Six Years Ago

“Do you ever feel different?” I asked him one afternoon. 

We were down by the river as we so often were, but the sound of the rushing water did nothing to calm me as it usually did. If anything I felt more nervous with the background noise, stomach churning as I tried to find the words for whatever inside of me felt the peculiar way it did that I didn’t quite understand. 

“Sometimes, yeah, why?” He turned to me, actually looking up from where he had been staring down at the water for most of today’s hangout. Usually when we hung out he’d go wander around in the river and try to dig for pretty rocks, but this time he was actually up sitting next to me on the tunnel. 

I quickly shrugged, face suddenly growing hot. “Oh, I was just…just wondering.” I muttered. 

But I wasn’t just wondering. I’d been thinking about this a lot recently. It just felt so embarrassing to bring it up with him for some reason.

“….alright.” He shrugged it off, turning back to the water.

“You like being a boy, right?” I then said, and he looked back over at me.

He didn’t answer at first, looking a little confused and then taking a moment to think. “I mean…yeah, I’m pretty sure.” He said, meeting my gaze for a second before I looked away. “Why?”

“I….I don’t know.” I sighed, deflating a bit.

It was true. I didn’t know. 

Why had I been feeling this way?

I was a girl. I mean, I had to be. What else could I be? I was born as a girl, so I was a girl.

I had been proud to be a girl my whole life. I liked girly things, I liked…

But…if I was a girl then why did being a girl feel so wrong sometimes?

Why, when I was lumped into a group of other girls or called a girl or put on the girls side of a girls vs boys game, did I suddenly feel off?

Why, when I was around other girls did I feel so far away while being right there?

Heck, I related more to Sebastian than I did any of the other girls in my class. The whole school, even!

Maybe I was just a tomboy?

“I’m a girl, right?” I said to him suddenly, and he looked at me confused again.

He opened his mouth to reply but then stopped, looking suddenly nervous, as if this was a trick question and if he answered wrong I’d get upset.

“I….uh….” He stammered, seemingly trying to quickly figure out the right answer.

“Yeah. Yeah. I think I am.” I then muttered, turning away again. I could see him out of the corner of my eye sighing in relief at not having to answer my unusual query before turning back to the water, every so often casting me a brief glance.

I was a girl. I had to be. There was nothing else I could be. I mean, I knew you could be transgender, so I knew that it was possible to be something else but…I wasn’t trans. I was just broken.

I was a girl, I was just doing it wrong.

Slowly, I tilted my head back and looked up at the sky.

I wondered when other girls figured it out. When did they finally start feeling like they were being a girl right?

Maybe when they were twelve, or even thirteen. The girls at the high school looked like they had it all figured out, so I had to know by 14, surely.

I would’ve asked my mother, but lately whenever I tried to talk to her she just looked…annoyed. 

I hated the way she looked at me when I smiled at her. I hated the way she looked at me when I frowned at her. I hated the way she looked at me when I looked at her. (Maybe I just shouldn’t look at her.) 

So I was sure I’d get no answers if I even bothered to ask.

I didn’t have any other friends besides Sebastian, so I had no one else I could ask either. No girl friends, and barely any classmates who’d give me the time of day.

I mean, I could try to ask a classmate anyway I guess, but I’d probably just get laughed at again, so maybe not. 

So I guess I’d just…have to figure out in time, on my own…

Being a girl sure is strange.

“You’ll still like me even if I’m not a girl like the other girls at school, right?” I then asked, and he didn’t hesitate before nodding.

“Of course I would.” He smiled.

I smiled back, reaching out to brush a leaf out of his hair. 

“…thanks. I’m glad.” I murmured.

Then Sebastian took my hand, and I turned to him, confused. He met my eyes and held my gaze, looking suddenly intensely focused.

“El, no matter what happens, I’ll be your friend. Okay?” He proclaimed, sounding so determined I couldn’t help but believe him wholeheartedly.

My heart soared when he said it. “Thanks, Seb. That means a lot to me.” I murmured, my heart fluttering and leaving me unable to properly speak up.

“Of course! I mean, I meant it, so.” He shrugged, looking away from me. 

Though, I couldn’t help but notice him rubbing his thumb over the friendship bracelet he still wore the moment he let go of my hand.

I reached out to tug at my own.

Yeah. Friends no matter what.

It didn’t matter if I was being a girl wrong, he didn’t care what kind of girl I was.

And I felt okay with that.

I didn’t bring up the topic again that day.

The strange feeling of wrongness didn’t go away though, I guess I must’ve just put it away for later.

