Roger Barr

As the last drop of sunlight plunged with the others into the end of Earth, the clock stopped and announced loud and clear that it was time. Without waiting to see if we were ready, it had already turned 5 and soon the sound of bells rang throughout the house like a distorted melody of repetition; the composer must have dozed off and submitted blindly a rhythm without a climax or an ending.

"Hi!" Cheers of welcome crowded the front door. Hugs and wishes of joy exchanged until it was worn out. "Good to see you, aunties." Everyone arrived at once like a stampede but I was able to give each and one of them my love. They complimented my style and I did the same while adding a few notes on their slightly changed appearance.

"You look beautiful in that dress. Oh and did you cut your hair? It suits you perfectly. Makes you look younger," Aunt Nancy giggled.

"You look as elegant as ever, Aunt Bea. Always so fashionable," Aunt Bea smiled with full satisfaction after giving me a dramatic twirl of her latest dress.

"You look absolutely stunning and I saw your latest vacation post. Chef’s kiss quality photos from the one and only Aunt Char," she's a famous photographer and has been spending her days exploring the world. She said it was time for her to run wild and take pictures outside the studios— once again experiencing what started it all.

"Your son never runs out of what to say," mom chuckled and took dad's hand, "Learned from the best."

It was an inside joke among them. How dad took hold of mom's heart was a story I have heard too many times that it has been one of the ways I tried to win Tiffany's heart— I clenched my hands and scolded myself for thinking about her. It was the first time today— her unwanted visit — which was something to celebrate because this date was the hardest of all. It used to be a special day that we've been doing for five years.

The first year, I was frozen in time— every second rewinded back to what could and would happen. The second year without her, it was tolerable — for a few hours before everything crept like a parasite. I could almost hear her laughter at my dad’s joke while mom rolled her eyes at listening to the same lame jokes.

This year, her presence was almost unnoticed until I remembered our first meeting. Dad’s way of wooing mom was my guide to capture her heart. “He learned from the best,” Tiffany declared when mom retold their love story.

I oppressed her presence by distracting myself with everyone and catching up with their lives. It was working but I could feel her existence haunting me.

Before dinner, we served appetizers to start the evening. Light snacks with wine while the kids had juice. "Roger, this is my friend, Lea." My cousin introduced a girl. We didn’t mind having an unannounced plus-one since we had plenty of food to feed everyone and even the extras but it began to be a problem when she started giving me signals.

"Hello," I smiled, taking an uncomfortable sip. "Tara never mentioned having an amazing cousin. She said you’re an engineer?" she started off, I nodded blankly. She continued rambling while I listened absentmindedly— somehow the weather seemed more interesting, hence I thought about the weather and how it would affect the materials. "Roger?" I hummed in response and she continued. Tara eyed me disapprovingly, so I tried harder. I gave a few replies while ignoring her flirtatious gesture.

"I'm sorry but I need to help my mother," she looked disappointed as I left the conversation but Tara quickly pulled her attention away. The kitchen was bustling with laughter as all my aunties were helping mom. "Any room for a pair of manly hands?" I knocked.

"You came at the right time!" Aunt Char handed me her camera and told me to take as many photos as I can of the girls. Everyone laughed but instantly stopped to pose passionately with a huge grin pasted on their faces— they pretended to be models, which warmed my heart. "These are important memories especially when you're getting older and remembering is a new challenge," Aunt Char mentioned the worth of every click and complained about the new problem of being old which soon opened a new conversation.

Like the wind, I glided through the kitchen and took the food out while listening to their conversation and also replied when needed. "I just happened to see your new neighbour, he looks stunning," Aunt Bea giggled and drank to her girlish crush despite being married and blessed with two children. The girls shrieked like teenagers and another topic began without a hitch— they always jumped from one topic to another as rapidly as a blink.

"I saw him too!" Aunt Char mentioned.

"You said he had just broken off with his partner?" Mom nodded. "I wonder why?" Auntie Bea pondered. "I wish I was there to witness it. My only guess, they fell out of love," Aunt Nancy hypothesized.

"But I do think he's a good man— a gentleman. Never stop smiling and always laughing. However, he's very mysterious. Never talk about his wife, just his daughters," mom added. "Oh, I think I saw them when I landed. I believe we took the same flight," Aunt Char said.

"One of them was expecting and another bought cookies that filled out the entire plane like Christmas's lights," I remembered his elevated mood when he mentioned having a new family member, "I haven't held a baby after Janey. She was so small and fragile. It was love at first sight. I never knew I could experience that feeling again."

He told me, it was a magical feeling. A love so strong that you feel like you could do anything. "You feel like you've become Superman and nothing can break you."

"Ladies. I think everyone's starving," dad popped into the kitchen and they giggled at their forgetfulness. "Oh, tell everyone it's ready and it’s all thanks to this handsome son of mine," mom pulled me for a kiss.

The dinner came in motion as everyone took their seat and food filled their plates. I was sitting next to Tara and her friend next to her. I could feel her glances but I turned a blind eye. Mom noticed as well but looking at my expression, she disregarded it as nothing. She knew my expression to a tee. Which are very helpful at times like this but never in the morning or when the house is too quiet.

