This time I wasn’t the first one in the library.

I should’ve been, but instead I hid just outside and waited for him.

I wasn’t sure why I was suddenly gaining these weird stalker-ish tendencies, but I just had to know!

Sebastian Hayes was an enigma. Always had been it seems like, but now more than ever. I couldn’t exactly stroll up to him, slam my hand on the table and say: ‘hey, can you tell me in immense detail how you feel about me and where our relationship is at right now? I need to gauge how distant I have to be.’

I mean, technically I very much could do that, but I would rather die than do something so ridiculous.

I had to figure him out a different way. And that way was…equally ridiculous but didn’t involve me embarrassing myself in public. All I had to do was embarrass myself in private. Completely different thing!

My hood was up to cover my hair and most of my face, and my headphones were in so I looked like I was just really engrossed in something on my phone. But I wasn’t looking at the screen in front of me, in fact I had my phone open to my home screen. I was staring down the door to the library just across the way like it owed me money and waiting for a familiar brown-haired boy to walk in.

Solely because I wanted to see how he would react when he didn’t see me right away.

If this were just a professional tutor-uh…tutoree relationship then surely it wouldn’t matter much to him, right? He’d sit down and open a notebook and not care. Or assume I was a no show, shrug it off and leave! 

But if he saw me as a friend, he’d be disappointed, wouldn’t he? I’d be able to see it on his face! I could tell, right?

…..this is ridiculous. I’m being ridiculous.

I should just go in and-

Nevermind, there he is!

I tensed up as I watched him walk up to the library door, tugging his earbuds out and stuffing them and his phone into his pocket with a sweet smile on his lips. Then he pushed the door open and walked in.

I waited maybe three seconds before dashing up to the door, peering through the window on it to see what was going on inside.

He looked around the library, and saw nothing. I watched as he wandered between the bookshelves for a moment, but my plan wasn’t even working because I couldn’t tell what he was feeling, he was too far away for me to even read his expressions. 

I did however see him pause in front of one of the shelves and grab a book with a bright red cover, clutching it close to his chest and glancing around as if he would get in trouble for having it. Then he dashed over to the librarians desk, placing it down quickly and slipping his wallet out from his back pocket.

What was he doing now? None of my ridiculous imagined reactions of his matched this weirdness. Now what?

I stayed there watching for a moment longer, but another student walked up behind me and opened the other door, throwing me a weird look as they entered, so I quickly walked in as well, slowly strolling up to the librarians desk.

Sebastian didn’t see me as I walked up so I managed to catch a glimpse of what the book he was acting all weird over was.

Huh.

It was the same romance novel I’d accidentally grabbed the other day, swirly cursive letters and all. Was he just embarrassed he had terrible taste in books? Couldn’t blame him. I’d also hide it if I actually wanted to read something like that. But to each their own.

Oh well. No more hiding.

“Hey, Sebastian.” I said aloud. He jumped, quickly turning around to face me, coincidentally blocking my view of the book with his body.

“Oh! H-ey Jet. Nice to…see you here. You…scared me.” He stammered, and I was so…so glad I had a good poker face because this was just…so funny? 

He looked like he was caught with his hand in the cookie jar when all I had done was see him check out a book at the library. 

He was so c-funny when he was embarrassed. Funny. Yeah. Totally what I was gonna think, good job me, ha…ha…anyway-

“Yeah. Sorry I was late, I had to ask my teacher something.” I lied, looking up at him and then slightly leaning to the side to try and see what book he was checking out despite the fact I’d already seen it. “Whatcha gettin?” I grinned, teasingly.

“Just something for class. Don’t worry about it. Uh, why don’t you grab us a table?” He said quickly, and though he had managed to pull himself together from the initial surprise of me appearing behind him out of the blue enough to speak clearly, he still looked a little embarrassed. 

And I opened my mouth to say no, to push back and continue to tease him a little more just because I liked to watch him squirm, but then I took a very literal step back when I flashed back to reality and remembered that, oh yeah, we are NOT friends. He didn’t know who I really was. We weren’t friends of nine years making jokes and teasing one another, we weren’t even friends of five teasing one another. 

