I don’t know why I didn’t expect Aki to have a phone. Before I left for home yesterday, he gave me his number and I told him I’d call. Or text. Or both. Now I’m just laying in bed wondering if I should. On one hand, entertaining his delusion that I’ll actually join a fucking circus is a recipe for disaster. But on the other… 

I shake my head to clear my thoughts. I’m too trusting, really. Well… too trusting of this person especially. I don’t really know him, even if it feels like I do. I can’t act like this. I certainly can’t act like this if it turns out he has someone.

I check myself. Why would it matter if he did? It’s not like I’ve even spent a whole day with him since we really met. …To hell with it if there is a party that I’m crashing. I let him go once, and I’m not letting him go again. Maybe I will do anything to keep him to myself this time. 

My thoughts are disconnected and circling like this until I finally hit call, my brain instantly quiet. Too quiet, since I need something to talk about, at least. I’m spiraling again and don’t notice that he’s picked up until I hear his voice.

“...hello?” His voice is groggy, like he just woke up.

“Uh… It’s Haruka.” I respond, hoping I don’t sound as unready to speak as I feel. “You told me to call you…?”

There’s rustling on the other line, and his voice is suddenly a little more alert. “Right… yeah, let me save your number…” More rustling. “Okay, yeah. All good on your part of things?”

…what’s that even supposed to mean? How am I? “Alright… you?” I guess.

“All good here. Have you been thinking about joining?” He seems to be settling into a rhythm of conversation while I’m still stuck on beginning introductions. 

“Sort of? It’s not as easy as you make it sound, Aki.”

“Mhm… I’m aware. I’m just hoping you’re not opposed to the idea of spending more time around me, really. It sounds like you thought I wasn’t real for a bit there. You’re not uncomfortable around me… right?” He sounds genuinely worried.

“What..?” This conversation isn’t taking the direction I thought it would. “No? I’m not uncomfortable with you, Aki.” I sigh. Was it a mistake to get myself involved with this boy..? Even thinking that feels wrong.

He doesn’t seem convinced, but it’s not spoken of again. “Right… So did you call for anything in particular?” He yawns.

I check the time. “Were you asleep? It’s only seven. And not really. I only called because you’d asked me to before I left yesterday.”

“Nah, I wasn’t asleep. Just tired. I didn’t sleep much last night. The girls gave me an earful.” He mumbles.

“The girls?” I echo, apprehensive. 

“Oh. Right. You didn’t get to meet them yesterday or the day before. Our acrobats, Spotlight and Forget-Me-Not. They weren’t happy with me cutting the show short because of a “random volunteer”.”

“Did you explain the… situation to them?” I’m not sure how to describe the events of the night.

“We aren’t close like that. The girls and I, I mean. I’m sure they’re nice and all, but I really don’t know them like that. They’re really talented, but I don’t even know their names. Their real ones, I mean.” Aki explains.

“You don’t..? Isn’t there some kind of paperwork that has to have their names on it, since they’re employed by the circus?” I tilt my head even though he can’t see me.

“They aren’t. Not to my knowledge, anyway. Neither am I.” 

“...you’re not? Don’t you get paid to work there?” I furrow my brows.

“Sure I do.” There’s a pause, as if he’s adjusting his position. “The circus is kind of a protection program for its workers. They pay Mirra directly, and they make sure that he pays us. It could be more efficient, but it keeps us all out of the public eye. Personally, anyway. Mirra is the only one that’s really employed. But don’t worry, we get most of the benefits of a real job.”

I take a moment to dwell on all that. “...that makes no sense. It’s like a child came up with the idea for that system.”

“Don’t say that to Mirra,” Aki laughs. “It was his idea, you know.”

“...why do you need protection? What from?” I ask after a moment’s hesitation. I was about to just not ask, but I’d rather be open with Aki, if we’re going to be spending more time together in the future. Am I really considering this, even after everything he just said…? What could I possibly be gaining from this?

Aki is silent. “If you want to talk about this, I feel like it should be in person, don’t you?” Another pause. “It’s not exactly a light topic.”

I’m suddenly reminded of the period where the only times I saw him- some time in middle school- were the times he was asleep. I really felt like a creep, but he just seemed so exhausted. Usually, I wouldn’t see him while he was asleep, but he wasn’t in a bed or anything. The times I’m thinking of, he was sitting- probably at a table or desk- with his head in his hands. It was strange, and middle schooler me couldn’t really wrap her head around it. 

“...yeah. Let’s talk in person. When can I-” I start.

I’m cut off by his voice, which carries a more serious undertone than usual. “Great. I’m coming over. Where do you live?”