I hoped it would never come back. I hoped his reassurance would settle the strange ache in my heart and I’d never have to feel it again. I hoped that I could close my eyes and push it away, pretend it didn’t matter and nothing would ever change.

I didn’t want anything to change.

But I wasn’t entirely a fool, so I knew the feeling would return soon enough.

After all, it always did.

-

“Soon Enough”

Friday. Back to school.

I didn’t want to go, but I figured missing any more class would just make everything worse when I had to go back. I’d rather have only three days of work to make up than have to scramble and finish a weeks worth all because I didn’t feel like going today.

Besides, I’m sure it would be over before I knew it, and on the bright side, it’s Friday.

One day, and then the weekend.

All I had to do was get through this one day. And Fridays were the easiest days to get through!

How hard could- no, I’m actually not gonna say that. I’d rather not jinx it.

My Uncle offered to drive me to school that morning, and this time I accepted his offer. 

Usually I denied it, just because I didn’t want him to go out of his way to drop me off when it wasn’t that far to walk.

Sometimes I chose to walk to school just so on those mornings I could pretend for a moment that I was like everyone else, like some kind of normal person RP.

I could walk to school and if I wasn’t already in pain, those brief moments before things got bad again I could imagine that I was like everybody else. I was just like everybody else. I had a life to live after all this. Nothing ever ends!

Even if I stumbled, even if my legs gave out and I had to catch myself, even if I found myself in first period on the verge of tears from the pain or on the verge of falling out of my seat because of how dizzy I was- 

It was worth it to imagine that I had a life to live after all this. 

But that’s all it was. Imagining. 

When we stepped outside, I paused beside the door to take a deep breath, sipping the cold air into my lungs like I’d never breathed before.

A soft smile slipped onto my lips.

It was almost October now, it was getting colder. I cherished the chill.

When we pulled up to the school, I had already grabbed the door handle when Rory turned to me.

“Don’t push yourself too hard today, okay bud?” I didn’t turn back to meet his gaze, and I didn’t reply. “If you start to feel sick, or off or…anything, call me and I’ll come pick you up, okay? Just…take it easy. Be gentle with yourself. Love you, have fun.” I could hear the smile in his voice as he spoke, as he reached out to lightly ruffle my hair.

I just opened the door and hopped out. “Mhm. I will.” I muttered. I didn’t mean it. Would I have fun today? Probably not. Would I take it easy today? Did I ever? Would I call him to pick me up if I felt sick, like I always did? Hell no. "Love you too.” I said before closing the door. That, I did mean.

My Uncle meant well. But he didn’t get it. Hell, I didn’t even get it sometimes. Sometimes I wanted to let myself take it easy, sometimes I was gentle with myself and took a moment to acknowledge things were just harder for me now.

But the very act of that made me upset. Because it was yet another reminder of what had happened to me. Another reminder of how I was falling behind everyone else, and how I was so…different from everyone around me.

I didn’t want to be different. 

But there was always something about me that made me that way.

When I arrived at my first class, I sank down into my seat and tilted my head back to gaze at the ceiling.

My own feelings confused me. 

My illness made it hard for me to do most of even basic tasks. 

It’s not hard to sit in a classroom and listen to what someone has to say, or at least, to others it isn’t.

But to me…the chair was uncomfortable to sit in, my left leg had gone numb and my neck had begun to ache. My head hurt from the bright lights, and my eyes hurt even being open to see them. But whenever I closed my eyes I felt a sudden wave of exhaustion crash over me and I had to fight with myself to stay awake. When I opened my eyes again I was too dizzy to keep them open, and the cycle continued. My back began to ache, so I changed the way I was sitting. Then my right leg went numb, so I shifted again. My stomach now hurt. It was only twenty minutes in.

My illness made these simple things hard for me and it really infuriated me.

In many different ways.

I longed for the time when this came easy to me. I loathed living in a world that forced me into an uncomfortable box just because it refused to change for me. I was angry at myself for not being able to do this, for not putting in all my effort and trying as hard as I could to do what everyone else was doing. And yet I felt sad, because I knew that for what all these other students took nothing to do would take so much of my energy. If I wasted it all here and now, would I even be able to make it to the end of the day? What about after school? Would I be able to do anything then, or would I simply collapse when I got home?

Anger, sadness, confusion, grief- all feelings of mine on the same situation that came together just to make me feel all torn up inside.

I didn’t want to have to push myself to do what everyone else could.

But I had to, and so I would.

I knew who I was doing this for. I knew why I was doing this.

Not just for my Uncle, to repay him for all he’s done. 

But…for me.

So I actually get to have a future like everybody else.