Tuesday morning quickly turned to Tuesday night, and soon enough it was Wednesday morning. 

While I wasn’t in nearly as much pain as I was yesterday, I still didn’t feel great. Honestly, I felt kind of alright until I thought of going to school, when suddenly I became both nauseous and dizzy. Funny how that works.

So once again I told my uncle I’d be staying home today. 

I went back to sleep, he went to work. 

When I woke up somewhere around 1pm, I saw a text from him letting me know he’d be stopping by the school on the way home to pick up any homework and missing class work I needed. 

I just sighed and ignored it. 

…I also saw a couple of texts from Sebastian. 

But when I went to reply, I felt something in my chest burning, the fluttering feeling of anxiety making me even dizzier, making the ache burn deeper. 

So I ignored his texts too. 

Everyone wanted to get in contact with me today! Even the pizza place was desperate…too many notifications…

Like Tuesday, I spent most of Wednesday in bed, either asleep or playing video games.

Though I did force myself up to practice a bit of guitar. If there was one thing I refused to let my pain take away from me, it was this. But refusing wasn’t really working. My fingers kept trying to bend the wrong way and I eventually had to put it down.

At least I tried, I guess.

When the sun began to set, I began to feel worse. I was dizzy again, my head hurt, and my whole body felt wrong in a way I knew would make any doctor roll their eyes were I to describe this to them.

At some point in the night, after spending hours fighting against my own dizziness to attempt to finish playing through the entirety of a game I had found for free online last week, I just decided to throw in the towel and go to sleep.

If turning it off and on again worked for electronics, why couldn’t it work for people?

When I woke up on Thursday morning, I still didn’t feel great. Physically I was…eh, alright enough, but mentally it felt as though there was a dark cloud looming over me.

I figured, ah, well, I’ve missed two days already, why not a third?

So I went back to bed.

When I opened my eyes, I checked my phone.

It was 1:12PM, and my Uncle had texted me that he was going to be home late from work.

When I sat up and stretched, though my heart pounded, I didn’t suddenly feel like I was going to collapse. Well, not much more than I usually did at least.

Instead of doing any of the classwork I missed, I opened my laptop and tried to load up one of my games again but I quickly realized it was dead. I must’ve either forgotten to plug it in or had knocked the charger out in the night.

Whatever. It didn’t matter.

So I spent about an hour wandering the house. I got some food, watched some TV, and then I spent maybe fifteen minutes staring out of the window at the murky gray sky.

It always got like this during Fall. 

I had missed it.

And before I could think better of it, I got dressed.

After locking the door, I stuffed the keys in my pocket and began to walk down the street.

The air stung my nose as I breathed in the sweet, crisp chill. It smelled like leaves…

I really had missed it. Missed this.

It’s…crazy really, I thought when I was a kid that I’d spend the rest of my life here. 

I loved the weather, I loved the cloudy days and the snowy days and the storms and the rain and I loved the way I could look up and see all those stars in the sky and even though I knew I could see them nearly anywhere it was different here because here they were mine.

Because this was my home.

Now it was just a place I lived, though I hoped eventually it wouldn’t even be that.

Because my home didn’t want me. Well, the people didn’t.

The forest floor still made the same satisfying crunching sound as I walked over dry leaves and bark.

The air still smelled just as sweet.

The trees still sung to me as I walked through them.

So I think some part of this town wanted me here, in whatever way it could.

I had missed that.

I missed this town, the place that had once been my home.

But the thing about home is that when you leave you can never really go back.

My home was gone because it was destroyed four years ago.

My bridges were burned and I built myself a new life, a new home to run to.

Now this was just the empty shell of what I once had, doing nothing but reminding me of what I would’ve had if I could’ve just been normal.

I crossed my arms over my chest, almost as if trying to defend myself against my own thoughts.

It was true though, I knew that. Everyone knew that.

If I wasn’t trans I would probably still be here, living the same uninterrupted life I began here seventeen years ago.

But I was trans, and when everyone found out I was ostracized. I wasn’t a person anymore, I was confused. I was a mistake. I was something to be fixed. 

