling, he looked a little disappointed. I couldn’t help but feel bad about that. “It was nice talking to you. See you…tomorrow.” 

My breath caught in my throat as I recalled a memory from years ago. That night that he snuck out to see me and gave me that rock…

I wonder if I still have it.

“See you-“ I replied, biting my tongue to resist the urge to say ‘later’ in hopes I would see a flicker of recognition in his gaze. 

He walked off, and I noticed that he walked a lot faster when I wasn’t beside him.

Did he slow down on purpose just so he could talk to me?

I pressed my hand to my chest. 

These moments with him tasted so bittersweet.

And yet I craved them.