My head pounded something horrible when I woke up, mouth dry as cotton to boot. The light pouring into the room made me squint my eyes at the window. I wondered briefly what time it was, but I figured it was sometime around afternoon based on the offensive amount of light there was streaming in. I stretched and slowly made my way to my bathroom. Holding each side of the sink as I studied my reflection. 

I looked like shit, dark circles hung under my red eyes, hair was an absolute mess like I had tried to fight a wildcat. I couldn’t bear to look at the man in the mirror for long. “What the hell did I do to myself last night?” Dragging a hand down the side of my face, I tried to not let the disappointment seep in too deep.

I took my time in the shower and made myself look more presentable. I tried to remember the festivities I’d partaken in last night but it was a blur. Two years flew by fast and now it was getting towards the end of the program and most of us would be moving on to bigger and better things. So, I had suggested we party the night away. There had been so much dancing, drinking, and conversation with people I had become quite fond of. In theory it was supposed to be a wonderful night. And up until I think I hit my drinking limit; it had been great. 

I had worked closely with these people, watched them grow and become stronger. I was proud of the work we had done. I regretted putting this off for as long as I had. Grandfather had suggested I do this about 10 years ago, but I had told him I wanted to study longer. I didn’t know how long I would have to pursue my own interests when I became King. 

Honestly, I was terrified of it. 

I had too many people counting on me. The idea of failure sat at the back of my mind; I couldn’t let these people down.

I grasped for a small bottle of pills from the cabinet and took one. Upon taking the supplement, I followed it up with a glass of water to cool off. The throbbing in my skull beat harder for a moment before I looked back at myself in the mirror. Blue eyes stared back at me once again. I winced as the ache in my body continued. But with the headache gone at least I could manage to get through the day. 

Unfortunately, my heritage was both a blessing and a curse and one of my closest guarded secrets. I wasn’t a full-blooded vampire like many tended to believe. This proved to bring me many difficulties in everyday life. It felt like I lived two lives because of it. The side where I could be open and live normally with everyone else, and the side where I did my best to hide for fear of someone exploiting my defects. I feared that there could ever be a day where someone could snatch Darsineka right from my fingers and I would be helpless to do anything about it. My grandfather had done everything he could to make me feel prepared, but I was my own worst enemy.

Normal vampires only needed blood to survive, choosing to eat only as a social necessity. But I learned the hard way what too much or too little blood did to me. There was a healthy middle ground that after years of perfecting, I managed to stay within. Too much blood and I started losing my grip on reality. Too much food and I was too weak to stand. There wasn’t room for mistakes anymore. The pills helped. Not with the hunger, but with clarity. With the part of me that didn’t belong to either side.

I tried not to feel angry about any of it. Grandfather just tried to explain to me that my lineage was complicated, and that one day I would feel comforted by the fact I wasn’t pulled to any one side. He told me I was free to live a life he couldn’t. He needed Darsineka and the moon’s energy to feel alive. There were definitely days I could feel exactly what he meant, and then there were days that the feeling of the sun brought me just as much comfort.

Promptly leaving my room, I made my way to the kitchen. I figured after getting something into my system this ache would go away. When I walked in, I stopped in my tracks. My grandfather was there, sitting at the center table. A cup cradled in his hands. “I’m so glad you’re finally awake.” 

His hands trembled as he pushed the cup towards me, his tired eyes looking up at me as I came to stand next to him. We tried to share a drink every morning, but I hadn’t counted on him waiting this long for me. Staring at the cracked mug he had his hand curled around, like it was the only thing grounding him. He needed this as much as I did.

I tried to play it off, not wanting to bring too much attention to it. “Sorry, I think I drank a little too much with everyone last night. I slept like a rock. I didn’t expect you to wait for me. Isn’t it late afternoon?” I took a sip from the cup. The dry feeling in my mouth was finally becoming satisfied. I closed my eyes in bliss.

My Grandfather shook his head. “It’s okay to have fun, especially while you’re young, but you need to start learning some responsibility. One day I won’t be here to help you. And I’m worried about you. You never grew out of your reckless phase.”

I sat my cup down. Leaning against the table. “Don’t waste your time worrying about me. I’m fine. I step up when I need to, I just-” I couldn’t say it out loud to him, so I paused. Cursing my inability to confess the absolute dread I felt when it came to the responsibility of the throne. I was the only family my grandfather had left, and thus the only one who could take over the throne when he eventually passed. 

I worried about the day he left me behind with this legacy. It never felt like it was mine. I didn’t want to waste all his hard work; he deserved someone who could fit the crown after he left.

“What is it, Clay? You can talk to me about anything.” He reached over and touched my arm. I placed a hand over his. I could feel how quickly he had aged in these last couple years. His skin was thin and fragile.

I wanted so desperately to say it. That I wasn’t ready, and it scared me shitless. But the words stuck in my throat, I would not become a burden for him. I would not make him worry about me at this crucial time. Not when I could see how he had aged, that I didn’t have forever with him. He had enough to worry about.

A deep breath through my nose and I looked at him with a tight smile. “I will do my duty when the time comes. Don’t worry about me. I’m just having my fun while I can. That’s really all this is.” 

“You’re not a child anymore Clay, so please be careful with yourself.” His eyes drifted across the room for a moment before taking a deep breath, “I know being a hybrid you have struggles beyond my understanding, but I worry about your well-being. I don’t want you to hurt yourself, you are my precious grandson.”

I leaned down to wrap my arm around his shoulder and rested my head against his. “I’m sorry that I worry you. I’ll be better. I just have my quirks. You know this better than anyone.”

Grandfather laughed. “That I do Clay. Just don’t let that get you into trouble, alright? I don’t know how much more this heart of mine can take with you. You are too much like your father. He was quite the spitfire.”

He didn’t talk much about our family. The loss still cut him deeply all these years later. But these were little moments I cherished when he would tell me anything about the people I never got to know. “I’ve heard the apple never falls far from the tree.” I gripped my mug and took another sip. “I’ve heard the stories on how you were in your youth. Maybe he and I got it from you.”

Grandfather laughed again. “Don’t blame this on me boy. You got here all on your own.”

“I’m not playing the blame game; I am just pointing out that you and I are more alike than you think.”

“You are a cheeky one today.” We shared a laugh as we finished our drinks.

For today I would let this moment settle around me like a warm blanket. The sound of his laughter and the crinkle of his eyes burned into my memory. I would never be ready to say goodbye to him. Time had crept up on me. 

I caught sight of him and I reflected in the window, and for a moment, I could imagine him as he was in my youth. Watching him grow old and beyond my reach was harder than living with the ghosts we barely spoke about. They were missed, the hole there. But grandfather? He had raised me to be a man. The ache his death would leave a hole bigger than I think I would know how to fill on my own.