I was born wrong and I needed to be saved from myself.

But I knew if I let their hate change me, there would be nothing left of me at the end of it.

If I forced myself to stay silent any longer then I would’ve been silent for an eternity. It’s not all that hard to stay silent in a coffin, is it?

Their hatred and ignorance would’ve killed me.

Or rather, it would’ve killed the real me.

And I didn’t want to let them.

I had no regrets for doing what I did.

I knew leaving was the right decision.

But if I had the choice…

I don’t know. It’s hard to know what I’d choose in an entirely different situation.

If I could’ve wished for anything, I would’ve wished that the people I once believed in understood. That I could’ve lived my life here as me, and that my parents and my neighbors and my classmates and my aunts and other uncles and everyone I had once loved and cared for wouldn’t have realized that they loved and cared for me but only under these specific conditions.

I wish they would’ve loved me as me.

I wish this town wanted me here.

But it didn’t, and yet I was here anyway, wishing for nothing more than to leave.

It didn’t matter. It was just a year. Time flies, right?

…just fly a little faster!

I just kept walking, my feet carrying me down a familiar path.

The sound of rushing water met my ears and I couldn’t help but smile as it did, remembering how I felt the first time I ever heard that sound. 

It was easier to climb up the tunnel now that I was taller. I didn’t even have to use my hands to climb, I simply stepped up and sat down on the edge, dangling my legs down over.

It wasn’t as far of a drop as it had seemed when I was a kid, but it was still equally dizzying somehow.

The tunnel on its own wasn’t much taller than I was. Hell, I might even have to crouch down if I were to climb inside.

Seeing this place now, it felt so strange.

Because I saw it through the lens of all I had been through.

I saw it as the kid who was led here to find a place away from everyone else, a refuge just for him and his best friend.

But I also saw it as the boy who had run away and believed he would never see it again, as the boy who had accepted that this town and everything in it was better left in the past.

It was like every happy memory here was tainted a bit by what had happened.

I wished it wasn’t. I’d like to miss this place like a normal person, thank you very much.

I wasn’t sure how long I spent sitting there, letting the calming sounds of the forest wash over me.

It was wonderful out here, all alone.

Until I suddenly wasn’t.

“Jet?” A voice spoke up from behind me and I jumped, gripping the edge of the concrete so I wouldn’t slip off and into the water below. “Oh, sorry, sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you!” The owner of the voice said, and I heard the crunch of rapidly approaching footsteps as the familiar person rushed up behind me.

I turned back, and there he was.

Sebastian. …because of course. 

“I haven’t seen you in school for the past few days.” He said, panting. He was still wearing his backpack, so he must’ve come straight here. 

“…yeah, sorry, I was sick.” I said simply, turning away.

“I texted you, did you not get my messages?” He sounded a little sad as he spoke, and I suddenly felt deeply guilty. Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I opened my texts to look at the several from him.

‘Missed you in class today :(‘

‘Are you feeling alright?’

‘I can stop by and drop off your homework if you want’

‘Will you be in class tomorrow?’

‘How are you feeling today?’

I winced. “No, I’m sorry, I didn’t. I’ve been asleep for…most of the last three days.” I lied. What was I supposed to say? ‘Yeah, I saw them, but the thought of replying to you made me dizzy because I kept thinking of everything that happened and how different it is now and I’m also still pretty angry about what happened four years ago that I can’t even tell you about because to you I’m a stranger so I decided to ignore you’? No way I’m saying that. Whatever, it’s fine. Just another lie to add to the pile.

“Oh. Alright. Are you feeling any better now?” He said, and I turned to look at him. His hair was loose again, though he was wearing a beanie that forced his bangs a little further over his eyes.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he looked relieved that I hadn’t been ignoring him. All the more reason to not mention it. 

“Yeah, a little.” I shrugged, noticing that he was giving me a wide berth. “It’s not contagious by the way, you don’t need to stand so far.”

My gaze fell back to the water below, but I heard slow footsteps as he walked up beside me, and a crunch as he tossed his bag down in the leaves behind us.