We weren’t friends at all.

What was I doing?

“Yeah, alright.” I muttered numbly, turning and stumbling over to a nearby table before collapsing into it like every ounce of life had been sucked out of me with a silly straw. 

Sebastian and I weren’t friends. For someone who was still so hung up on what had happened four years ago I seemed to be forgetting that an awful lot! 

For years he was my only confidante, my better half, the person I would run to after anything happened. The person I trusted with my heart and soul. He nearly was my heart and soul, or at least a part of it. I didn’t feel like me without him back then. That was why what happened broke me the way it did.

But he was also the same person who took said heart of mine and spat on it. And then stomped on it. And then threw it in the dumpster behind the gas station and lit the whole thing on fire. And then threw that dumpster into another, larger dumpster and- well, you get the idea.

We were friends.

But we weren’t now, and it wasn’t my fault.

I had tried to be friends with him after what happened, he was the one who turned the other way!

He was the one who abandoned me…

I glanced back up at him and watched him slip the book into his backpack before walking over to the table, and I did all I could to pull myself together so I’d look less like I’d been hit by the emotional version of seven cars in a row that then all threw it in reverse to finish the job.

“You okay?” He said as he sat down. So clearly I hadn’t done a good job.

“Yeah, sorry, just…remembered I forgot to do something yesterday.” I muttered, smiling softly. My soul felt rotten. I was gonna be sick. No, it was fine. No, actually it wasn’t, I was gonna die. Somebody sedate me.

He nodded. “Ah. I hate when that happens.”

You know what I hate? When I move back to the place I was born and promise myself I would avoid everyone here and then somehow end up getting attached to someone who betrayed me. 

I hate when I forget my own pain just so I can smile for a few seconds.

Okay, let’s say…let’s say I do give in, and do become friends with Sebastian again. 

Then what? I have a few months of enjoying being friends with him, feeling so much more than he knows simply because 13-year-old me is attempting to live vicariously through me now, and then I leave again and I feel broken a second time? 

Earlier I had worried about what would happen if he found out and freaked out, or what would happen if anyone else found out. And sure, those would be bad.

But it was really the last worry that I couldn’t stop thinking about.

The worry that…what if it happened again?

He finds out and…he says nothing? 

He goes silent on me, and when my world falls apart I once again find myself alone because my only friend in this horrible fucking town pretends I don’t exist?

I missed him. I missed him so much.

But I missed him when he was kind to me. When we were best friends and when we spent every moment together.

I missed when he cared.

I thought I meant something to him.

The night before it all fell apart, when we hung out together and when we…

I…I thought I meant something to him.

I thought I was enough of a person in his eyes for him to want to stand up for me.

For him to even look at me.

But no.

I wasn’t enough, not for him, not for anyone.

Five years of friendship sent tumbling down the drain simply because I made the mistake of being the person I was.

And I thought he would understand. 

He seemed to at first but…he never…

Ugh.

Even worse was that this sudden reminder of all that had happened was making me upset, and he was noticing.

“Is something wrong?” He said for maybe the third time in twenty minutes.

“Yes, Sebastian, I’m alright. I just have a little headache.” I replied, trying my absolute hardest to not sound annoyed at all even though I was definitely getting there.

“We can cut it short if you’re not feeling well.” He offered, but I shook my head.

“Nah, it’s okay. I need to get caught up.”

I wished I could ask him. I wished I could turn to him right now and ask why he did what he did.

But I was a stranger to him. Ellis Thomas had no reason to know about what happened between Sebastian Hayes and his childhood best friend.

I’d never be able to get real answers about what happened, but it was for the best.

I didn’t need to know. After this year I’d never see him again and I’d go back to having this town and everyone in it in the past. One day I’d even look back at all this and laugh I bet! Because I’d be so moved on I wouldn’t even feel bad about it anymore! 

Slowly I took some deep breaths, massaging my temples.