"I heard, Harry is off the market," Aunt Nancy's husband, Uncle Troy, announced and all eyes were on the very man. He blushed and nodded, he was stuck in the spotlight— just like me a few years back. Tara eagerly spilled everything, from how they've met to the proposal. Harry just let her sister have the fun— taking off the weight of having to walk everyone through his love life.

Lea jumped in and added a few things especially during the proposal. She was blending in and almost sounded like one of us. "He was totally in love, they would go everywhere together," She teased.

"What about you, Roger? Anyone holding your heart?" She added, instantly the atmosphere turned heavy— all motion stopped. The tension was noticeable even to Lea, who was innocent. "No one. I'm a free man," I joked lightly. Harry saved Lea by announcing that his fiancee was planning a pre-wedding party to introduce the family.

He dropped the dates and most said they could join. Then, the talk of weddings became the main topic. Tara whispered to Lea and her eyes bluntly snapped to mine, I offered a smile.

"Dinner was fantastic as always, dear, but sadly I have to go. I have a flight to catch!" Aunt Char bid farewell, she was escaping the cold. My grandparents could only shake their heads at their youngest daughter. "She's old but her spirit still runs like a wild horse," grandma whispered to me and we laughed. We stayed together for the rest of the evening, her frail body in my arms as we listened to everyone talking about insignificant issues; the seasonal games, today’s pictures taken by everyone, recent memes.

"I'm going to hit the hay now. The night has gone old in my clock," she announced and I took her to the guest room. Grandpa is still up and energetic. "Thank you, dear." I gave her a kiss and was ready to leave but she grabbed my hand. "Why don't you stay here for a while?" I chuckled and laid down next to her.

"Tell me, is that girl still occupying your life?" I didn't answer right away. I kept pondering such a simple question but somehow, answering was laborious.

"Sometimes. Unexpected times and places," she hummed in response while her hands held mine.

"It's hard to get over but you will," she said effortlessly but her eyes held certainties that I couldn’t help trusting her wholeheartedly.

"How do you know?" she tittered at my query. "You just have to blindly believe in me because I'm your grandma and old. I've experienced all kinds of heartbreaks."

"And I know you'll be happy one day. Someone is going to ram your stubborn door open and pull you out. Then, you'll see something more magical. Something meant only for you."

I left once her breathing slowed down— slumber claiming her for the night. The living room was still rowdy but some had already excused themselves for the night. Only Aunt Bea's family and her daughter's friend were still here. Grandpa retreated and all that’s left are the youngsters.

"I think we better go. Thank you for having us and the food was heavenly, Nat. You have to send me the recipes," We were saying our farewells out front. Lea gave her thanks and sent me her last best smile before heading out with the rest.

I sighed in relief and started cleaning everything. "Let them be, you can do it tomorrow," dad said but I needed to move. Talking with grandma made me think of her again and it was getting suffocating.

"It's fine. I still have a few bars left. You guys should rest," I gave them a kiss and took all the dirty cups and plates to the kitchen. I scrubbed every dirty stain and wiped every filthy surface. We had no leftovers since everyone took some home. They couldn't get enough and mom also packed for Lea and her family.

"The kitchen has never been this clean before," mom stood at the door with a knowing smile. "I think I overdid it," I chuckled and let go of the mop. I didn't notice how far I've gone from washing the dishes to mopping the floor. It only felt like a few minutes but looking at my watch— quite some time had passed.

"Can't sleep or afraid to?" She sat down on the counter's stool and my body swiftly made hot chocolate. I just feel like it was an important piece for this conversation. The sweetness to lighten up everything was muchly needed.

"Both?" I was unsure, she thanked me for the mug and I sat down next to her.

"I understand. You don’t need to hide your feelings, especially when everyone is here. They love you and they’ll understand."

"Was I too obvious?" I let out a stiff chortle. She nodded.

“You’re overdoing it, Roger. Wanting to forget everything is normal but what’s important here is not forgetting, rather it’s healing. You’re being too hard on yourself. You need to see that getting by without her— being alone, isn’t lonely. It’s nice to be able to focus on yourself. The good and bad memories will one day, be memories— time will help you with that,” I slumped down on the counter, cooling my overworked mind.

"Today’s her birthday and you've always celebrated together. I sometimes think about her. Honestly, several times today actually. It became a habit to bake her favourite. But I stopped myself because we’re not in the past. However, it doesn’t mean baking that cake is easy. It’s not because it’s filled with memories. Even so, I believe, one day, I’ll be baking it again and we’ll eat a slice— making new memories," mom laid out as she stroked my head.

“It doesn’t mean, we’ve truly forgotten about her because we’ll never be able to— she was once a part of our lives. Eating that cake meant those memories aren’t painful anymore and don’t hold onto us like a leech. We’ll remember and that day will overlap with the old ones.”

"It's great that you're trying but don't push it too far. Let the heart heal by itself and not by force." She kissed my forehead and suggested I stop cleaning for the night.

I stared at the empty mugs and pondered on the advice. I clenched my chest as her face came into my mind. The twinkles in her eyes as she beamed and her adorable chortle ran wildly, drowning me yet again.

Healing is no picnic or a walk to the park, it’s going to be gruelling— emotionally and physically. “But where do I start?” An exhausted sigh escaped. I stared at my phone, at her profile for some time before my trembling hand unfollowed her. Promptly making her pictures and videos closed to the public eye.