“Do you mind if I sit?” He said, and I glanced up at him.

“I don’t own this place, sit wherever.” I said dismissively, trying to pretend like I didn’t care despite the fact I really really really did care, like a lot. I couldn’t tell if I wanted him nowhere near me or right next to me at all times.

Those two desires were warring in my head, all the while I was trying to smother one of them and pretend like I didn’t feel it. (Guess which.)

I was just…really really bad at it.

Slowly he lowered himself down beside me, and for a few moments we sat in silence. I said nothing as I tried to suffocate my conflicting emotions again. I didn’t know why he was quiet. 

“So, what are you doing out here? I’ve never seen you here before.” He finally said.

With a start I realized, oh shoot, he’s right. Nobody ever came back here. That was the whole point of this being our special place.

I just shrugged, avoiding his gaze again. “I wasn’t feeling great, so I wanted to explore. Went wandering and…well, I found this place. Thought it looked cool. Reminded me of…someplace I used to spend a lot of time.” I sighed. I wasn’t technically lying. I was just…not telling the full truth. Though I’m not sure why it mattered to me if I was lying, since I was lying to him about a lot of things. 

“Mhm. I see.” He said simply, letting us fall back into silence.

It stayed that way for nearly five minutes that time.

I was beginning to get nervous, he had been quiet for so long when he finally spoke up, tilting his head back to peer up at the sky.

“Sorry for acting weird, it’s just…nobody ever comes back here. Just me and- just me.”

My eyes flicked to him as I registered his slip of the tongue.

Just me and- just me.

Does he still think about me?

No. It’s just this place. We spent a lot of time here, of course he would think about me.

“Oh, really? It’s a cool place.” I muttered, trying to be casual. Wasn’t quite sure if I was succeeding though. 

"Yeah…it really is.” He sighed, staring off into the sky like he was recalling something.

“Well, I’ll…I’ll leave you to it. I didn’t mean to intrude.” I said, shifting as I tried to force myself to my feet, but he reached out and grabbed my arm, stopping me.

“Wait-!” He gasped, and we both froze. Quickly he dropped my arm and turned away, face suddenly red with embarrassment. “I mean…I don’t own this place. It’s…um….I mean, it’s too nice of a place just for me to enjoy. You…you should stay.” He stammered, wrapping his arms around himself as if he was afraid. 

And for a moment when I looked at him, I felt the same way I had when we were kids. 

I wanted to wrap my arms around him and reassure him, tell him everything would be alright and…all that ridiculous cheesy stuff.

More than anything I wanted to tell him that I missed him.

More than that I wanted to ask if he missed me.

Do you ever think about me?

Do you spend your nights awake, wondering where we’d be if you had made a different choice, like I do?

Do you ever feel lost without me like I felt without you?

Do you miss me like I miss you?

I didn’t say any of those things. How could I?

“Alright, I’ll stay. It is a nice place. Too nice for just one person.” I said instead, shooting him a teasing smile before sitting back down. “Better get used to sharing.”

He looked relieved. I couldn’t tell if it was because I didn’t leave or just because he didn’t want to seem rude by accidentally chasing me away.

We didn’t end up staying there for much longer.

Eventually my back began to hurt from sitting up there, and I told him I had to get home and get some rest, especially if he wanted me back at school the next day.

Before I left I told him that I’d make sure to check my phone more often so I could reply to his messages.

He thanked me very casually for that, but I could see the way his lip curled, the way it always did when he was forcing himself not to smile.

And I had to force myself not to smile at that.

We said our goodbyes and went our separate ways, and that night I laid in bed thinking about that moment over and over and over again like a broken record.

I hadn’t realized how much I missed going there with him. It felt so strange to be there again, four years later, while he thought I was a different person.

It was so bittersweet it made my stomach churn.

It felt wonderful to sit beside him again, staring down at the water.

It felt almost as wonderful as it had the day he brought me there.

Almost.

Late that night I got another text from him.

All it read was: ‘See you tomorrow?’

I couldn’t help but smile.

‘See you then.’