I was mad at Sebastian for what happened, but…I couldn’t hold it against him. Well, I mean, I could and I did, I just shouldn’t. It had been four years. He didn’t know who I was. Maybe, if he did know and I’d showed back up he would’ve fallen to his knees in front of me and apologized for it. Maybe he would’ve told me everything and explained why he did what he did and I would’ve forgiven him and-

I really just couldn’t know.

It all came down to this.

Sebastian and I couldn’t be friends.

But I could be civil with him.

He was my classmate, my tutor, also apparently my neighbor again. 

And he was…he was still kind. He still cared.

Not enough to fix this- but….he did.

I wouldn’t get any answers. Probably ever.

That was one of those things I would just have to accept.

And as the session spun to a close and I stuffed my notebook back into my bag, I could sense him staring at me.

I pretended not to notice.

“Thanks for this, Sebastian. I really appreciate it. At least now I’ll understand what I’m doing when I’m doing my makeup work this weekend.” I sighed, putting in a little extra effort for him to see that no I was fine I’m so chill don’t even worry about it dude.

"Of course, it’s no problem. Oh, and if you need any help with that, you can just text me you know. Anytime.” He said with a smile, and I glanced at him.

“Thanks, I will.” I smiled back. I wouldn’t. 

He explained everything well enough that I couldn’t imagine I’d have much of an issue, but if I did have a problem I’d ask Rory. 

If I kept seeking him out for help, or even just for companionship, or just because I enjoyed seeing him…it would only hurt more in the long run.

Why torture myself again?

I knew why. Because sometimes when I looked at him, I felt safe. I felt at home. 

I felt happy.

I didn’t want to. But I knew exactly why I sought him out.

Because I felt the same way around him as I did when we were kids. Now it was just tainted with the sharp sting of betrayal.

It didn’t make it taste any less sweet, only a bit more painful, a bit more bitter.

And then once again I found us walking home together. 

“It’s gonna be Halloween soon.” He breathed as we walked, staring up at the sky with a smile. “I love fall.” He whispered.

“Yeah.” I said simply, keeping my gaze fixed firmly on the ground.

“What are you dressing up as?” He asked, and I shrugged.

“Dunno. I wasn’t really gonna dress up this year-“ I began to say, but he gasped.

“You’re not gonna dress up? But it’s Halloween!” He exclaimed, eyes wide like he couldn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t dress up for Halloween.

I looked over at him. “Halloween isn’t as big of a deal for me as it is to you.” I said simply. Sebastian had always loved Halloween. And fall in general. It was his favorite season, and even as kids he tended to prepare for Halloween early into the summer. Frankly, I was surprised it took this long for him to mention it. Maybe that was evidence we were just acquaintances. He didn’t bring it up so surely…

“It should be. It’s a good holiday.” He muttered, turning away. He looked a little upset, as if my not wanting to dress up was a personal offense.

I just sighed. “I mean, if it means that much to you, I have a white sheet I can wear. Old school ghost.” He glanced over at me and I continued. “What are you dressing up as?”

And he shrugged. “Not sure yet.”

I tried not to scoff, trying not to smile. “How can you be mad at me for not dressing up when you don’t even know what you’re going as?”

“Not knowing what you’re dressing up as and not dressing up are very different things, thank you very much.” He scoffed, though he seemed to be faking offense.

“Yeah, yeah. Semantics.”

“It is absolutely not semantics.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. I was exhausted from the rollercoaster of emotions I’d taken myself on today, especially the ones regarding him and the friendship I didn’t want us to have, but…I…ugh, I liked this. I mean, I hated that I liked it but like, I still did. 

Y’know, from my ridiculous plot earlier I hadn’t discerned much as to whether he saw me as a friend or an acquaintance to be friendly with. But I think I just didn’t want to admit the truth I already knew. 

Who acts like this with an acquaintance?

I just shouldn’t think about it. How he feels about me is…his business. And I didn’t want him to like me anyway! Totally not…

We continued to walk until we reached the crossroads and he waved goodbye again.

“See you Monday.” He smiled, walking off.

“See you.” I said, returning his smile though I still felt all twisted up inside.

I watched as he walked off towards the sunset, bathed in golden light.

I could taste on my tongue the bitter flavor of a word left unsaid.

….later.

See you….later.